Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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A Really Good Mail Day

Yesterday at work I received a package in the mail. A package that was made of awesome. I can’t actually tell you what was in said package, but rest assured it was supercalifragilisticexpialawesome. You’ll find out in due course and then you will go, “Fucksocks, that’s awesome!” Mark my words.

Then I arrived home from work yesterday to find this:

IMG_1925

And since Sarah had told me that she’d had something shipped to me, the sight of this package was very much squee-inducing! What, what, oh what could it be?? I am pleased to let you know, that this package did not disappoint. Because said package contained these guys:

IMGP2543

The cute little yellow guy on the left? That’s herpes virus. And the grey guy on the right? He’s gonorrhea.

You know you are jealous that your friends have never given you such wonderful gifts!

Now, I also have to give a shout out to the store where Sarah bought these guys. It’s a store called Mortimer Snodgrass. Located in Montreal, you can also buy their cool stuff online. Though looking at their website makes me want to go to Montreal to check out their actual store1!

  1. I mean more than my usual “I want to go to Montreal.” Because Montreal rocks []

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More NaBloPoMo’ers

People who I follow that are NaBloPoMo’ing it all up in da house:

If I’ve forgotten everyone, leave a comment and I’ll add you to the list.

  1. though she blogs every single day even when it’s not NaBloPoMo []

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Vegetarian Marshmallows!!!!!

Beth can’t come to the blog right now because she’s in a sugar coma, having discovered a store in Surrey that sells vegetarian marshmallows. Let me repeat that: Beth found a store that sells freaking vegetarian freaking marsh- freaking -mallows!!

Day 115

For the uninitiated, you may want to read the blog posted entitled “The Tale of the “Vegetarian” Marshmallow” for the 411 on why the finding of vegetarian marshmallows is so important!

Anyway, Beth found said marshmallows at The Organic Grocer, a little store that is located about 30 seconds from her office. To which she has been many times and never ever ever ever noticed that they sold pure heaven in vegetarian marshmallow form. She was actually there on a hunt for vanilla beans, since Surrey, in addition to hating peanuts, hates bulk food stores. Seriously, a city of nearly half a million people, and no bulk food stores? What gives, Surrey? Anyway, she went to the Organic Grocer to find her some vanilla beans and much to her delight, she found the vanilla beans AND the veggie marshmallows!

And to add the cherry on top, Beth also got an email notifying her that she could have an ING Thrive chequing account! Which made it funny when her landlord dropped off her mail and the PC Financial cheques she’d ordered in August finally arrived – just in time for her to not want them anymore, because she’s going to go with the ING Chequing account instead!

Also, she started the first day of her 30 days of hot yoga from her Groupon. All in all, it was double rainbows all the way today. All the way.

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This Time The B0rkening Was My Own Fault

As you probably didn’t notice, my blog has been down for a few days.  In response, I received the following email from Dr. Dan:

Dr. Beth!  Where did NTBTWK go?  I keep getting 404’d.  404’d!!!!  ZOUNDS!

Because I’m too lazy to re-type the story I work smarter, not harder, I’m pasting my reply1 to Dr. Dan here to inform you of how the b0rkening happened:

Sorry!  It have b0rked my blog!  I was trying to switch it over its new URL http://[redacted until such time as I’m ready to launch] as I’m planning to use drbethsnow.com for my more professional stuff… or at least to not have potential consulting clients see that my email is beth AT drbethsnow DOT com and go “I should check out her website” and then end up on my blog reading about how I got mistaken for a prostitute in Langley.  I don’t think that would be good for business. Well, it might be good for business, but not the kind of business I’m actually trying to get!  I have my blog on a shared server with Kalev and, unfortunately, I thought I knew what I needed to do to to switch my blogs around when clearly, I did not, and Kalev has a paper due today (which, for some reason, he thinks is more important than my blog… silly students), so can’t do anything on it until tomorrow, but I’m impatient so then I tried to switch both URLs to Tod’s server, but it turns out that the backup I’d made of the blog before I started fucking around with it was too big for WordPress to want to import (even though it exported from WordPress just fine), so I could only get up to Jan 2009 onto Tod’s server (with a bunch of posts missing).  And then Tod and I got sick of nothing working last night when we were trying to make it work and decided to watch TV instead.  

All of this, of course, would make an excellent blog post, but I can’t seem to log into the half-imported, mutant blog on Tod’s server, so I can’t even blog it.  Le sigh.

So, long story short (after telling the long story), it should be fixed tomorrow.

That email chain went on for a while and covered such topics as why you should remember that your microphone is on when your friend bends you over in front of the class you are teaching, surprises orgies as a good way to meet people when you are new in town, and blog resurrections (and the accompanying obligatory references to Jesus). So, I hope you enjoy my newly resurrected blog. Which is kind of like the Jesus of blogs2.

  1. with the benefit of a extra link and a bit of redaction []
  2. do you think the Pope will forgive me for saying that in 40 years? []

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Who Does She Look Like?

Last season, Tod got me hooked on Big Brother. I went from all look-down-my-nose, “Oh no, I’m not going to watch this “reality” television nonsense!” to “I NEED TO KNOW WHO IS GOING TO WIN POV1 THIS WEEK!” after about two episodes minutes.  For the record, I was pretty happy with Dan winning last year – although I kinda hated him, I thought he was a brilliant player.  He won every competition except the ones he decided to throw; he was a master manipulator. Sort of the beloved/despised thing.

This season is currently on week three and one thing has been bugging the hell out of me.  Michelle the neuroscientist looks really, really familiar to me:

http://images.hitfix.com/photos/142878/bb11_michelle_gallery_primary.jpg

And I can’t figure out why. While watching Tuesday’s episode I thought it might be that she looks like Michelle Stafford, the actress who plays Phyllis on the Young & the Restless2, but I just looked up a photo of her3 and the resemblance isn’t that great – basically they just both have red hair and slightly similar noses.

So who the hell does she look like? Does she look like someone famous? Or does she look like someone I know?  She does have a PhD in neuroscience, so it’s not impossible that I’ve met her at a conference, but I don’t think that’s it.  If anyone can tell me who it is that she looks like, I will give you 1,000,000 points!

1Power of Veto, for those of you who aren’t in the know.
2My other guilty pleasure – the following of Y&R!
3Being television-less, I don’t actually watch Y&R, but rather read a spoiler site to keep up with what’s going on the show. On the rare occasion that I actually see it on TV, I usually don’t know who any of the actors actually are!

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Letters

Dear Gmail,

Anything sent by EWjsfnoi@unLKANSWFLK.com is spam. Same goes for gYhlaSdfn@BhcbhjKLjeFN.com. Also, hgoijfvn@ncakld.com. Spam.  Trust me. Spam.

Love,

Me


Dear Guy Driving The Truck Behind,

See all that glass around you? That’s called “windows.” We can see through that. We do not want to see you pick your nose, look at your finger, then flick it out the window. Also, you are driving a work truck. With the name of your company on it in GIANT LETTERS. I am so never getting my gutters cleaned by your business. Should I ever have gutters.

Sincerely,

Me


Dear Random Phone Number That Texted Me The Lone Word “Hottie,”

Um, thanks?  Or you have the wrong number.

Kind regards,

Me


Dear Heat Rash,

I thought I left you in Ontario. I’m just not that into you.

Unkind regards,

Me


Dear WordPress,

Why won’t you render my


?  Is it my theme or is it you? Just, why?

Also, please stop stripping my non-breaking spaces from my HTML.        FORVER!!!!

Kisses,

Me


Dear Me At About 21 Hours Into Blogathon,

You forgot a question mark. And some letters.

You’re welcome,

Me Today

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#49 – The End!

Hey, remember that time, 48 blog posts ago, when I thought it would be a good idea to blog for 24 hours straight?  That was good times.

Here’s me a fewof hours ago at Workspace, blogging about the important issues of the day:

IMGP0050 by you.

Props to all the bloggers who wrote all day and all night to raise money and awareness for a wide variety of great causes.

Props to all the people who supported us – through guest postings and the bringing of foodstuffs and company and music and commenting!  Me loves the commenting!

And props, of course, to everyone who donated today. It’s why we all did this.

And now I go to sleep!

THE END!

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#42 – Stuff People Google

So that last post reminded me of blog stats, the wonderful world where you can find what words and phrases people have Googled to end up on your blog.  Here’s a list of some, uh, interesting things people have Googled lately to land here:

  • the leave in the canadian flag [that’s some awesome spelling. you know, the singular of “leaves” being “leave”]
  • and then my head exploded [seriously, someone actually Googled that phrase!]
  • how to find someone to have an affair with [classy, people, really classy]
  • “doctorate” “unemployed” [nuff said.  Also, I like how they put the individual words inside quotation marks. ‘cuz that makes sense]
  • sluts in b.c. hydro [wha??]
  • caffeine makes groin hurt [also, wha??]
  • bananagasm [seriously, that is a made up word. Why is someone googling it?]
  • my job is sucking the life out of me [did you really expect the Internet to help you with this? Just by Googling?]
  • joffrey lupul pregnant [oh yeah, he totally is]

And, my personal fav, “[a person’s name] herpes.”  I’m not going to tell you whose name it is (and it’s not mine)… but all I can say is did you really expect to get an answer to that on the internets?

Also, while checking out my blog stats, I noticed my graph showing, very clearly, today’s activity:

blogathon graph spike by you.

Thanks for reading, everyone!  It does make it easier to keep at it knowing you are out there!

blog468x60 by you.Don’t forget to donate!

Read about the charity that I’m supporting, Options for Sexual Health!

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My Plan

So this whole getting up at 6 a.m. to start work in Surrey by 8 a.m. thing sucks.  Now, I happen to *love* working 8-4 compared to the 9-5 that I worked at my old job – I’m home before 5 and I feel like I have *so much more time* in the evening.  But the getting up at 6 a.m. – boo-urns!  I keep telling myself that I will go to bed at 10:30 p.m., giving me a respectable 7.5 hrs of sleep.  And then I keep failing.  I usually end up going to bed around 11:30.  Or midnight.  Or… later. And then I’m sleepy as all hell the next day.

My problem appears to be that although I tell myself “I’ll go to bed at 10:30p.m,” what actually happens is that 10:30 p.m. rolls around and then I go “oh man, I should go to bed.  Right after I finish reading this blog posting/writing this blog posting/sending these emails.” And then it’s 10:45 p.m. Or 11:25.  And then I get sucked into the brush-teeth/wash-face/put-on-PJs/prepare-tomorrow’s-lunch/set-up-coffee-maker-for-the-morning/holy-crap-I-forgot-to-do-my-pushups-&-situps-I-better-do-them-now vortex and suddenly it’s 11:57 p.m.  And then I just check to see if I’ve received any emails in that time, because FSM forbid I might not see that email ’til morning.

So I now have a new plan!  And the plan is mine and this is my plan.  It’s a good plan and I created it and it’s mine and it’s a plan1. My plan is this: when 9:30 rolls around, I drop whatever I’m doing and get ready for bed.  Once I’m all ready, in whatever time I have left over before 10:30 p.m., I can geek out all I like. But that’s it.  Lights out at 10:30 p.m.!  Tonight is my first attempt at this – as I type this, my face and teeth are squeaky clean, my lunch is packed, my coffee maker is ready for the morn and my body is pajamaed.

I predict I’ll last two days.

1100 points to the first person to correctly identify where that’s from!

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Allow Me A Moment of Geekery

So Blog Grader is a website that, as the name suggests, grades your blog. And I scored a 51%. 

What does this mean? I have no idea, because I can’t find *anything* on their website that tells me what the score actually means1.  What I did find quite interesting was that: (a) there are 3,651 inbound links to my blog (which seems like a fair bit to me, as that’s more than 3 links per posting) and (b) my blog is written at a grade 12 level.  Serioulsy, grade 12??  I didn’t realize that vocabulary such as “hotties” and “big ole” and “mofo” was held in such high esteem.

In related geek news, Wired magazine published a list of “100 Essential Skills for Geeks.”  I posses a pathetic 14 of the 100 skills.  If only I’d documented my plan for what to do in the event of a zombie uprising, I’d have had 15.

1Perhaps if I knew where to look, I’d get a better grade. Assuming that 51% is a bad grade.