Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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Question: Guy, Pie, Bride or Ride?

I’m trying to get my marking completed tonight, so this will be brief. Does anyone know what the hell Rihanna is saying in the first line of “Only Girl”? When I first heard it, I thought she was saying:

“I want you to love me, like I’m a hot guy

But I’m reasonably sure that’s not what she’s saying.

It also sort of sounds like she’s saying:

“I want you to love me, like I’m a hot pie

and that’s what most lyrics websites1 have, but, seriously, that makes it sound like she singing to Homer Simpson.

This was being discussed on the radio this afternoon and one DJ suggested she’s actually saying:

“I want you to love me, like I’m a hot bride

or

“I want you to love me, like I’m a hot ride

Does anyone know, definitively, what the actual line is?

  1. of the brief and non-representative sample that I looked at []

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It’s a Proud, Proud Day

Not sure what I did to cause this group to follow me:

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Pet Taxi?

IMG_0547

I hate to break it to you lady, but you have just paid an exorbitant price to put your cat in a duffel bag.

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Does This Wool Sweater Make Me Look Like a Prostitute?

So I was in Langley for a meeting today and since I was there a bit early, I decided to walk down the street to the 7/11 for a diet Pepsi. As I’m walking down the street, there’s a guy trying to get into a pawn shop, but it appears to be closed. As he turns to leave, he sees me, smiles creepily, and says, “Are you looking for some company?”  I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies to know what he’s getting at.  My reaction: laughter, followed by “Uh, no.” And then more laughter.  And then I tweeted it.

‘cuz seriously, do I really look like a prostitute?

IMGP0672

I mean, I know my boots are hot and all, but I’m wearing a totally respectable work dress1 and a freaking wool sweater!  Do Langley prostitutes typically wear wool sweaters and walk down major streets at 2 in the afternoon?

To top it all off, after I acquired my diet Pepsi and headed back to the office where I was having my meeting, three people came up to me and asked “Do you smoke weed?”  Because apparently I also look like a pot dealer. W. T. F.?

  1. in fact, I purposely chose this dress because earlier in the day I was at an event where I knew the Directors and Executive Director were going to be and so I made a point of wearing what I thought was one of my more professional looking dresses. Apparently I had mistaken what kind of a “professional” I was going to look like []

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Products That I Just Don’t Understand III

In transferring all my files from my old computer to setting up my new MacBook Pro1 and playing with iPhoto2 I discovered some pictures that I clearly scanned from pages that I clearly ripped out of the SkyMall magazine on some trip – I’m guessing it was my trip to Mexico last Christmas, because I don’t think I’ve been on any other flights to the US since then.  Because any time I go on a flight to the US now, the first thing I do is flip through the SkyMall catalogue to find out what kind of insane products they are trying to sell now.  And it appears that I haven’t blogged them yet so, for your blog reading pleasure I give you: Products That I Just Don’t Understand, Part 3:

As always, there has to be a “world’s largest” something in SkyMall.  In this case, it’s the so-called “World Largest Write-On Mural Map”:

stupidly large map

But really, how do they know that it’s the largest map that you hang on a wall on which you can write on in the whole world?3.  And how do they know that it’s the “only accurately detailed, eight-colour 2006 mural of the world”?  Maybe someone else with way too much time on their hands also made one of these.

But what to write on your world’s largest mural map?  Maybe you can trace the route you drove in your fancy new car…. which lives in a car bubble:

car bubble

I’m sure if you have a really expensive car, this product might make sense, but owning this product would make you look like a douchebag.

Next up is the “laser guided pool cue”:

laser cue

Now, if the laser showed you where your ball would go after you hit it, like what angle it would come off of the wall and thus allow you to line up your shot so that you’d know your ball would hit the wall, bounce of and strike another ball, which would then go into the hole – well, that would be awesome. But it appears that this laser just shows you where you pool cue will touch the cue ball when you hit it.  Um, isn’t it obvious? Can’t you just *see* where you are going to hit the ball??

Have money burning a hole in your pocket?  Why not buy this totally useless product?

drink-o-matic

“With a touch of a button, you will have an ice-cold can of soda or beverage.”  Or, you know, you could just put your pop in the fridge like a normal person.  And why, exactly, did they choose “10 cans” as the limit?  Don’t pop and beer come in 12 packs?  What are you supposed to do with the extra 2 cans?

Also in the realm of products that really aren’t needing, here’s a microwave for people who are too lazy to walk to their other microwave in the kitchen:

personal microwave

And speaking of products that fill a need that doesn’t exist, how about this clock that only tells you what day it is?

clock

Stressed out?  Well, stress no more – it’s the “emWave Personal Stress Reliever” to the rescue:

stress relief

Why waste your time with exercise or mediation or other such silly de-stressing strategies when you could just press that button and *poof* all your stress is gone and your “emotions balanced.”

And for the germ phobes:

paper towel

And speaking of hands:

Do It Yourself Accupuncture

Why hire an actual acupuncturist when you could “diagnose and heal yourself and your family”?  You can’t afford not to buy that, really.

Ever wonder what product you could buy that would tell that world “I’m a freak”?  How about this “I kiss my dog on the lips” bracelet?

bracelet

Or this:

head massager

Or this:

For instant cool

“Instant cool”?  Really?  Because if I saw someone wearing that, “cool” is probably the last thing I’d be thinking.

This next product itself isn’t so bad (I mean, I wouldn’t buy it myself, but I wouldn’t think you were a total freak if you owned it), but the caption leaves my questioning:

Peanuts

Crack the whip?  What is this, S&M Peanuts?

And speaking of cartoons, you know the person who “invented” this product was under a deadline to come up with a “new” product and just happened to be watching an episode of The Simpsons:

star baby

These next two products really made me laugh:

dogs

And this next product made me ask: does Senator Al Franken get royalties?

you look fabulous mirror

And finally, this product requires comment mostly because I knew a guy who had one of these:

neck traction

And if you think it looks weird with someone in it, imagine seeing that contraption hanging from someone’s door.  Awk-ward!

Previous editions of Products That I Just Don’t Understand: I and II

  1. which, did I mention, I totally love? []
  2. which I love so much that I would marry it, were such a thing legal []
  3. I had to look up “mural” because I realized that I didn’t really know what it meant, but it just means “executed on or affixed to a wall” []

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Bike Helmets

When, exactly, did everyone stop wearing bike helmets?  It seemed like everyone was wearing them for a long, long time and then, all of the sudden, I’m seeing way more people on bicycles sans helmets.  Did I miss some sort of memo?  I mean, just the other day I was out for a run and saw a women with a toddler in a babyseat on her bike and both the woman AND THE TODDLER didn’t have helmets on.  Who does that?

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Hello Random People From Montara, CA

So, I logged into my blog just now, with no idea in particular about what to blog about today, hoping that staring at the blank screen would inspire me. Or that I’d discover 7/8ths of a blog posting already written which I’d forgotten about1. And, in an effort to further procrastinate on writing, I decided to check out my stats. And this is what I saw:

crazy stats by you.

What the?? What did I write on Feb 262 that would garner such attention? And the thing is – I can’t tell! When I had my big spike previously, it was pretty obvious what happened as almost all the hits were on the Hockey Hotties post and that post had been linked to on a Yahoo sports site.  But this time, there doesn’t appear to be any single posting that got the bulk of the hits.  In fact, if you add up all various pages that were visited on Feb 26 according to WordPress Blog Stats, one posting got 12 visits, another got 11 and then many, many, many postings got 7, 5, 4, 3, 2 or 1 visits.  And if you add them all up, you only get 316 visits, yet the graph tells me that there were 1181 visits.  Huh?

So then I thought I’d visit Google Analytics to see if it could shed any light on this. Now, I installed the Google Analytics plugin when I migrated my blog to this site, but I haven’t really spent any time playing with it, so quite possibly I’m just missing the key thing on there that would explain it all, but I can’t figure out from Google Analytics why the hell I had this huge blip in blog visits.  My blog doesn’t appear to have been linked to on some popular site, as was the case last time, and there aren’t any keyword searches that had gone through roof, as was the case with the Sheldon Souray posting.  The numbers from Google Analytics don’t exactly line up with those of WordPress Blog Stats (I’m assuming that Google Analytics is using Pacific Time rather than G.M.T.), but I do still have a big spike (848 visits and 716 “absolute3 unique visitors”) on Feb 25 and I still can’t figure out why.

What I was able to find out was that 806 visits came from the US, 794 of which were from California, 793 of which were from Montara.  And then the next day (Feb 26) there were another 85 visits from this same city.  And those visits weren’t concentrated on any one page – they were distributed around to pretty much all my pages.  Like someone read my entire blog.  As far as I know, I don’t know *anyone* in Montara, CA, so I am utterly and completely befuddled!

If anyone happens to know how to use Google Analytics to figure out something like this and/or if you are the random (or randoms) from Montara, CA who was reading my blog – give me a shout in the comments section, k?

Update: Many thanks to Darren who worked his Google Analytics magic and figured out that all these hits are coming from something called “Kintiskton LLC,” which, according to a Google search, was running a “naughty” spider that doesn’t comply with robots.txt files.  Figures.  You know how I feel about spiders.

1Which happens more often than you’d think it would, actually.
2Or 25th – as WordPress stats uses G.M.T. so a lot of the hits I get on a given day (Pacific Time) are registered as being on the following day.
3Shouldn’t that be “absolutely”?

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Googling Google

Am I the only on who finds it odd that “Google” was one of the top ten words searched for in Google in Canada in 2008.

Who the hell is Googling “Google”?  I mean, if you are ALREADY ON THE GOOGLE WEBSITE, why do you have to search for it?  I mean, sure, it’s hard to remember that Google can be found at www.google.ca (or .com… as if you mistakenly type “google.com” and you are in Canada, it will automatically switch it to .ca for you).  Such a difficult URL to remember.  But you are ALREADY ON THE GOOGLE WEBSITE!!  And it’s not just like a few randoms were doing this.  It was in the top ten searches conducted this year.

This is what I imagine an individual’s thought process is when this happens:  “Man, I sure would like to search for information about Sarah Palin.  I wonder how I can find such information?  Hmm, I hear that Google is an excellent search engine and can surely direct me to photos of Sarah Palin in a star-spangled bikini, but the Google URL is so hard to remember! I know, I’ll Google it!”

Also funny: another one of the words in top ten list of words searched in Google in 2008 – Yahoo.

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The best line in the English federal leaders’ debate…

… goes to Jack Layton for saying to Stephen Harper: “Where’s the platform, under the sweater1?”

Is anyone else dismayed by the fact that Harper has not issued his party platform?

How, exactly, can you run an election campaign without letting the public know what your plan is?  Even more mind-boggling than that is: polls show the platform-less Harper is in the lead!

1The “sweater” comments refers to the fact that Harper is wearing sweaters in his campaign ads to “soften his image.” You know, his image as a compassionate-less robot would would ignore someone who just fainted.

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Stupidest Tongue Injury Ever

Picture it. I’m sitting in my office, chewing some gum and, out of nowhere, I bite my tongue. But not only do I bite my tongue – oh no, that wouldn’t be ridiculous enough. I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds. Profusely.

You’d think that with 31 years experience, I’d be able to have my own tongue in my own mouth without biting it.  You’d think.

I would like to point out, in case you are ever considering biting your tongue so hard that it bleeds, that it’s very difficult to put pressure on one’s tongue in order to stop profuse bleeding.  I mean, I grabbed a tissue and applied pressure, but then the tissue just all sticks to your tongue and it’s all “Ick, I’m eating a Kleenex now!  A bloody Kleenex from my profusely bleeding tongue.”

Also from the too much information department, some photos of said injury:

Today’s episode of stupidity has been brought to you by the letter I1

1as in, I am a jackass.