Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

By

My Kingdom For A 24-Hour Grocery Store

Why, oh why, did I not notice that my bread expired two days ago until 3 am? All I wanted was a lousy peanut butter sandwich to help me through this long, long night of thesis revisions. Oh thesis revisions, how I hate you. And I’m not the only one:

Thanks to those sweethearts who made their messenger names and tag lines reflect my misery. You give me the strength to go on, knowing that you care!

And thanks to all the sweethearts for their kind comments about the much awaited photo of me & my shoes… your stroking of my ego is much appreciated!

Have you ever been so tired that every bone in your body aches?

By

For those with a Beth-in-sexy-shoes fetish…

Sorry I’ve been MIA lately — have been working frantically to try to get the thesis revisions done, with no time for such things as eating proper meals, sleeping or blogging. Still working on the revisions, but getting there. Was very burnt out and so actually did some partying this weekend (full report on that to come once I’m done with the revisions). But I just HAD to make this quick posting because I now have, as requested, a pic of me in my new shoes!

By

Done and done

I’m typing this posting from my new apartment! I moved! And I survived the move! Sure, I’m surrounded by piles and piles of boxes, into which has been folded/squished/stuffed virtually everything I own, which will probably take me all summer to unpack. And sure my apartment contains the possessions of no fewer than 4 people. And sure my countertop dishwasher is about 16 feet too tall to fit on my new counter. But I’m in my new home and I love it!

Many thanks to Erika, Shalu & Deepak who helped me move all my stuff and did it with smiles on their faces. And to Erika’s dad, who lent his truck! I’m so lucky to have such wonderful and generous friends!

OK, now it’s back to these damn hell thesis revisions, despite the fact that I did not sleep last night. I’ll have plenty of time to sleep when I’m dead, right?

By

Misery Loves Company

Long weekends don’t mean a lot when you are a grad student. Especially a grad student with such a sporadic schedule as mine. When I have experiments going, I’m in the lab 7 days a week, usually for anywhere between 8-14 hours a day. I usually forget to eat until about 4 pm, when Shalu and I both nearly pass out from hunger. When I’m in a writing phase, I will usually work everyday, late into the night, drinking copious amounts of coffee/tea/diet Pepsi, and then sleep in ’til noon. And repeat, with each night getting progressively later until I end up working ’til 7 am and sleeping ’til 3 in the afternoon. Or maybe I’ll take a week and just goof off. I often lose track of what day of the week it is, since days melt into nights, weekdays melt into weekends – it’s all the same to me.

And as much as I love what I do and the flexibility that my career (sometimes) affords me, when I hear people who have regular jobs, with regular schedules talk about their plans for the long weekend and realize that they can actually enjoy their “free time” without the nagging voice in the back of their mind saying “you should be working right now!”, I feel a pang of jealousy*.

This long weekend will be filled with more working on the thesis (of “Thesis Writing is Hell” fame), punctuated by packing to move. All of which will take place inside my dank basement apartment. The apartment I’ve spent so much time in working on the damn hell thesis lately that I think I’ll go mad**.

So, since I’m in a bitter and angry place right now, I was pleased to see this weekend’s forecast:

It’s been gorgeously sunny and warm for about a week, but in typical Vancouver fashion, it will raining throughout the entire long weekend. Except on Sunday, when apparently the weather will be Not Applicable***. Enjoy your long weekend, Vancouver! ****

On a completely unrelated topic:

As per Dave’s request, I’m posting a link to the funniest video EVER! Calgary Flames. Singing. Seriously. Watch this video and tell me that anyone who is a Flames fan isn’t a complete freak. You can’t touch a flame when it’s red hot!

*when I hear about how people actually get paid a living wage (or more) for their work, I experience another pang of jealousy. But that’s a whole other issue.

**thank god for the friends who have invited me out for dinner lately, giving me an excuse to get out of this place once in a while! I owe them my sanity (such as it is).

***WTF?

***I know. That is mean and spiteful and I’m going to hell. Please send me beer, as it will be hot there. I hear that beer is an acquired taste, like red wine.

By

Go Oilers!

The Edmonton Oilers are off to Anaheim for the Western Conference finals after beating San Jose 2-0 tonight! Go Oilers! Bring the Cup back to Canada boys!! Since my beloved/despised Canucks never even made the playoffs, and my backup team, the Sens, inexplicably got knocked out by Buffalo*, I’ve been cheering for the Oilers. Granted, I wouldn’t have been too disappointed if San Jose won, seeing as how they will be the closest team to me once I move so I now have a bit of a soft-spot for them… but I am much happier with an Oilers victory. Unlike Calgary, the Oilers fans aren’t jerks**, so I am am happy to cheer them on. Oh ya, and the Vancouver Giants play in the Memorial Cup tourney starting on Saturday — go Giants!

Speaking of sports, I just joined a soccer team for the summer. Now, I don’t know the first thing about soccer. I don’t think I’ve played soccer since, well, probably grade 9 gym class. But I figure it’s just like hockey but without the ice, right? I feel like all I’ve been doing for the past month is sitting and typing, with the occasional jaunt out to the library, to Tim Horton’s or for a short walk around town in my new shoes, and I can just feel my muscles atrophying, so I needed to do something that will actually get me off my butt. I’ll let you know how it works out.

Also, one of my favourite pens died today****. Boo! I have this aversion to buying pens when people are always giving out free pens with their logos on them. So I’m always writing with some sort of promotional pen or another and I’ve found that they really vary in quality. I was really liking this one particular pen and then it up and died on me! Farewell, pen from Stem Cell Technologies that I’m sure I picked up at some conference or another, you will be sadly missed.

*WTF?

**thank god no Calgarians read my blog!

***yes, this is how boring my life has gotten. I’m writing about pens.

By

Best.Joke.Ever

Go to Jody’s blog and read this joke.

Do it. Do it now.

By

I Want Cookies

It’s past 3 am and I’m still up working*. I am bound and determined that I will have my chapters 2 and 3 finished and sent to my supervisor before I go to bed. I’m almost done proofreading chapter 2 and then will proofread chapter 3… which means I probably won’t actually go to bed tonight, as I actually do have to get up and go to campus tomorrow morning. And for someone who has spent the majority of the past week wearing her PJs and chained to her computer into the wee hours of the morning, that will actually be a little weird, having somewhere else that I actually have to be. This is the state of my life right now. Two words: gong show.

Earlier this evening I was totally jonesing for some tea and, to my chagrin, I had run out of soymilk. And I just can’t abide tea without soymilk. Or at least regular milk. Some kind of proteinaceous milk-like substance, of which I had none. So I made the trek to the grocery store, got my soymilk (which was on sale! Go Safeway!), lugged it all the way home, and by the time I got home, I was too hot for tea and decided to have a diet Pepsi instead. I told you, my life right now = gong show.

However, now it is many hours later and the desire for tea reared its ugly head, but this time I was prepared for it! So now I am sitting here, writing this blog, drinking my tea with soymilk and totally jonesing for some cookies! Did I think to get cookies when I was at the store? No, of course I didn’t!

Oh yea, I should probably also let you know that the few times I’ve found excuses** to leave my dank, mouldy basement apartment during the hours in which the sun is shining over the last few days, I have worn my new shoes! And they are spectacular! I LITERALLY stopped traffic in those shoes. LITERALLY! I was waiting to the cross the street (not at a crosswalk) and a car stopped, right in the middle of the street, the driver gesturing for me to cross the street as if to say “let me stop here so I can take a good look at those spectacular shoes!” And a woman on a patio*** at a restaurant on Broadway that I walked by stared at my shoes — she actually turned her head to continue looking at my feet as I passed by… it was pretty funny. Oh yes, I think I’m going to enjoy wearing these shoes all summer long!

Update: It’s 5:24 am and I just emailed chapters 2 and 3 to my supervisor! Woo hoo!

*OK, so by virtue of the fact that I am writing this posting, I am not, in fact, actually working. But I have been working and will return to working once I finish this post. I just needed to give my brain a wee break and thought that spilling all the random thoughts in my head out into cyberspace might be a good way to do that.

**Excuses like, my printer ran out of ink and I must buy more. Or, I must have a bag of chips RIGHT NOW!!

***Vancouverites are ecstatic that patio weather has finally arrived!

By

Red Wine and Free Sex Clinics

Just got home from dinner at a friend’s place… she lives downtown, so after our lovely dinner and a few bottles of wine*, I had to venture out to the craziness that is downtown Vancouver on a Friday night. Deciding that it wasn’t worth waiting for the 6 bus (that may or may not ever arrive) to take me up Davie St., I decided to walk it. So did another guy at the bus stop, so we chatted about being from Ontario** as we walked up the street. When I got to Howe St (where I could catch the 17 to get me home), he said, “Do you want me to write about you in “I Saw You“? “I Saw You” is this feature in a local paper, the Georgia Straight, where you can write a personal ad about the person you saw on the bus or in the grocery store or you made out with on the dance floor of some club but were to shy to ask for their phone number. I always read “I Saw You” in the hopes that someone would be so enamored with me that they’d need to write about it in the paper, but no one ever does. And this guy really wasn’t the guy I’d want to be writing about me. Boo!

So anyway, as I’m waiting for the 17, I start chatting with a couple of guys at the bus stop. They are from, surprize surprize, Ottawa, and they are giving a number of a company that hires people to teach English in Taiwan to a homeless person. Also, some random is passing a joint around. Anyway, we get chatting and the one guy asks me what I do and I say that I’m a scientist and he starts coming up with things that I should invent. Like a pill that makes your hair grow really fast, but your hair is pot. So you can cut your hair and smoke up. Then some other random on the bus (‘cuz the bus has arrived by this point) decides that the pill should also make your fingernails grow as rolling papers. Then he asks what’s the deal with us giving free crack to crackheads? And if we are doing that, why don’t we give out free alcohol? And free sex? You know, free sex clinics that give out whatever you like… like, a guy can walk in and say “Today I’d like big titties” or a girl can walk in and say “I’d like 8 inches today!” You know, I think he may have been on to something… but then again, I may just be drunk.

*Sarah, I’m starting to appreciate that you are right about red wine being an acquired taste.

**Pretty much everyone you meet here is originally from Ontario. I don’t think anyone actually lived in BC prior to 1997.

By

My Shoes Are Here!!

Now, I may not have mentioned this before, but I recently purchased some shoes on e-bay. And they are here now!!! And they are perfect!!!

I realize that there was a request for a picture of me wearing said shoes, but (and you may find this shocking), I don’t own a digital camera! I usually have access to the Let’s Talk Science digital camera, but it is currently with some volunteers who went on a trip to Kelowna, so I can’t use it to take a pic of my smoking hot new shoes. I can assure you that they look EXACTLY like the e-bay picture and that I will post a pic of me in new my babies as soon as I track down someone with a digi-cam that will take my picture. Yeesh. Being a starving scientist sucks.

By

Hump at the Pump

On CFOX radio in Vancouver*, they do this thing called Hump at the Pump. Basically, they find two complete strangers and get them to make out at a gas station, pumping gas into their cars for as long as they keep making out. The radio guy pumping the gas gives a play-by-play over the radio and then they put the video of it up on the net (click here to witness an example of the debauchery).

So, the question is: would you make out with a complete stranger for free gas? Keep in mind that here in Vancouver, gas currently cost about $1.20 a litre. (For my American readers, 1 litre = 0.264 gallons… so we are talking like $4.50 per gallon).

*I’m willing to bet that they do this at radio stations in other cities too. Radio stations seem to be the same no matter where you go.