Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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Gone Vacationing

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Don’t wait up.

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This Makes Me Want Eggo Waffles

Hey Aunt Jemima, spoof of Hey There Delilah.

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The Bestest T-Shirt Ever

‘member a long, long time ago I bought a T-shirt from T-shirt Hell.com? And then I asked y’all to guess which one I bought? And then I left you hanging for over 2 months without telling you which shirt I bought? Well, wonder no longer – I finally got around to taking a pic:

tshirt

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Transmorphers?

transmorphers

Really?

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How To Give Oneself A Heart Attack1

Go to your hockey game and, when you get to the arena, discover that your beloved Palm Treo Smartphone is not in your jacket pocket. Look around your co-op car, but don’t find it, and tell yourself, “oh, I’m sure it fell out of my pocket when I had my jacket on the couch. It’s clearly just sitting on my couch.” Arrive home, 5 hours later and don’t find your beloved Palm Treo Smartphone sitting on the couch. In fact, don’t find it *anywhere* in your apartment. Use Skype to call it, expecting to hear your beloved ringtone on your beloved Palm Treo Smartphone, but don’t hear it. Keep Skyping it, and think you can vaguely hear it, but then decide you are just imagining it and feel the sinking realization that you may have lost your beloved Palm Treo Smartphone for good. Because it clearly is not in the apartment. Run back out to your co-op car, and search every inch of it, three times, but don’t find your beloved Palm Treo Smartphone. Your $550 beloved Palm Treo Smartphone that you definitely do not have enough money to replace. Try Skyping it and running outside to see if you can hear it ringing in your co-op car and swear that you could hear it, very faintly as you run outside and curse your low number of rings before the voicemail picks up. Find a friend who is awake at 12:30 am and Skype them, telling them they have to keep calling your cell phone until you find it. Realize at this point that you have now lost the key to your co-op car at some point during your frantic running around looking for your phone. Run outside, just to see if you can hear it coming from inside the car, even if you now have no key to get into said car. Mercifully, mercifully, hear your beloved ringtone on your beloved Palm Treo Smartphone, run to the car, but then realize that the sound is not coming from inside the car. Look around in the darkness, listening…. where is that beloved ringtone coming from? Realize in horror that it’s coming from across the road, where you had the car parked before you went to hockey, now some 5.5 hours hours ago. Find your beloved Palm Treo Smartphone sitting in a pile of wet leaves on the side of the road, where it must have been sitting for almost 6 hours! Where, mercifully, miraculously, inexplicably it was neither stolen nor run over2. Pick it up, caress it, tell it you are so, so sorry and you’ll never let it fall out of your pocket again.

Now face another half hour of searching for the co-op car key. Which it turns out you dropped on the front lawn, but this somehow requires you go over the lawn with a fine toothed comb like six times before it turns up. Finally, mercifully be able to return your co-op car at 1 a.m., face the walk home from dropping off the car knowing you still need a post-hockey shower and you have to get up at 6 a.m. *Sigh*.

I’m pretty sure this experience will increase my phone- and car key-losing paranoia, which was already at what I believed to be an unreasonable level, exponentially.

1Alternative titles for this blog posting include, “Also Not To Be Trusted With Cell Phones,” and “Truly the Dropper of All Things Valuable.”
2The one benefit of living in the sleepy area of the city, where all the elderly people live. No one is outside past 5 pm and so no one can hear your cell phone ringing and steal it. If I’d dropped a $550 gadget on the side of the road in downtown Vancouver or Kits, it would have been gone within seconds!

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Finally, I can pay off those student loans

Just received this email:

From:DR NICK COLE.
Manchester M27 5FX, United Kingdom.

This is to inform you that your funds of US$10 Million has been approved for immediate delivery to you.For the purpose of clarification,you are advised to reconfirm:
(1)Your Full Names———
(2)Your Direct Telephone Numbers——–
(3)Your Physical Address with Zip Code——-

So that there will be no error during the delivery of the funds to you in your country of residence.Your quick response will be highly appreciated.

DR NICK COLE.

Thank god. I can really use $10 Million, even if it is in crappy US dollars.

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Three Months Worth of Recycling and My Biennal Apartment Cleaning

Ever wonder what 3 months worth of recycling looks like? Well, wonder no longer:

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This is the recycling that has been piling up in my kitchen since the city workers’s strike started back in July. They are *finally* going to pick up recycling this week and I can’t wait to put this stuff outside and get my kitchen back!!

In other cleaning-up-my-place news, I was struck with my biennial “I feel like cleaning” mood on Friday and did some tidying up and organizing. Apparently there is this new invention that’s like a sponge on a stick and you put the sponge part in soapy water and run it across your floor. I believe they call it a “mop.” So I tried that out and now have shiny kitchen and bathroom floors1

Some other features of my newly semi-organized place include taking my shoe collection from looking like this:

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To looking like this:

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Although I do have to admit that even with a five-story shoe rack, I don’t have enough room for all my shoes2

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Also, I hung up a whole bunch of stuff on the walls, as seen here:

art
My two favourite pieces:
“Spirt Bear” by Joseph M. Wilson and
“Haida Killer Whale – Skaana” by Bill Reid

SanFranArt
My friend Therese brought these two pieces,
which apparently I have not hung up straight,
back from San Fran for me.

kitchen
The flower paintings were done by my cousin’s husband and given out
as gifts to everyone at their wedding. The gingerbread man cutting board
was given to me by either my mom or my sister (I can’t remember which).
braggingwall

This is my bragging wall… or, walls I guess, as I couldn’t fit them all on one wall
(Go to the Flickr page if you want to see what each of these degrees/diplomas/awards are).

Of course, there are still piles of paper on various tables, chairs, filing cabinets and other available surfaces (photos not available3), but I’m sure I’ll get around to cleaning them up in 2009, when the mood to clean hits me again.

1Although the tile in my kitchen, like the paint on the walls and all the furniture, is older than me, so it still kinda looks like crap.
2Plus, there are four more pairs in my bedroom that I forgot to take a photo of and I’m too lazy to take a photo and upload it now that I’ve realized that I didn’t take a photo of them.
3Because I don’t want to document what a slob I am. Despite my claims to the contrary, I’m really not at all about fair and balanced reporting .

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Oh Em Gee

OMG. I just saw this over on Kris‘s blog and I had to share it with you. HAD TO.

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Why I Am Not To Be Trusted With Knives – Exhibit A

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My Latest Publication

I’m pleased to announce the publication of my latest study!

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Click here to read the whole paper (.pdf).

Seriously, you want to read this paper. I promise you won’t be disappointed. It’s even got pictures or, as we science-y types call them, “figures.”