Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

By

An Analysis of the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey Roster

The roster for the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey team was announced on Wednesday. Since that time, the analysts here at NTBTWK have been conducting a thorough analysis of the roster. The results of this research are as follows:

Forwards
Patrice Bergeron, Boston Bruins Not hot
Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins Hottie! (Though not the best pic of him)
Ryan Getzlaf, Anaheim Ducks Hottie.  See a better picture
of him here.
Dany Heatley, San Jose Sharks Alas, not hot.
Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames Hottie.
Patrick Marleau, San Jose Sharks Decidedly not hot.
Brenden Morrow, Dallas Stars Hot.
Rick Nash, Columbus Blue Jackets Not.
Corey Perry, Anaheim Ducks Not!

Michael Richards 1, Philadelphia Flyers

Hot when he doesn’t have this
goofy look on his face.
Eric Staal, Carolina Hurricanes Not.  Thought I can see how some might find him attractive, but he just doesn’t do it for me.
Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks Not.
Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks Rawr!  Hott-ee!!
Defence
Dan Boyle, San Jose Sharks Not.
Drew Doughty, LA Kings Not.
Duncan Keith, Chicago Blackhawks Ewww, not.  Get a haircut.
Scott Niedermayer, Anaheim Ducks Ack! No!
Chris Pronger, Philadelphia Flyers Nu uh!
Brent Seabrook, Chicago Blackhawks Mmmm. Hottie.
Also see here.
Shea Weber, Nashville Predators Like Michael Richards, this is
a hottie who happens to
have a stupid look on his face
in his Team Canada photo.
Better photo

And here.
Goalies
Martin Brodeur, NJ Devils No.
Marc-André Fleury, Pittsburgh Penguins Eww.
Roberto Luongo, Vancouver Canucks Luo, I love you as a goalie,
but you are just not hot.
  1. no relation []

14 Responses to An Analysis of the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey Roster

  1. Shihtzustaff says:

    Your analysts have worked hard. I would be interested in knowing the mathematical equation used to determine the difference between hot and not hot and hot and hawt.

  2. Rebecca says:

    Dan Boyle looks like an evil henchman. Maybe he should have shaved first.

  3. Darren says:

    I think you should reject Shea Weber on the basis of that soul patch alone.

    I haven't done this with our women's national team, but I did note that Gillian Apps (granddaughter of the great Syl Apps) looked quite hot (which also features the hot Iginla and the not-hot Phaneuf) in this Nike ad: http://bit.ly/8BJlyD

    • drbethsnow says:

      The soul patch can be removed easily enough. Or are you figuring that choosing to have a soul patch is an indication of a douchebag personality?

      I didn't know that Syl Apps' granddaughter was on the women's national team. That's very cool. A bit of a tangent: there was a juvenile detention centre named after Syl Apps in the town I grew up in (after his hockey career, he went into politics and became Minister of Correctional Services). The first time I heard of it, I thought it was called the "Slaps Centre" – which seemed a bit inappropriate.

      • Darren says:

        Yes, I would say that the soul patch speaks to his character. Though, you know, we all made bad hair mistakes in our youth.

        I don't know, I think 'Slaps Centre' is a pretty good name for a juvenile detention centre.

  4. Krista Lee says:

    Brodeur, way hotter than Greasy Luongo. Rick Nash = hottie.
    Otherwise an excellent analysis.

    • drbethsnow says:

      I can see why you like Rick Nash – he kinda looks a bit like your husband! Not my type though.

      And I agree that Brodeur is way hotter than Greasy Luongo. Just not hot enough to rank hottie in my books.

  5. Morrow? Really? I have to say I don't see it…

    For me, Crosby is your archetypal "near miss". All the right components are there, but they just don't fall together quite right. See also: Bieksa.

    Iginla has a lovely smile, which goes a long way in my book. Lu looked waaaaaaaay better with short hair.

  6. Thanks a lot and I’ll subscribe to the blog so I can keep reading.

  7. bwin.fr says:

    Alot of the time i see pages with silly comments and thought wouldn’t it be nice to be one.. Nice blog found you via google. Will check back. See what other jems you post.

  8. Pingback: shea weber nashville predators » Images Search

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.