Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


It’s My Car-iversary!

One year ago today, I picked up my beautiful baby Smart carSmart car from the dealership!

In that time I have:

  • driven 22,000+ km
  • spent $1699.77 on gas

This is pretty close to what I estimated for the one year mark when I hit the 10,000 km mark back in October.

It works out to about 7.5 cents per km – and that’s buying the 91 octane gas, as opposed to the cheap stuff.  I know all this because I’ve been keeping a spreadsheet to track my driving & fuel costs1.  I wanted to see if my car actually gets the advertised mileage of 5.4 L/100km2.  I’m getting a mileage of 6.2 L/100 km3, which is quite different from the 5.9 L /100 km I was getting at the 10,000 km mark4

Happy Birthday, Zaphod Beeblebrox the Car!

  1. I heart spreadsheets []
  2. or 43.6 mpg for Americans and Kalev []
  3. or 37.3 mpg []
  4. I have no idea why this is.  Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? []


Why I Will Never Be Able To Own Property

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I filled out the “how much of a mortgage can you afford?” calculator on the Royal Bank’s website.  This is what I got:

Mortgage calculator

So, the bank is willing to lend me somewhere between $68 and $71 to buy a home. I feel so honoured that they feel I could pay this vast sum back within the 35 YEAR amortization that I had to choose in the calculator in order not to receive a “we cannot calculate anything at all for you, you poverty-stricken loser” error message.  I especially love that they figure I can afford $71 paid back over 35 years if I have a downpayment of $30,000.  I mean, if I’m so poor that I can only afford about a one cent per month mortgage payment1, where do they think I’m getting a $30,000 down payment from?

And huzzah!:

Save $12

I could save 12 whole dollars if I make accelerated bi-monthly payments.  I mean, I can’t afford not to!

I guess I’ll check again in about 5 years when my student loans are paid off. Maybe then they’ll let me get a mortgage and I’ll only be slightly into my retirement by the time my mortgage is paid off. Sigh.

I guess I should have taken them seriously when I saw this message before I started the calculator:

You might be surprised

Surprised indeed.  Or, you know, depressed.  Whatevs.

  1. I don’t know what they actually think the monthly payment would be, because it’s been rounded off to $0 []