Not To Be Trusted With Knives

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Why A Camera Crew Should Follow Me Around At All Times

A camera crew should follow me around at all times because, like my niece, I’m constantly saying hilarious and witty things that really should be shared with all the world. I mean, it’s a crime against humanity when I say something like, “You definitely can’t plan a spontaneous orgy” or “You had me at “dirty Christmas tree”1 and not everyone gets to hear it.

Moreover, a camera crew should follow me around at all times because I have hilarious accidents that really would be awesome if caught on film. Like, for instance, tonight when I came home from the laundromat2, carrying my heavy basket of clean laundry3, plus a bag of groceries, down the steep steps to my front door4 (do you see where this is going?) and managed to think I’d walked down all the steps5, but really I had one more step to go, so I stepped forward as if the ground would be flat, but the ground was not, in fact, flat and thus I took a nice header into the concrete floor in front of my front door. Clean laundry all over the concrete floor. Gah!

Seriously, though, I bet that would have been hilarious to see. Would almost make the sore wrist & sore shoulder worth it.

  1. For the record, both of these lines actually did come up in conversation. True story. []
  2. dear FSM, I hate going to the freaking laundromat. Curses upon you suburbanites and your unwillingness to share the house laundry facilities! []
  3. between hockey jerseys, running clothes, work clothes and causal clothes, I make an unholy amount of laundry for a single, and relatively small, person []
  4. dear FSM, I would like to someday live above ground []
  5. I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that if you are ever installing a motion sensor light, maybe you don’t want to make it so that people have to walk all the way down the stairs in the pitch black before they trip the motion sensor, at which point they are already at the front door []

9 Responses to Why A Camera Crew Should Follow Me Around At All Times

  1. Kalev Hunt says:

    Oh my gosh! Poor Beff!

    Motion sensor setup is definitely an arcane art that few have mastered.

    It’s funny how your sensory motor memory is as bad as your actual memory, though.

  2. Beth says:

    LOL! In my defence, I’m not usually carrying a giant heavy laundry basket and a bag of groceries down the stairs. I’m sure that has to throw off one’s sensory motor memory.

  3. Kalev Hunt says:

    I love how you knew what I was getting at. 😛

  4. Oh no!

    Your landlady seriously doesn’t let you share the in-house washing machine? That’s terrible!

  5. Beth says:

    No one this side of the Oak & Knight Street bridges does (based on my limited sample of the apartments I looked at when I moved). It’s the weirdest thing. In Vancouver, basement dwellers always get to share the laundry facilities with the above ground dwellers. But in the burbs (at least at any of the apartments I looked at), when I suggested such an idea they looked at me like I had horns growing out of my head for even suggesting it.

  6. Chris T says:

    What does FSM stand for?

  7. Beth says:

    Flying Spaghetti Monster. Surely you have heard the word of the FSM? http://www.venganza.org/

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