Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


Upcoming Awesome, Um, Electronic Device Buying Fundraiser Party

So, as you know, I’m trying to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis Canada by playing in a game of hockey that will go on, non-stop, for 10 days! Trying to raise *a lot* of money. In fact, each of the players are trying to raise $5,000 before the puck drops, a mere 59 days from now!

In addition to asking for straight up donations (and did I mention that you can go right to this page to donate?1, I’m trying to come up with creative ways to make some coin. Kim and I sold a fair amount of chocolate hockey sticks & pucks2 and I’ve sold some Longest Game for CF t-shirts3.

My latest fundraising adventure, however, is a bit more, shall we say, NSFW. I’m having a sex toy party! Wait, what? That’s right, I’m having a party where people get to buy sex toys and part of the proceeds go to charity! It’s win-win. You get sex toys, CF Canada gets money to put towards research to help combat Cystic Fibrosis. Plus, no one can judge you for spending your money on sex toys because it’s for charity! Also, as we all know, I like to name certain, um, electronic devices after Canucks players, so there’s even a hockey tie in.

My lovely friend Lianna has been nice enough to let me use her home in Vancouver for said party, since no one would go out to Surrey for it4. The company that sells the sex toys is owned and operated by women, so it’s fun and women-friendly5. My friend Linda had one of these parties a while ago, which is how I first heard about it, and it was a blast!

I did, however, leave the booking of said party a wee bit late, so some of the people I’ve invited aren’t able to come due to prior engagements. So if I know you and you are in the Vancouver area and you are free on Thursday evening and you think you’d like to come along to said party, send me a message. And if you aren’t in the Vancouver area (or can’t make it on Thursday) but you’d still like to partake, you can actually order products through me6 and I can add them to my total for the fundraiser! The product catalog is online, but just be sure to send me a message about when you want to order (rather than ordering online) so that I get credit!

  1. Be sure to select my name from the drop down list!! []
  2. Mostly to our chocolate-loving coworkers! []
  3. Mostly to my awesome family members! []
  4. Not that I would blame them! []
  5. Unlike, say a certain XXX shop that a certain friend of mine may have taken a photo with a certain gigantic butt plug during her certain bachelorette weekend []
  6. by about Friday or Saturday []


Esoteric Blog Posting of the Day

So I’m watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother (a show that I freaking love, by the way) and I notice an extra in the background in an office scene, wearing a black and white skirt:


In a following shot, we see a close up of that skirt:

skirt 2

That’s MY freaking skirt1!!

Day 101

Day 25

That is all.

  1. A skirt that I bought from Dr. Jen when she was paring down her wardrobe. I miss you, Dr. Jen!! []


Reverse Writer’s Block

Whenever I have time, I draw a complete blank on what to blog about. When I’m swamped with one billion things to do (like I was while away on my so-called “vacation” and like I am this week), I have eleventy thousand ideas for blog posts. I could stay up to write a proper posting, but I’m so tired that I could cry, so in lieu of a real blog posting, I present you this list of all the stuff I’ve been meaning to blog about/I’ve started a draft blog posting about1:

  • Visit to the Mint in Ottawa
  • Visit to the National Art Gallery in Ottawa
  • My Family Reunion
  • Family Jewels
  • Completion of my 365 Photo Challenge
  • Upcoming Bootcamp for my 10-day Long Hockey Game
  • Upcoming Awesome, Um, Electronic Device Buying Fundraiser Party for my 10-day Long Hockey Game
  • Upcoming Pub Night Fundraiser for my 10-Day Long Hockey Game
  • Comparison of Sharkies, PowerGel, Energy Blocks & Gatorade as means of glucose/electrolyte replacement
  • Top Secret Thing I Can’t Blog About Yet But Which is Super Awesometastic
  • Something Else About the Super Awesometastic Thing I Can’t Yet Blog About
  • The NHL Draft
  • My Skirt on a TV Show

That last one is actually a full written draft, which I’d forgotten I’d written and not yet posted and only just re-discovered while I was checking out my drafts in order to write that list. I’m totally posting that as tomorrow’s posting.

I think I need about 27 more hours in my day.

  1. Where by “draft blog posting,” I mean, in most cases, I’ve written down the title to remind myself to blog about it []



So, after being a complete delinquent with respect to things normal day-to-day living (things like packing my lunch/making dinner at home/going to bed at a reasonable hour) over the past couple of months, which – did I mention? – I completely blame on the Vancouver Canucks for being so awesome as to make it to the Stanley Cup and making me spend all my time watching them, followed by a whirlwind trip to visit the fam & friends in Ontario, I’ve decided it’s high time that I get back to my routine.

To that end, my lunch is packed and waiting for me in the fridge, as is my breakfast; my coffee maker is set up to make me coffee upon my waking; my dishwasher is loaded and ready to turn on in the middle of the night1; and I’m going to bed at 10:30 p.m., meaning I will actually get a full EIGHT HOURS OF SLEEP and still have plenty of time to get to the office bright and early.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go floss!

  1. I use the “delay” feature so that I comes on after I’m asleep. Otherwise the noise drives me crazy when I’m trying to sleep! []


Worst. Parade. Ever.

I’m taking a page out of the Dr. Dan book of blogging by titling this blog posting about my race using the best sign that I saw along the route. In addition to the sign that said, “Worst. Parade. Ever.” my favourite signs that I saw along the half marathon route today included:

  • Your legs hurt because you are kicking so much ass!
  • Go Random Stranger Go!
  • Stop Reading! Get Running!
  • Where is everyone going?

With my latest half marathon medal -Scotiabank Half Marathon 2011So, yeah, I ran a half marathon today. Originally, when I first set out to run this half, I wanted to aim for a 2 hr finish, given my kick ass 2:07 finish last October in Victoria1. However, given my quarter-assed2 training – for which I completely blame the Vancouver Canucks for making it all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals, necessitating me to watch hockey and drink beer instead of training for my race well into June – I revised my goal and merely hoped that I wouldn’t have my worst finish ever. In truth, I was hoping that, despite my lacklustre training, I could use my experience at running halfs, the fact that I did do all the long runs for the training, and my good looks3 to pull off a 2:15 finish – that would be my second best time ever. And, happily, I did manage to beat that revised, revised goal! My official time was:


So, not only did I *not* set a personal worst, but I set my second best time ever and my best for the Scotiabank Half Marathon. Not too shabby for a slacker such as myself!

Also, props must go out to my friends Kim and Lance on their first half marathons! Kim’s training was even more disrupted than mine, thanks to her taking a new job with insanely insane hours and she finished her race in 2:31:03. Lance, despite running on a (possibly) broken foot and running with Kim for the first 10 km before taking off, kicked our butts with a 2:09:35 finish!

Beth & Kim - Before the Scotiabank Half Marathon 2011
Me & Kim before the race!

Kim & Lance - Before the Scotiabank Half Marathon 2011
Kim & Lance before the race.

When I talked to Kim before the I left on my trip, she was not feeling too keen on this whole long distance running thing and declared that this would be her first and only half marathon. After the race today, she was making plans with me to run the Royal Victoria Half Marathon in October! I have brought one over to the dark side! Where by “dark side,” I mean “awesome side.”

Also, I am happy to report that my new running playlist was super kick ass and kept me motivated the whole time. W00t!

Scotiabank Half Marathon 2011 Route
Scotiabank Half Marathon 2011 Route

After the race, we hopped on the shuttle bus back to UBC – the race starts at UBC, but finishes at Stanley Park, so they shuttle everyone back to their cars that they left on campus via yellow school buses – and then headed to Cafe Deux Soliels for brunch4. I believe that I have mentioned before how post-race food is the most amazing food of all the foods that have ever nourished human beings since the beginning of time and by the time we got to Cafe Deux Soliels Soleils, I would have punched a baby dolphin in the face for a coffee. The coffee was not as good as it could have been5, but my omelette and homefries were the most amazingly delicious omelette and homefries that have ever been made in the history of omelettes and homefries.

Now that Half Marathon #1 of 2011 is complete, it’s time to focus on getting ready for my insanely long 10-day hockey game. This will involve, as it turns out, a boot camp, but that, my friends, is a topic for another blog posting!

  1. Originally originally, though, I intended to run the BMO half in May, but postponed it ’til this race because the winter was too winter-like to actually do any proper training. []
  2. “Quarter-assed” being even more half-assed than “half-assed.” []
  3. Good looks may or may not have contributed to my running speed. []
  4. Nonconicidentally, this is the same place that Kim and I brunched after our 8 km race in May. It’s kind of our thing now. []
  5. I don’t remember their coffee being that weak before, so either I’m developing a taste for stronger coffee or I just happened to get a poorly made pot. []


Early To Bed

I’m home from my whirlwind trip and have much to blog about, but that will have to wait as I’m hitting the hay early, since I have to be at the starting line of the Scotiabank Half Marathon at UBC at 7 a.m. tomorrow. Which means that we’ll1 be leaving here around 5 a.m., to give us plenty of time to get to UBC, find parking, deal with bag check, do some stretching to warm up.


Wish us luck. And send us warm glowing warming glowing happy run fast thoughts tomorrow around 7 a.m. Pacific time, ok?

Also, you’ll be able to see the results here after the race is done. Although I’ll probably blog it – and definitely will tweet it – first!

  1. Where we = me, Kim & Lance. []


At The Airport

Time flies when you are having fun! Seems like I just got to Ontario and now I’m at the airport, waiting for my flight home! Since I last blogged, I:

  • had breakfast, lunch1, and dinner with Kalev
  • had breakfast with my mom, Aunt Eileen & my sister
  • had lunch with my friend Jen W at Mercatto
  • had a family dinner for my dad’s birthday
  • walked to Mercury Coffee for a delicious Americano

In short, I ate a lot.

And now my flight is about to board, so I better pack up my computer! See you on the flipside!

  1. in beer & onion rings form []


Another Summary – A.k.a. I am a delinquent blogger

Since clearly I’m way too busy to actually write all those blog postings I said I was going to write, here’s an even shorter summary of what I’ve been doing since my last summary:

  • Monday was a (mercifully) low key day, after all the crazy busy-ness of the first several days of my trip. I got to walk my niece to school – late, as she slept in, which she apparently *never* does. Clearly I am Bad Influence Aunt. We did, however, learn the sign in procedure for being late at her school. After that I came back to the house to hang out with Nancy, Jeff & my nephew. And also to work on my guest lecture for Dan’s class.
  • I made “chicken” pot pie1 for dinner and then we went to Ed’s Real Scoop for some freaking delicious ice cream.
    Ed's Real Scoop - Types of Cones
  • Then Nancy, Thomas and I headed off to Guelph. Since Dan’s class starts at 9 a.m., we figured it made more sense to head there the night before rather than try to fight morning traffic. Nancy and the baby stayed at her in-laws and I stayed at Dan’s. We may or may not have stayed up until 12:30 a.m. chatting and working. And he may or may not have introduced me to coconut milk ice cream.
  • Tuesday was a day spent in Guelph. Dan & I rocked his class, with my Prezi awesomeness and his stats-y genius. After that we went for lunch at the Grad Lounge2, then meandered around campus – where I haven’t been since I finished my Masters there in August 2000! Then suddenly it was suddenly the end of the day. We took a grand total of 0 photos, despite our best laid plans of taking planking and jump shots. We were clearly too exhausted from being awesome all day to arrange photo shoots.
  • Next it was off to my sister’s in laws for dinner. Dinner of amazing deliciousness – homemade spring rolls, baked potato, deviled eggs, a huge salad, and steak for the meat-consumers. Followed by banana splits! For those of you counting, that was my third ice cream in a 24 hour period!
  • Then it was back to Toronto in time to tuck my wee niece into bed!
  • And now I’m writing this blog posting! Go me!

Plans for the rest of my trip include:

  • Wednesday = Kalev Day
  • Thursday = morning with my mom, Aunt Eileen3, evening = a belated birthday dinner for my dad.
  • Friday = my last day in Toronto!
  1. Or, as my friend Jody has no dubbed it, “brave pot pie.” []
  2. Spicy tofu tacos and beer for me, pork tacos and beer for Dan. []
  3. Who are both retired and thus can meet for breakfast on a weekday morning! []


The Riot Act

Oh, but one more thing before I go to bed1. During the coverage of the post-game 7 Vancouver riot, the reporters mentioned that the police had read the Riot Act and, up until that moment, it had never occurred to me that the “Riot Act” was an actual thing. I mean, I’ve heard the expression “being read the riot act,” but I’d never thought much about it. Of course, this got me thinking, “What, exactly, does the Riot Act say?”

Naturally, I did a quick Wikipedia search and found out that it’s actually quite hilarious:

Her Majesty the Queen charges and commands all persons being assembled immediately to disperse and peaceably to depart to their habitations or to their lawful business on the pain of being guilty of an offence for which, on conviction, they may be sentenced to imprisonment for life. God Save the Queen.

Ok, you may all now disperse to your habitations. Nothing to see here.

  1. I was reminded that I wanted to blog about this because I noticed that I still had the Wikipedia article open in a tab in Chrome. And yes, I realize that I’m waaay late, as usual, talking about such things. Thank the FSM no one pays me to write this blog, because I’d totally be fired for always being the last person to report on everything! []


My Trip So Far – A Quick Summary

Hey, remember when I said that I was planning to do a much better job of blogging this trip than I did of blogging my last trip. Apparently, I was full of crap. So, let’s see if I can do a quick summary of all the awesome things I’ve been doing instead of blogging. Let’s begin at the beginning.

When I left Vancouver on Tuesday night, I was sad that I was going to miss being in the city for game 7 of the Stanley Cup. As it turned out, the thing I’m actually sad about (well, in addition to the Canucks not winning) is that a bunch of punks decided to act like complete assholes, burning up cars and looting stores and wrecking my city’s reputation to boot. On a more happy note, many of those jerks were stupid enough to commit their crimes on camera, so they are getting nailed for it, as they should. They don’t represent my city or my team. The real fans and the real Vancouverites are the ones who were out the next day cleaning up the mess left behind by the jerks.

Anyway. Bygones.

Wednesday, before the unpleasantness that was Game 7, Sarah and I had a lovely time at the National Art Gallery. The NAG will get its own blog posting, because this is just quick summary posting of my adventures so far, but suffice it to say that with Sarah’s assistance, I made it both into and out of the NAG without having to see the massive spider outside. It was not an easy feat, but I accomplished it.

Thursday I got up much later than I’d been hoping to, mostly due to having stayed up late watching coverage of the riot, but also because I’d only slept for about 3 hours on my red-eye flight from Vancouver on Tuesday night. Regardless, we still had enough time to enjoy the day. We got to tour the Royal Canadian Mint – which was my first choice for things that I wanted to check out that I hadn’t yet seen1. The Mint is totally getting its own blog posting as well, because it’s freaking cool and I learn many interesting things that I’m sure you are all dying to know. Suffice it to say that I picked up a gold bar that was worth more than half a million dollars2! On the way back to Sarah’s we stopped by 24 Sussex Drive for some photo opps.


While we were there, Prime Minister Harper got a Coca-Cola delivery:


You know who else gets Coke deliveries to their house? Totally normal people.

Thursday night Sarah made us some kick ass eggplant parmesan – her Nonna’s recipe – and we drank some lovely Stoneleigh wine. We also watched “Too Big To Fail,” which was rather mind-blowing. If you haven’t watched it, I suggest you do!


Sarah and Baby V

For Friday morning, we’d thought about fitting in one more tourist-y thing before we headed out to drop me off at my family reunion, but decided it would be a much better plan to just relax around Sarah’s place – definitely a good call on our part3. Then it was off to pick up Sarah’s Nonna in Kingston, with a quick stop at Canadian Tire so I could pick up a Father’s Day gift for my Dad, and then off to drop me off in Gananoque for my family reunion.

Worton Family Reunion 2011

The family reunion will require a blog posting of its own, but definitely the most exciting thing about it was that it was where I *finally* got to meet my nephew in person! He’s the cutest little baby boy I’ve ever met! Here’s a picture of me, my nephew, and my niece4 :

Day 362

Now I’m in Toronto at my sister’s place. It’s getting rather late, so I think I’ll hit the hay. Tomorrow, I have to finish up my guest lecture for Dr. Dan’s class, make something for my parents’ upcoming 40th anniversary (!) and make a “chicken” pot pie5, because I’ve been telling Nancy & Jeff how freaking delicious it is and now I have to prove it!

  1. There are sooo many cool things to see and do in Ottawa, what with it being the capital and all, so despite having been there a few times, there’s still so many things I have yet to see. On my last trip we did the Diefenbunker – have I mentioned how much I loved the freaking Diefenbunker? []
  2. But which is not, however, the most expensive thing I’ve ever touched! You’ll have to wait for my Mint blog posting to find out what is! []
  3. Plus, I know I’ll be back to visit again, so I’ll get around to visiting all the sites I want to visit eventually!! []
  4. Who just so happens to be the cutest little girl ever! []
  5. Note: Does not actually contain any pot []