Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


In Honour of Halloween, My Hockey Team Has a .666 Winning Percentage

Halloween hockey statsAstute mathletes will notice that a 2-5-0-1 record does not a .666 winning percentage make. This is because the winning percentage only counts the games that we’ve played in Division 3, to which we were recently demoted. We are 2-1 in Div 3, hence the .666.

Happy Halloween, y’all!



Shiny New Blue Ball

A while ago, I bought a Groupon for the Running Room – $50 worth of stuff for only $25. I figured it was a pretty good deal, given that I often buy stuff at the Running Room and I assumed that I’d run two half marathons this year and thus would, at the very least, need a new pair of running shoes. Of course, I decided to set a world record in hockey instead of running a second half marathon this year and thus, still don’t need a new pair of running shoes. But my Groupon was set to expire on October 30, so I found myself in the Running Room on Friday trying to decide what to spend my $50 on. As I mentioned, I don’t need any new running shoes, nor do I really need any new running clothes or other running paraphernalia. And then I saw the Acuball.

acuball Me and my new acuball.

I remembered a blog posting that Dan wrote a while ago about his shiny new blue balls. And I remembered that he loved said shiny new blue balls. And after a quick few texts messages with Dan, I decided that I needed to be the owner of my very own shiny blue ball.

By now I’m sure you are wondering what the heck this thing does. Well, the idea behind it is that you use the nubs on the blue ball to put pressure on tight muscles and, by holding that for a few minutes, the muscles will release. So I spent some time yesterday playing around with it and I have to say, it was totally worth the money. Especially since I was using my Groupon, so it was half price.

Also, since my Groupon was worth $50, but the acuball only cost $30, I bought an entire box of Sharkies! Mmmm, delicious Sharkies!


Who Is Up For Some Good Ole NaBloPoMo With Me?

BLOGI don’t know how the hell it’s almost the end of October (!), but it is. And since there is no point in crying over spilled pumpkin lattes, it’s time to look towards November. Of course, now that November is also Movemeber, it’s probably the crappiest month of the year, what with moustaches being the worst thing ever and all. But there is one thing that November is good for. Blogging. Because it’s National Blog Posting Month (or NaBloPoMo), where bloggers try to blog something every single day of the month. I managed this feat last November1 and I’m going to give it a go again this year. Who else is in?

Image Credit: Posted by Thomas Hawk on Flickr.

  1. Actually, not to brag or anything, but I’ve managed this in July, August, and Sept 2011 and am on my way to accomplishing it for October as well. Actually, wait. That was totally bragging. []


Mmmm, beer.

It was recently brought to my attention that this is back in stores:

Granville Island Lions Winter Ale. Mmm, beer.

Granville Island Lions Winter Ale is one of my favourite beers! You can only buy it in the fall and winter, so its arrival in stores is sort of bittersweet, because, while I love its deliciousness, it is a harbinger of cold weather. And I’m not a fan of the cold weather. Happily, though, I can drown my sorrows at the frightful weather with delicious Winter Ale.

Another one of my favourite beers is this:

Phillips Service 1904. Mmmm, beer.

It’s Phillips Service 1904 Scottish Stone Fired Ale, a beer of such epic deliciousness that after taking my first sip of it on my recent trip to Victoria, I said to Dan, “Oh my god, I want to marry this beer!”1. According to the description in the menu at the pub where I first drank this deliciousness, they drop hot stones into the beer while they are brewing it, which results in caramelization and thus adds some extra awesomeness. Also, I believe it contains ground up angels – it tastes *that* good!

The strange thing about all of this is that, until recently, I didn’t really like beer all that much. I mean, I didn’t hate beer, but it wasn’t my drink of choice and I’d usually only drink it if it was a lot cheaper than the other available drinks2. And even then I wouldn’t drink a tonne of it. But earlier this year, out of nowhere, I really developed a taste for beer. It happened around the time of the NHL playoffs and I’m guessing that the copious beer drinking associated with the Canucks extended playoff run might have had something to do with it. Between this and my recent unvegetarianisming 3, I think I might have experienced an invasion of the taste bud snatchers!

  1. I mentioned in the footnote of my trip to Victoria posting that I’d never had any Phillips beers before and my coworker told me they sold it at the Liquor Store. So when I was in the Liquor Store today buying my Winter Ale, I looked for some Phillips and realized that I have, in fact, drank Phillips many times before – I just didn’t know it was Phillips! I guy I used to date often had Phillips Big Buck, Slipstream, and Phoenix Gold at his place and I quite liked the Phoenix!  Sadly, Service 1904 isn’t available at the Liquor Store. You can only get it on tap at three pubs in Victoria! Clearly, I need to spend more time in Victoria! []
  2. Like, say, if I were out in a group and everyone was sharing a pitcher. Or if I was at a kegger. []
  3. Similarly, I’ve suddenly developed a taste for Earl Grey tea. I used to find that it smelled like floor polish and thought it was atrocious. But recently I’ve really liked it. Weird! []


Skull Cupcakes

My office’s annual Halloween potluck was yesterday and, as has become my custom, I decided to make a dessert. Specifically, I decided to make skull cupcakes. And while they weren’t as impressive as the eyeballs I made last year, they turned out better than the short fat ghosts I made the year before that.

The skull cupcakes, the recipe for which I found on the interwebs, were pretty easy to make – standard cupcakes, buttercream icing, Junior mints for eyes, a chocolate chip nose, and slivered almonds for teeth:

Skull cupcake

The trick to making the chin is to tuck a half a marshmallow into the cupcake liner.

Skull cupcake prep

When I did this, however, the liner kind of hung loose, so I used a bit of icing to glue the cupcake liner to the marshmallow and it was good to go.

In related news, the wax paper people weren’t kidding when they put this warning on the package:

Not to be trusted with wax paper



MILLENNIUM 2000This is my 2000th blog posting!

In celebration, I thought I’d share some blog stats. Because stats are the best way to celebrate things, right?

  • # blog postings: 2,000
  • # of days this blog has existed: 2,301
  • average # of blog postings per day: 0.86
  • # of blog comments: 6,518
  • average # comments per blog posting: 3.3
  • average # of blog hits per day1: 135
Here’s to 2000 more postings about spider conspiracies, shenanigans, hockey hotties, and radicalized geese!

Image Credit: Medallion osted by Leo Reynolds on Flickr.

  1. This is only since January 2009, when I moved to my current URL []


In-Depth Analysis of The Latest Canucks Trade

I got a text message from my friend JB yesterday. All it said was:

“Beth Snow + David Booth = babies?”

David Booth, I thought? Who the hell is David Booth?  Turns out that I’ve been a negligent Canucks fan and had missed the news that we’d traded away Samuelsson and Strum for Booth and Reinprecht from the Florida Panthers.

This is David Booth:

Hello, hottie!

My friends know me too well!

The rest of the people in this deal are uggoes, so by my calculations we unloaded two not-hotties and picked up one hottie and one not-hottie. Thus, I approve of this trade!


I Find This Do Not Disturb Sign Disturbing

This was the Do Not Disturb door hanger at the hotel we stayed in for Linda & Casey’s wedding on the weekend:

Do Not Disturb - This Woman And Her Apple Are Having a Special Moment

Please do not disturb. This woman and her apple are having a special moment.

Strangely, the “please service this room” side of the door hanger had the exact same picture.

Please Service This Apple

Please service this room. Much like this woman is about to service this apple.


Go Get Yourself A Copy of The Lastest Issue Reader’s Digest

Not too long ago, Airdrie mentioned that excerpts from Derek‘s blog were going to be published in the November 2011 issue of Reader’s Digest. So I went out and got myself a copy.

Reader's Digest with excerpts from Derek's Blog

Reader's Digest with excerpts from Derek's Blog

I think it’s really awesome that Derek’s powerful writing is being recognized and that an even wider audience is being exposed to his work.


Congratulations Linda & Casey!

You may remember my friend Linda from such epicness as Team Cupcakepublishing in Science, and several 12 Bars of Christmas. Well, you can add one more epic event to the list, because yesterday at a theatre in Port Moody, Linda got hitched to Casey.

The ceremony was very awesome and very Linda & Casey. And I love when weddings have little touches added that reflect the personality of the people being married!  In this case, the officiant was an adorable older gentleman who cracked jokes the whole time1 and the bridesmaids came down the aisle to “Girls Just Want To Have Fun.” Everyone looked fantastic and so very, very happy!

Dinner was delicious, the table that I was at had to be the funnest table of people EVER, the bartenders were quite generous with the spiced rum that Kalev & I were drinking, and there was some good music for dancing. What more could you ask for in a wedding, right?

As per usual, my camera sucks so I didn’t get very many good photos, but here’s some of what I did get.

Linda’s brother-in-law Ryan was the MC. Or, as we started calling him, Elverine, as he is clearly the secret love child of Elvis and Wolverine:

M.C. Ryan (a.k.a. Elverine)

Kalev is officially the best date I’ve ever taken to a wedding:

Kalev & Beth

Kalev & I in the Photobooth:

Beth & Kalev at the Photobooth at Linda & Casey's Wedding

Amica and I could not get a decent photo of the two of us, no matter how many we took. And trust me, we took a lot:

Beth & Amica (why do we look terrible in every photo?)

Matt, me & Georgie:

Matt, Beth, & Georgie

Ken, me & Christine. Ken was a.k.a. as “Wall Street” due to his suspenders. He was also, I was told, the most asked about bachelor at the wedding:

Ken (a.k.a. Wall Street), Beth & Christine

Linda & Casey’s First Dance:

Linda & Casey's first dance

Linda & Casey's first dance

I wish I’d gotten better pictures of Linda’s dress, because it was absolutely gorgeous! I guess I’ll just have to steal some good ones off Facebook when people start putting them up there.

So, Happy Wedding, Linda & Casey! And many, many happy years together!


  1. And anyone who knows Linda & Casey will tell you that they are hilarious, so to me this was very fitting []