Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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Hello, It’s Me, I’ve Avoided You Forever While Consuming Calories

Whenever I visit my family, I get introduced to awesome new movies and videos1. Yesterday, my niece introduced me to this excellent parody of Adele’s Hello, which we have been walking around the house singing all day:

Given that I’m currently on a break from running (until the new year), the line “And the ice cream truck is the only reason I run anymore” really made me laugh!

P.S. I will post about Christmas Baking tomorrow – I have to upload all the photos and don’t have time right now as we are about to go out to watch a movie about combat among luminous spheres of plasma held together by their own gravity.

  1. See: Cats & Boots, Dumb Ways to Die, and Turbo, as just a few examples. []

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A review of that movie that everyone is talking about

    Krampus poster.jpg“Krampus poster” by Source. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia.

Last night, Kalev and I went to see the documentary about the blicans and her family are Repu experience of German ex-pats living in America – Krampus.

Warning: SPOILERS

I give this movie a decidedly mixed review. There was some very well done sections of the movie, but then other parts were kind of lame. And they couldn’t decide if they wanted to do a happy ending or a dark ending, so they tried to do both and succeeded at neither.

The storyline is basically that a little kid is disillusioned with Christmas because his aunt and her family are Republicans. So he rips up his sweet letter to Santa, which causes Krampus – the evil shadow of St. Nicholas – to murder everyone in his subdivision. (A real case of the punishment not fitting the crime). The movie was actually pretty good as long as you were only getting glimpses of Krampus and his evil minions, but once they started to actually show you the bad guys – creepy jack-in-the-boxes, Christmas tree angels, teddy bears, and such, it was just lame. Somewhat surprisingly, the only bad guy characters that didn’t come across as lame were the manical little gingerbread men, which seems like should be the cheesiest of all, but ithey weren’t.

Another part that was annoying was that the German grandmother, Omi, who only spoke German through most of the movie, reveals she speaks perfect English when the time comes that she needs to tell the back story of how Krampus took all of her family and threw them into the pits of hell when she was a child because she lost the Christmas spirit and wished that all her family would go away – leaving only her behind knowing that it was all her fault. So not only does Krampus dole out punishments far exceeding the severity of the infraction, but he also holds a grudge for a really long time, coming after her grandson. (Also, maybe Omi could have told her grandson that ripping up letters to Santa would unleash the hounds of hell upon everyone in a 10 mile radius?) After telling the story, Omi goes back to only speaking German again for the rest of the movie, even though only her son and grandson can understand her and everyone knows she speaks perfect English. It basically just felt like the filmmakers didn’t want to bother subtitling that 5 minute segment.

As I mentioned, the ending wasn’t fantastic either. There was a point at which everyone but the little boy was captured and presumed dead and Krampus gives him a Christmas tree ornament that says “Krampus”, just like the one he gave Omi when she was a little girl and her entire family had been slaughtered. If they had just faded to black there, I’d have been happy. But instead, the boy picks up the ornament and chased down Krampus, who is about to throw the boy’s cousin into the firey depths of the underworld when the boy makes an impassioned plea, says he takes back his bad wish, and starts crying. And then Krampus wipes his tear with a big claw, laughs at him  and throws the cousin into hell. And then throws the boy into hell too. And then he wakes up and everyone is alive and already down by the Christmas tree waiting for him to wake up. And, inexplicably, everyone is no longer being a bunch of assholes to each other and though the Republicans are still being their unclassy selves, they aren’t mean like they were and the little boy is happy and I’m thinking “omg, did they really just do the “it was all a dream” ending, which is the most pathetic excuse for an ending for any story ever?” But then he opens a present and it’s the ornament that says “Krampus” and then you hear a bunch of flashbacks from earlier in the movie where everyone is kind of a jerk and everyone gets a funny look on their face and that’s the end of the movie. So now I take back my claim that “it was all a dream” is the lamest ending a story can have…. Because “It was all a dream…. Or was it???” Is the lamest needing in the history of endings.

Anyhoo, I’m realizing that I’m bitching a lot about his movie hear, but I actually enjoyed more of it than I disliked. I’d say it was probably enjoyable for 65-70% of the time, and especially considering that Kalev had free tickets AND a free popcorn AND two free drinks and I was able to get vanilla Diet Coke, I was overall happy with the movie watching experience.

Tonight I’m going to see another movie – something about an interstellar armed conflict. I haven’t really heard much about it – hopefully it’s good!

 

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A movie that helps distract me

Today’s blogging prompt is: “Your best friend just broke up with her partner. What movie do you bring over to get her through that first night?”

But I’ve decided to adapt this one a bit, because if my best friend just broke up with her partner, I don’t think I’d bring a movie over. I’d probably go and talk to her. But this prompt does make me think about a movie that helped me get through my divorce, when I was really sad and needed some distraction, so I watched this movie over and over again:

Usually, I can find stupid humour funny one time, but it doesn’t stand the test of time. Not so with Zoolander. I’ve seen that movie dozens and dozens of time, and it’s still hilarious every time I watch it.

I really, really hope the sequel is good.

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For Your Television Viewing Pleasure

Hey, remember that time I played hockey for 10 days straight and there was a documentary made about it?

WEB-LaceBitePosterKnowledge

Well, if you missed it at the NINE different film festivals it’s been to and you haven’t bought a copy yet, you can catch it in the comfort of your own home on the Knowledge Network this week! It will be on at:

  • Tuesday January 7, 7:00pm
  • Tuesday January 7, 11:00pm
  • Wednesday January 8, 2:00am
  • Wednesday January 8, 6:00pm

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Adorable Things My Nephew Says

Two-and-a-half year olds are hilarious. That’s how old my nephew is and he is a ball of energy and says the most hilarious things1.

There are some things that he says a lot, such as “Be careful”, “I’ll be careful”, “What happened?”, and “Can I eat it?” He’ll tell you to be careful if you are doing anything remotely dangerous, like walking up the stairs, walking down the stairs, or just walking. “Be careful, Grandma!” “Be careful, Aunt Beth!” He is always looking out for your welfare. Today when I went out for a run, he sent me off with an enthusiastic “Good luck!!”

He often asks, “What happened?”, as he always wants to know what’s going on. If someone tells a joke and everyone laughs, he looks at you very earnestly and asks, “What happened?”

“I’ll be careful” is his refrain when he’s told he shouldn’t be touching something. To a sentence like “Thomas, the Christmas tree ornaments are for looking, not touching.” he’ll reply, “I’ll be careful!” To a sentence like, “Thomas, that is your sister’s Monster High doll, not yours”, he’ll reply, “I’ll be careful!” I’m sure if there were a flame thrower or a chain saw in the house, he’d just tell you “I’ll be careful!”

The kid loves to eat, so “Can I eat it?” (or, alternatively, “Can I bite it?” or “Can we eat it?”) is another thing that he says a lot, even if the “it” in question is in no way edible. I mean, he definitely asks it about chocolate, chips, candy, the lunch you just made for the express purpose of him eating it, but he’ll also ask it about every single present you open, not matter what it is. When I asked Thomas if we should watch the movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, he replied excitedly, “Can we eat it?”

Speaking of movies, he has his favourites. He likes Turbo: “We can watch the snail movie?”2 – and Monsters University: “Baby Eyeball Monster movie!” In the past couple of days he has been very interested in watching the Nightmare Before Christmas, which he’ll ask for by saying: “How about Halloween?” Yesterday, since it was Christmas Eve, we wanted to watch Arthur Christmas, but he said, “How about Halloween?” When my sister said, “How about Arthur Christmas?”, he replied: “How about Halloween THEN Christmas?”3.

He’s also said some good Christmas-related things. He’ll tell you, “I like Santa. He’s my friend” and when the power went out briefly due to the ice storm and he saw the Christmas tree lights go off, he said, “I can fix it!”

But the best saying so far on this trip has been Thomas’ thoughts on the Christmas turkey: “It’s like a monster chicken. I’m going to eat that monster chicken.”

  1. Of course, these things are more hilarious when you here them in his adorable little two-and-a-half year old voice! []
  2. He will also turn to you and whisper, “White. Shadow.”, which is very confusing if you haven’t seen Turbo, but very hilarious if you have. []
  3. For the record, we watched Arthur Christmas. []

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Dumb Ways To Die

This song is totally stuck in my head, which may or may not be due to my nephew wanting to view this video over and over and over again:

And playing the video game.

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Turbo – Movie Review

Beware: There will be spoilers!

One of the things I’ve been doing while on vacation at my sister’s place is catching up on movies that I haven’t watched because I’ve been dedicating all my time to school in the last two years1. One such movie was Turbo, about a snail who loves car racing and dreams of being the fastest snail. And I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but through an accident with some nitrous oxide, he becomes fast enough to race in the Indy 500! What are the odds of that happening to a snail who loves car racing? I’m pretty sure there were no snails harmed in the making of this movie.

It didn’t do that well at the box office, but I thought it was adorable! My favourite line was when Turbo’s older brother, who is always worried that Turbo will get hurt, asks him, “What would you do if tomorrow you woke up and your powers were gone?” and then Turbo replies, “Well, I better make the most of today.” Words to live by, little snail. Words to live by.

  1. My nephew’s most frequent requests are “the baby eyeball monster movie” (i.e., Monsters University) and “the snail movie” (i.e., Turbo). Today I asked him, “Hey Thomas, can we watch “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs”? and he replied, “Can we eat it?” []

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WTF is going on in the apartment across the street from me?

This happens in the apartment across the road from me every night:

The lights flash on and off over and over and over again for several minutes. Then the flashing slows down and stops and the lights stay on after that. Sometimes you can see someone walking around in there when this happens and sometimes not.

Does anyone have *any clue* wtf is going on over there? We can’t for the life of us think of any reasonable explanation.

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If You Only See One Documentary in 2012, Make it Lace Bite!

November 17, 2012 is the date of the Vancouver premiere of Lace Bite, the documentary based on the world recording breaking 10-day hockey game that I played in last year.

Sadly for me, I can’t actually go to it as I have class that day 🙁

But if you are interested, you can buy tickets here.

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Watch It!

The official movie trailer for Lace Bite, the documentary about the Longest Game of Hockey for Cystic Fibrosis:

The movie is also now listed on IMDB and is an official selection at the St. John’s International Women’s Film Festival!