Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


Random Tidbits

So I’ve got a whole bunch of random tidbits floating around in my brain that are too small to write actual blog postings about, yet are being insistent that they want to blogged1. So, in an effort to appease said tidbits, I give you this bulleted lists of random thoughts, ideas, and mini-stories:

  • So I was out at the (new) Tiki Bar on Friday with Cath, her husband, and some friends of theirs. For the uninitiated (which included myself until I went there on Friday), the Tiki Bar on Main is a place that makes fantastic rum-based drinks that all seem to have, at minimum, eleventy billion ounces of alcohol in them. After hanging out there for a while, we decided that food was in order, so we headed out to get some (as the Tiki Bar’s food is nothing to write home about). As we were leaving, one of the group asked Cath to carry something in her purse. To which she exclaimed, “I can’t put that in my bag – it’s full of science!” In her own defence the next morning, she explained:

Couldn't word good

  • My frogs are doing, if you’ll pardon the pun, just swimmingly. Tyrion remains the tiniest of the four, as he likes to take his time finding the bloodworms at feeding time2. In contrast, Timbit is huge because he’s very good at eating as many of the bloodworms as is froggingly3 possible. (I feed the frogs a block of bloodworms every other day, which I dump in the tank and then I have no control over the relative proportions that each frog eats. It’s every frog for himself at feeding time.) So Timbit really is earning his name, as by the end of feeding time, he’s as round as a little Timbit!
  • After searching through the NHL players list, and with help from my Aunt Lynn and my friend Cath, I compiled the following players with dirty sounding name for Team Hockey P0rn:
    • Jiří Tlustý
    • Patrick Kane
    • Evander Kane
    • David Legwand
    • Alex Burrows – but he’s hurt, so I’m replacing him with Michael Ryder4
    • Alex Semin
    • Grant Clitsome
    • Victor Hedman
    • Kevin Shattenkirk
    • Dennis Wideman
    • Josh Harding
    • Jon Quick
  • So far, most of my points are from the double Kane5, but Quick has also helped out.
  • As I get closer to the end of my MBA program, I’m starting to experience a bunch of “lasts”. A week ago, I had my last full weekend of classes AND my last class at UBC’s Robson Square campus. The part-time program that I’m in is made up of full weekends of courses that occur roughly every third weekend and are held at UBC Robson Square. But I only have one more class from the part-time program (Change Management) and it’s (a) broken up over two different weekends and (b) being held at the Point Grey campus, so the course I took from the EMBA program last weekend was the last class I’ll have at Robson Square and the last one that takes up a full weekend. Oh yeah, and it’s the last EMBA class that I’m taking. Of course, the Change Management course that I just mentioned, coming up in late Oct/early Nov will be my last class from the part-time MBA program.  For 6 weeks starting Oct 21, I’m taking two full-time MBA courses (one on Monday nights and one on Wednesday nights) – these will be my first and last full-time MBA classes. And after that all I will have left is to wrap up my industry project (which I hope to have done in December, though it’s technically due Jan 15) and my online business ethics course, the latter of which will provide my last exam! And then I’ll be done all the things and will be ready for (what I’m hoping is) my last university graduation in the spring!
  • And speaking of graduation, we got a notification that it’s time to book grad photos, so I finally got around to asking UBC about something that I’d heard rumour of, but wasn’t sure was true. The item in question is what robe I am to wear at my MBA graduation – I will be receiving a Master’s degree, but I already hold a doctoral degree and was told that one is supposed to wear the robes of the highest degree they have, not the robe of the degree they are getting. I checked UBC’s website but couldn’t find any info, so I emailed them and received official confirmation that I should, in fact, wear the PhD robes. Long live the pink robe and puffy hat!


  1. Some have already been tweeted, but apparently this was not sufficient to get it out of my brain. See also: a bunch of stuff that I want to write up for publication but just haven’t been able to find the time! []
  2. Or possibly he’s just not that bright and swims to every part of the tank *except* where the bloodworms are. []
  3. “Froggingly” is the frog equivalent of the word “humanly”, right? Because I first tried “frogly” but that didn’t seem right. And spell check says neither of them are words, so it’s no help at all. []
  4. I missed the deadline to change it for this week, so I’m screwed on that front as I’ve wasted a roster spot on someone who won’t even be playing! []
  5. So I’m sacrificing in comedy by having two Kanes instead of just one Kane and another dirty name, but it’s hard to give up the points when I’m getting so few! []


Team Hockey P0rn – Your Suggestions Needed!

Last year, I never really got into the NHL hockey season. With the lockout being so long, by the time the season started, I’d moved on with my life and just couldn’t figure out how to fit hockey watching in. But the thing is, I really *like* watching hockey. And when you add to that the fact that the light at the end of the MBA tunnel is fast approaching, I really will need something to do to fill all the free time I’m going to have come the end of December! All that to say, I’m very excited that the new season starts this week.

And with the new season starting this week, so too does the annual VWXYPool! Hockey pool! The pool is open to regular readers of my friend Cath’s blog, VWXYNot?, which means it’s full of nerdy scientists who love to watch hockey and trash talk one another. So it’s loads of fun!

Now, as you know, I like to have a theme for how I pick the players for my hockey team. In 2011-12, I took the term “fantasy hockey pool” literally and formed Team Hottie, for which I could only chose attractive players. And I did terribly in the pool. So then in 2012-13, I decided to go the opposite way and formed Team Uggoe, for which I could only choose the hideously ugly. And I again did terrible in the pool. So I’m starting to think that choosing hockey players based on appearance may not be the best way to form a hockey pool team. I think it’s time for a new strategy.

And my new strategy is thus: I’m taking a suggestion that Cath made last year in a comment on my Team Uggoe posting – I’m forming Team Hockey P0rn, which means I can only put someone on my team if they have a name that sounds in some way dirty. The obvious members of the team, as Cath pointed out in that comment, are:

  • Grant Clitsome
  • David Legwand
  • Alex Burrows

A quick look at the list of available players has given me the following additions:

  • Victor Hedman
  • Jonathan Quick
  • Patrick Kane
  • Evander Kane
  • and someone I’ve never heard of before, but who is perfect for this team: Jiří Tlustý

This is a good start, but clearly I need more players. So I thought I’d ask you, gentle reader: do you know of any NHL players with dirty sounding names?


Hockey Pool, Week 9

So it’s my week to do the update on the hockey pool that I’m in. I really wished that I’d volunteered to do the Week 7 update, where I reigned supreme! Instead, I’m doing the update on this past week, so I get to report on how sucktastic I am. But since it’s not all about me, let’s look at the graphs, shall we?

Hockey Pool - Week 9Figure 1: Week 9 points

As seen in Figure 1,  Cath and Bob did some butt kicking this week, followed closely by dreamsandhope, Lava, and Modscientist, and then Gerty. Me, Richardipus, and Scientist Mother did significantly worse than the others, with the notable exception of arkmennis, who is sadly, sadly at the end of the graph there.

Hockey Pool - Week 9 - Line graph

Figure 2: Change in point totals from week 8 to week 9.

Looking at the overall standings, Dreamsandhope, Richardipus, and Lava are in a three-way1 tie for first overall (287 points), followed closely by Modscientist (285 points). Cath is in fifth place (281 points), followed by Gerty & ScientistMother (272 points each), and then Bob (268 points). As you can see from the graph, arkmennis (248 points) and I (254 points) are breaking away from the pack in a race for the bottom. He and I are clearly able to get by on much fewer points than everyone else, so I think it’s pretty obvious that we are just much more efficient that our competitors.

It appears that my strategy of forgetting to update my team each week is not doing me much good2 – so I actually tweaked my lineup for week 10. Here’s hoping!

  1. Three-way. Tee hee. []
  2. With the exception of week 7 where I changed nothing and won the week, but I was in Montreal at the time, and Montreal is a hockey mecca, so I think that’s why the hockey gods smiled upon me. []


My Week 1 Hotties

Since the NHL regular season starts tonight (huzzah!), I had to pick my players for Cath’s fantasy hockey pool last night. The pool is a little different than the one I was in last year, where there was a draft and then that was your team for the whole year. In the pool I’m in now, the rules are a little more complicated.

The Rules

  • We are required to pick: 6 forwards, 4 defencemen, 2 goalies
  • You pick 3 “star” players (1 of your forwards, 1 of your defencemen, and 1 of your goalies). For those three players, you get double points for all the points they score for you (based on goals/assists for forwards and D-men, and wins/shutouts for goalies).
  • Each player is assigned a point value (1-4) based on how good they are predicted to be and the “salary cap” for your team is 30 points.
  • You can change your picks every week.
All this means that I not only have to pick a bunch of hotties, but I have to pay attention to such things as which teams is playing which other team in any given week, which hotties are on hot streaks and which ones are not. On the plus side, this is a reason to think about my hotties more often than usual!

Anyhoo, I decided that I should probably make a list of hotties from which to draw. I started by going through the leading scorers from last season, picking out the hotties, which gave me the following list to start from (format: name – team – position – # points last year):

  • Martin St. Louis – Tampa Bay – right wing – 99 points
  • Jarome Iginla – Calgary – right wing – 86 points
  • Brad Richards – Dallas – centre – 77 points
  • Jonathan Toews – Chicago – centre – 76 points
  • Ryan Kesler ((I don’t actually find Kesler’s face all that attractive, but those abs alone make him a hottie!  In fact, I wanted to just pick “Ryan Kesler’s abs,” but that doesn’t seem to be an option.)) – Vancouver – centre – 73 points
  • Patrick Kane – Chicago – centre – 73 points
  • Ryane Clowe – San Jose -left wing – 62 points
  • Mikko Koivu – Minnesota – centre – 62 points
  • Dustin Brown – LA – right wing – 57  points
  • Devin Setoguchi – Minnesota – right wing – 41 points1
This didn’t give me very many defenceman, so I had to go further down the list to get some of them:
  • Kris Letang – Pittsburgh – defence – 50 points
  • Shea Weber2 – Nashville – defence – 48 points
  • Brent Seabrook – Chicago – defence – 48 points
  • Alex Pietrangelo – St. Louis – defence – 43 points

From this list, I went onto the hockey pool website and made some choices. I had to do some juggling because of the stupid salary cap, but this is what I ultimately ended up with for this week:

Week 1 Hockey Hotties Picks

And now in photographic form:


Martin St. Louis

Brad Richards

Brad Richards

Dustin Brown by nicholeglaze

Dustin Brown

Jonathan Toews by dtkindler

Jonathan Toews

Alex Burrows


Benoit Pouliot

080228 Kris Letang by Dan4th

Kris Letang

Shea Weber

Brent Seabrook

Victor Hedman

20100206 Pekka unmasked

Pekka Rinne


Carey Price

  1. he’s not at the top, but I had to include him as a possibility ‘cuz he’s so damn cute! []
  2. Only hot sans beard. []


Hockey Hotties 2011/12- Your Suggestions Needed!

Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. Time to pick hotties for my fantasy hockey team! This year I’m joining Cath’s Hockey Pool where, apparently, I have to pick a fresh batch of hotties every week. Which I’ve only just realized is a lot more work than just picking a pile of hotties and then ignoring my team for the rest of the season, as I usually do in hockey pools. It also means that I need to select a large roster of hotties from which to choose each week, based on which teams are playing who, and which hotties are injured or on a hot streak (in the hockey-playing sense) in any given week.

As in the past, I’m going to start with my previous lists of hockey hotties (see herehereherehere, here and here), but will do my due diligence to look up their most recent stats as well as search for other potential hotties. And this, my friends, is where you come in. Please provide your suggestions for potential hotties in the comments section. I do, of course, reserve the right to be the arbiter of hotness for my team, but all suggestions are welcome and I will judge them accordingly.

In the meantime, let’s all ogle Scottie Upshall:


Hockey Pool – All Hotties, All The Time

A little while ago, Darren announced on Twitter that he’d be running a hockey pool to which, naturally, I immediately responded “count me in!” As you know, I have a knack for in-depth analysis of hockey players and what better way to put said skills to use than to join a hockey pool, right?  The pool is a straight up points pool – you draft 12 players (and thus only one person in the pool can have each player) with draft order picked by random number draw, and you get a point for every point your players score, no minimum/maximum number of defenceman/forwards, and no goalies (you know, given that they typically don’t score points and all). My philosophy in hockey pools – as in life – is to pick the hot ones.  The draft was held on Saturday and I was lucky enough to draw draft position #2 and since Darren took the exceedingly unattractive Ovechkin first overall, I was able to get my #1 pick, the exceedingly adorable Sidney Crosby! After my round #2 pick of super hottie Jonathan Toews, a comment may have been made that “Beth likes ’em young” – a point which, of course, I did not argue. Now, given that this was a draft, there were quite a few hotties that I did not manage to snag for my team, like, for example, the delicious Zach Parise, my hometown hottie Alexandre Burrows, and the little cutie Pat Kane1. But I was able to successfully draft a team of a dozen fine looking young men:

  1. Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh)
  2. Sidney Crosby

  3. Jonathan Toews (Chicago)
  4. Jonathan Toews

  5. Mike Green (Washington)
  6. Mike Green

  7. Jason Pominville (Buffalo)
  8. Jason Pominville

  9. Mikko Koivu (Minnesota)
  10. Mikko Koivu

  11. Dustin Brown (LA)
  12. Dustin Brown

  13. Shea Weber (Nashville)
  14. Shea Weber

  15. Mike Knuble (Washington)
  16. Mike Knuble

  17. Ryan Clowe (San Jose)
  18. Ryan Clowe

  19. Devin Setoguchi (San Jose)
  20. Devin Setoguchi

  21. Scottie Upshall (Phoenix)
  22. Scottie Upshall

  23. Brenden Morrow (Dallas)

Brenden Morrow

So those are my boys for the season. Do me proud, my hotties, do me proud!

  1. without the playoff mullet, Pat is a hottie []


The Hockey Hotties Report: The They-Won-Me-$250 Edition

So, would you believe that I won the hockey pool I’m in for December?

It’s a free hockey pool for anyone who plays in the league I’m in.  You pick a bunch of NHL players and then you get points every time they get points.  And can you guess how I picked my players?

That’s right – I went with the hotties.  Well, hotties with an exception – I took the Sedins1.  But other than them – all hotties.  I’d love to be able to tell you *which* hotties, but I can’t remember my username and password for the hockey pool website2. I know I have a card around here with it on it, but for the life of me I can’t find it 3.  At any rate, the league called me up and said, “hey, you won the pool for December. Come and get your $250 of gift certificates for the pub at the arena and we want to take your picture for the website!”

$250!!  For like 5 minutes work – which is how long I spent picking my hotties.  Not bad, if I do say so myself!

  1. I guess that’s technically two exceptions []
  2. Really shows you how much I’ve been paying attention to this pool, eh? []
  3. if/when I find it, I’ll let you know []


Hockey Hotties – Playoff Check-In

While I’m still not over my beloved Canucks being knocked out of the playoffs by the evil that is the Chicago Blackhawks, I figured the end of round 2  would be a good place to check in on how the hotties are doing.

Name Team Goals Assists Notes
Mattias Ohlund Vancouver 1 2 top scorers on Vancouver were the Sedin twins. Who happen to be very, very fugly.
Zach Parise New Jersey 3 3 top scorer on his team
Sidney Crosby Pittsburgh 12 9 top scorer in the playoffs so far! Hot on and off the ice!
Kris Letang Pittsburgh 3 6 tied for fourth in points on his team
Jarome Iginla Calgary 3 1 tied for second in points on his team.  Getting knocked out in the first round, though, really hampers one’s ability to score points.
Joffrey Lupul Philly 1 1 Hmm. Not so impressive. He’s lucky he’s cute.
Marcus Naslund NY Rangers 1 2 tied for third on his team in points. His team didn’t score many points.
Mike Komisarek Montreal 0 0 Ouch.
Georges Laraque Montreal 0 0 Double ouch.  Montreal hotties – you let me down!!
Jonathan Toews Chicago 4 6 third on his team in points.
Patrick Kane Chicago 8 4 second on his team in points

So my team collectively has 36 goals and 34 assists for a total of 70 points. And my goalie, Martin Biron of Philly, made 198 saves with 16 goals against, had a .919 save percentage with 2 wins and 4 losses.  How does this compare to other fantasy hockey teams.  I have no idea.  Anyone out there in a hockey pool where you had to pick 11 players and a goalie?  If so, let us know whether 70 is a goodly number of points or if it sucks.

Now, for the next round of the playoffs, I only have four players left!

  • Sidney Crosby – Centre  – Pittsburgh
  • Kris Letang – Defense – Pittsburgh
  • Jonathan Toews  – Centre – Chicago
  • Patrick Kane – RW – Chicago

Two on Pittsburgh, two on Chicago.  Which is, conveniently, one team from the East and one team from the West.  And I have no hotties from the other remaining teams (Detroit and Carolina).  So that makes my prediction for the Stanley Cup Finals easy – Penguins v. Blackhawks. You heard it here first.

Of course, I have mixed emotions about all this.  I mean, Kane and Toews1 are pretty damn hot. But since they beat my beloved Canucks, they clearly are evil incarnate.  I think I will ease my discomfort around these issues by looking at these pretty pictures of my hotties:

Sidney Crosby by jmd41280.


080228 Kris Letang by Dan4th.


Jonathan Toews by dtkindler.


toews by neekinator.

And more Jonathan.

The Kids - Toews and Kane by dtkindler.

Jon and Pat.

Ah, pictures of hotties. It doesn’t bring my Canucks back to life this post-season, but it’s a nice distraction all the same.

1Pronounced “Taves,” for some reason. That’s something I noticed in the Canucks-Blackhawks series – everyone on Chicago has either a name that is spelled some really fucking weird way, like “Toews” pronounced as “Taves” or “Byfuglien” pronounced as “Buff-a-lin”2 or freaking “Hjalmarsson”… or there name is a very simple, common word: Sharp, Kane, Ladd, Eager!
2Seriously, man, how the hell do you get “Buff-a-lin” out of Byfuglien??

Image credit: Pic of Sid the Kid, posted by jmd41280 on Flickr
Image credit: Pic of Kris Letang, posted by Dan4th on Flickr
Image credit: First pic of Toews dtkindler on Flickr
Image credit: Second pic of Toews neekinator on Flickr
Image credit: Pic of Toews and Kane dtkindler on Flickr


The Hockey Hotties Report

Listening to last night’s 4-2 Canuck victory over the Habs, I found myself wondering how my hockey hotties have been doing this season. This may be because Gorges seemed to have the puck *a lot*. But also because Carey Price got to play a bit.  At any rate, I thought I’d update y’all on how well my hotties have been playing this season.

Rick DiPietro, NY Islanders
-came back from a knee injury, then missed 3 games with a strained groin and now out for the season with swelling in his knee

-played 4 games: 1 W, 3 L

-but he’s still hot

Mikko Koivu, Minnesota Wild
Taylor Pyatt, Vancouver Canucks
Zach Parise, NJ Devils

Zach Parise by jenkang75

Scottie Upshall, Philadelphia Flyers

Scottie Upshall by neat1325

Brendan Morrison, Anaheim Ducks


Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins

Mattias Ohlund, Vancouver Canucks


Mike Comrie, NY Islander


Benoit Pouliot, Minnesota Wild



Vincent Lecavalier, Tampa Bay Lightning

2787753030077758815 by kaatiya

Mark Bell, Toronto Maple Leaf


-hmm.. he appears to have been sent down to the minors way back in October. Ouch.

Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames

Jarome Iginla by Dinur

Paul Gaustad, Buffalo Sabres

Goose in Black and White by valorfaerie

Martin St. Louis, Tampa Bay Lightning


Martin Biron, Philadelphia Flyers

Martin Biron by valorfaerie

-he’s a goalie; they don’t score goals, silly
-but he does have 17 W, 11 L and 5 OT, and a 2.87 GAA
Joffrey Lupul, Philadelphia Flyer

sJoffrey Lupul by neat1325

Derek Roy, Buffalo Sabres

MMM, Derek Roy;) by Alygirl20

Brad Isbister, Ottawa SenatorsBrad Isbister by John Bollwitt
-hmm… he appears to not only have been sent to the minors, but he didn’t even bother to show up there!
-apparently he’s playing in Sweden now

-he’s still cute, though
Markus Naslund, New York RangersMarkus Naslund Models the Vancouver Canucks' New Uniform by sillygwailo
Georges Laraque, Montreal CanadiensGeorges by ztil301 0
Kris Letang, Pittsburgh Penguins

080228 Kris Letang by Dan4th

Mike Komisarek, Montreal CanadiensMike Komisarek.jpg
Josh Gorges, Montreal Canadiens

Josh Gorges 4-15-06.jpg

Jason Pominville, Buffalo Sabres

Jason Pominville

Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks

Jonathan Toews by dtkindler

Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks

Dustin Brown, LA Kings

Dustin Brown by nicholeglaze

Carey Price, Montreal Canadiens

-he’s a goalie with 18 W, 11 L and 5 OT and a 2.72 GAA
Sheldon Souray, Edmonton Oilers

Sheldon Souray

Craig Rivet, Buffalo SabresCraig Rivet by Dinur

So, yeah, apparently hottness alone does not a stellar hockey player make.  My team of hockey hotties ranges from the 3rd leading point scorer in the league (Crosby) and the 2nd highest goal scorer (Parise) to some dude who didn’t show up to work.

Image credits: see this posting