Not To Be Trusted With Knives

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Team Hockey P0rn – Your Suggestions Needed!

Last year, I never really got into the NHL hockey season. With the lockout being so long, by the time the season started, I’d moved on with my life and just couldn’t figure out how to fit hockey watching in. But the thing is, I really *like* watching hockey. And when you add to that the fact that the light at the end of the MBA tunnel is fast approaching, I really will need something to do to fill all the free time I’m going to have come the end of December! All that to say, I’m very excited that the new season starts this week.

And with the new season starting this week, so too does the annual VWXYPool! Hockey pool! The pool is open to regular readers of my friend Cath’s blog, VWXYNot?, which means it’s full of nerdy scientists who love to watch hockey and trash talk one another. So it’s loads of fun!

Now, as you know, I like to have a theme for how I pick the players for my hockey team. In 2011-12, I took the term “fantasy hockey pool” literally and formed Team Hottie, for which I could only chose attractive players. And I did terribly in the pool. So then in 2012-13, I decided to go the opposite way and formed Team Uggoe, for which I could only choose the hideously ugly. And I again did terrible in the pool. So I’m starting to think that choosing hockey players based on appearance may not be the best way to form a hockey pool team. I think it’s time for a new strategy.

And my new strategy is thus: I’m taking a suggestion that Cath made last year in a comment on my Team Uggoe posting – I’m forming Team Hockey P0rn, which means I can only put someone on my team if they have a name that sounds in some way dirty. The obvious members of the team, as Cath pointed out in that comment, are:

  • Grant Clitsome
  • David Legwand
  • Alex Burrows

A quick look at the list of available players has given me the following additions:

  • Victor Hedman
  • Jonathan Quick
  • Patrick Kane
  • Evander Kane
  • and someone I’ve never heard of before, but who is perfect for this team: Jiří Tlustý

This is a good start, but clearly I need more players. So I thought I’d ask you, gentle reader: do you know of any NHL players with dirty sounding names?


Team Uggoe

So, it appears that millionaires and the billionaires have decided how to split up their gazillions of dollars and so we have an (albeit shortened) NHL hockey season upon us. This can only mean one thing: Cath is running the VWXPool! hockey pool again!

As I procrastinated on actually sitting down to make my picks1, I contemplated how to approach the pool. As you know, last year, as in previous hockey pools I’ve been in, I decided to go with a team of hockey hotties. And we all know how that turned out2. I asked The Twitter for its opinion:

hockey pool tweet

but the only response I got was from Cath, who is surely not an objective advisor on the matter3:

hockey pool twitter reply

And then the answer hit me – if my team of hockey hotties does terribly, I need to do the opposite and pick a team of only ugly players4 It’s so obvious, really. I don’t know how I didn’t see this before!

And with that, I give you my picks for this week – a.k.a., Team Uggoe. Be warned: this isn’t pretty.
Evengi Malkin (centreman, Pittsburgh Penguins):

Henrik Sedin5 (centre, Vancouver Canucks. He’s the one on the right.):

Phil Kessel6 (right wing, Toronto Maple Leafs):

Cal Clutterbuck ((He looks like an evil villain, don’t you think?)) (right wing, Minnesota Wild):

Drew Miller7 (left wing , Detroit Red Wings).

Michal Handzus (centreman, San Jose):

Zdeno Chara (defenceman, Boston Bruins):

Dustin Byfuglien (defenceman, Winnipeg Jets):

Mark Streit (defenceman, NY Islanders):

Kimmo Timonen (defenceman, NY Islanders):

Marc Andre Fleury (goalie, Pittsburgh Penguins):

Antti Niemi (goalie, San Jose Sharks):


The guy I really wanted for Team Uggoe, but who is listed as injured, so I didn’t pick him was Brent Burns a.k.a. Chewbacca (defenceman, San Jose Sharks):

Props to Cath for bringing the above Chewbaaca picture to my attention, which lead me to the following:

So there you have Team Uggoe. Let’s hope that they can bring me more points than my hotties ever did!

  1. Though I did get them done last night – with more than 12 hours to spare before the deadline! []
  2. i.e., not very good for me. []
  3. Given her vested interest in wanting to win the pool herself. []
  4. Don’t worry about the hotties though. I’m sure we can find other, um, uses for them. []
  5. I originally tried to get both Sedins and put this picture into my posting, but then I realized that I couldn’t afford both Sedins within the salary cap, but I’m too lazy to find another picture. Also, including a photo with both of them allows for extra uggoe-ness. []
  6. My dad *really* wanted me to put Kessel on my team last year, but I wouldn’t because only hotties were allowed on the team. I wish my dad could see that I’ve finally granted his request. []
  7. Admittedly, he’s not the ugliest person ever, but I needed to find a player that only cost me 1 point, as that was all I could afford within the salary cap and I was getting bored of looking at photos to find the ugliest guys. He’s like Ugly Lite. []