Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

By

2014-15 Hockey Pool – Team Has-To-Be-Reasonably-Attractive-Or-At-Least-A-Nice-Guy

The start of the NHL season this week means one thing – it’s fantasy hockey pool time! As you know, I’m usually pretty terrible at this hockey pool thing, which I like to blame on a variety of excuses, including “I was too busy with MBA school to pay attention to my picks” and “I’m testing important scientific theories, such as the correlation between level of attractiveness and hockey skill”1.

  • Three years ago I used Team Hottie, where every player on my team had to be a hottie. My terrible finish in the pool that year disproved the hypothesis that level of attractiveness is correlated with hockey skill (p < 0.05)2.
  • Two years ago there was Team Uggoe – since my hypothesis that attractiveness does not correlate with scoring all the points, I decided to try the opposite and hypothesized that higher levels of ugliness correlate with scoring all the points. I again did terribly in the pool and this hypothesis was also shot down3.
  • Last year there was Team Hockey P0rn, where players had to have a dirty sounding name to be on the team (Notable members include Grant Clitsome, David Legwand, Victor Hedman, and Jiří Tlustý). And again – terrible finish in the pool4.

So this year, I’ve decided I’m going to try to be more diligent about updating my picks each week and I’m going to give myself a little more leeway on who I can pick by choosing Team Has-To-Be-Reasonably-Attractive-Or-At-Least-A-Nice-Guy – the latter part of which will allow me to choose a Sedin or two once in a while5.

For the record, here’s my week 1 team:

Hockey Picks - Week 1

I have no idea why I starred St. Louis instead of Crosby. (You get to “star” one forward, one defenceman, and one goalie and you get double that person’s points for the week). I actually thought I’d starred Crosby until I looked at my standing later in the week.

Now, I know it’s early days and we only have 4 people in our pool so far (I expect more to join soon), but I have to record for posterity that, at this moment, I’m tied for first:

Hockey Pool - 12 Oct standings

Now I’m going to make my picks for next week. Wish me luck!

  1. It definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I rarely pay attention to hockey beyond the Canucks and thus have no idea who to pick in a pool. Nothing whatsoever to do with that. []
  2. The scientist in me had a really hard time writing that sentence - we don't attempt to *prove* or *disprove* things in science! But the comedian in me said that "My terrible finish in the pool provided evidence against the hypothesis that level of attractiveness is correlated with hockey skill but the sample size of n=1 means that the study was unpowered to detect an effect. More research is needed." just wouldn't have the same comedic effect. []
  3. I accepted the null hypothesis. But again, this study was underpowered. []
  4. I think that not changing my picks the entire season (this is a pool where you can change picks each and every week, which means that you can clear out injured players and stack the team with players who have the most number of games on any given week) probably had something to do with this. []
  5. Daniel and Henrik are fugly, but I’ve heard that they are really nice guys. []

By

Brad Richards – Shirtless *and* PANTLESS!

So just yesterday I commented on the fact that I should post more pictures of shirtless hockey hotties on my blog, and today Darren brought this photo to my attention:

Brad Richards, a NTBTWK-certified hottie, with no clothes on. No shirt, no pants. Really, what more do I need to say? Well – I do need to say one thing: thanks, Darren, for bringing this to my attention!

By

Apparently, I Peak Early

Remember that time I was in a hockey pool and did terribly? Well, there’s a new pool for the playoffs and guess who is leading the pack?

playoff pool - Sat morning standings
These are the standings as of this morning

OK, so I know that it’s early days and that I’m only 3 points ahead of Cath, who is in second place and who jumped from last to 2nd in one day (!)…

Playoff hockey pool

… which clearly shows that position in the pool is pretty meaningless this early on. But I’m still posting this, because I know (based on my past pool performance) that I’ll probably never been in this position again, so I have to brag while I still can! I’m in first! Hooray for me!

I’m also in a bracket pool and doing super craptacularly bad at that:

bracket pool

And we aren’t even going to talk about the Canucks right now! Not only are they down 2 games to none, having dropped two games at home, despite being the President’s Trophy winners playing the 8th place team – but they’ve also ruined my bracket prediction that they’d beat LA in 5 games! Argh!

By

Hockey Pool Week 4: Time To Clean House

I’ve been incredibly lazy in my hockey pool and haven’t changed my picks since the first week. And I’ve suffered the consequences, as I now sit in last place in my pool! *hangs head in shame*

So I decided that it was time to shake things up, which meant I had to actually look at my list and see who was underperforming and who I should replace them with, which, of course, meant I had to make a spreadsheet1. And after this in depth analysis, I made the following changes to my roster.

Kicked Off The Team

  • Benoit Pouliot
  • Dustin Brown2
  • Shea Weber
  • Brent Seabrook
  • Victor Hedman3
  • Carey Price

New Recruits

I should point out that I have adapted my definition of “hottie” for the purposes of this pool. If I can find just one photo of a player on the Internet in which they look hot, they now qualify as a hottie4.

Thomas Vanek

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

I scouted out Ryan as a hottie in my analysis of the new draftees earlier this year, and while I realize his good numbers have a lot to do with the hat trick he got against the Canucks, I decided to take a gamble on him that he’ll keep playing this well – and that he won’t get sent down to the minors for development.

Erik Karlsson

Christian Erhoff

Former Canuck. Current hottie.

Sheldon Souray

Kari Lehtonen

Here’s hoping the new recruits bring me up from my sad little last place existence!

  1. I do love a good spreadsheet. []
  2. Although Dustin actually has more points than Alex Burrows, who I’m keeping, Alex in my only Canuck. []
  3. Probably the hottest guy on my team, but just not performing at the actual hockey playing part. []
  4. As opposed to my previous definition where they had to look hot in most of their photos on the Internet. []

By

Hockey Pool, Week 1

So the hockey pool has started! And since “week 1” only constituted two days1, Cath decided that she’d start doing the weekly updates next week. Well, bollocks to that I say! I’m doing well and need to brag, because you never know how long you’ll be on top! I could be in last place by the time next Saturday rolls around! And with that, I give you this shiny line graph of the hockey pool’s standings as of the end of Week 1:

VWXY Hockey Pool - Week 1
Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that, as of this writing, I am currently #1 in the pool, with a cool 26 points after last night’s games. Take that, everyone!

  1. Thursday and Friday, since the CBC hockey pool that we are using starts it’s “weeks” on Saturdays. []

By

Hockey Hotties – Fresh Meat 2011

I wrote the bulk of this posting on my flight home from Toronto back on June 24. But I needed to add some stuff in after the flight – stuffs that requires connection to the intertubes – and I was stupid busy once I got home, so I’m only getting to this now. This is why no one ever pays me – nor ever will pay me – to blog.

I’m watching the NHL Draft on my flight home from Toronto, thanks to the awesomeness that is live TV on WestJet flights. I’m writing this up offline, thanks to the unawesomeness that is no wifi on airplanes1. Anyway, despite the fact that we left late thanks to the baggage dudes miscounting bags and having to unload & reload them, I still managed to catch the first overall pick, just as he was getting on the stage.

Anywho, as is my custom, I am providing an in-depth analysis of the draft picks based on a single criterion: hotness.

1. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

  • drafted first overall, off to the Edmonton Oilers
  • he’s cute. Definitely cute. Plus he’s a Burnaby boy. I like Burnaby boys. Cute + local + number 1 draft pick overall rounds him up to “hottie” status

2. Gabriel Landeskog

  • Colorado decided to take a hot Swede with draft pick #2
  • hard to believe this kid is only 18 years old – he looks much older than that!
  • verdict: SuperHottie!

3. Jonathan Huberdeau

  • the Florida Panthers decided to take the first non-hottie of the 2011 draft

4. Adam Larsson

  • the New Jersey Devils apparently did not consider hairstyles when making their draft pick. This guy’s creepy hair and weird face make him decidedly a non-hottie

5. Ryan Strome

  • Garth Snow (no relation) and the NY Islanders drafted a not-hottie
  • he’s from Mississauga, the city next to my hometown.
  • also, the announcer during the draft broadcast2 said: “John Tavares and Ryan Stromme will make sweet music.” This was the first, but not the last, example of hockey porn during this broadcast!

6. Mika Zibanejad

  • having just been in Ottawa, I was interested to see who the Senators would get in the draft and I was pleased to see they took the half-Finnish, half-Iranian cutie
  • he speaks Farsi, Finnish, Swedish and English. And now he’s a Top 10 NHL Draft. Way to make me feel like a total slacker, Mika.

7. Mark Scheifele

  • the new Winnipeg team first officially revealed that they would be called the Jets, and then they took a guy that resembles Winnipeg in the winter – Not Hot

8. Sean Couturier

  • Philadelphia Flyers chose a non-hottie

9. Dougie Hamilton

  • the Boston Bruins3 took a hottie, but one who really needs to learn that a grown man should not go by the name “Dougie.” While he’s at it, he can tell that to Scottie Upshall.
  • what worries me, though, is that he sort of resembles the kid who played Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies before he turned uggoe, so there’s the threat that Dougie too will lose his hottie-ness as he ages
  • according to the broadcasters, this guy has a 94% average in school, including a 97% in calculus! Smartness is hot.

10. Jonas Brodin

  • another Swede with a bad hair cut was taken in the draft, this time by the Minnesota Wild. Verdict = non-hottie.
  • more hockey porn from the announcers: “they got enough physical on the back end”

11. Duncan Siemens

  • perhaps Colorado figured they couldn’t handle any more hotness after drafting super-hottie Landeskog, so they took a non-hottie in Siemens
  • also, this guy’s last name is pronounced “semens.” True story. How I wish I weren’t on a flight right now so that I could tweet the hockey porn potential of this guy’s name to Cath

12. Ryan Murphy

  • Carolina Hurricanes drafted a cutie. Way to go, Carolina!

13. Sven Bartschi

-My least favourite team, the Calgary Flames, took a someone who I can’t tell if he’s hot or not. When I watched on the plane, on the tiny TV screen, I thought “hottie” and in some photos from the interwebs, he looks kinda cute:

  • But in other photos – icky!

  • Leave it to a Calgary Flame player to be annoying like this!

14. Jamie Oleksiak

  • drafted by the Dallas Stars
  • not a hottie!

15. J. T. Miller

  • this uggoe is now a NY Ranger

16. Joel Armia

  • not a hottie was drafted by the Buffalo Sabres
  • best hockey porn statement from the announcers thus far: “there’s a display of his hand skills”

17. Nathan Beaulieu

  • this cutie is off to play for the Montreal Canadiens

Holy crap! They just announced that one of my fav hotties, Devon Setoguchi, was just traded from San Jose to Minnesota. Damn you, lack of intertubes access, preventing me from tweeting @janers22 about this devastating development!

18. Mark McNeill

  • tragically, the hated Chicago Blackhawks took a cutie. It’s such a shame my beloved Canucks will have to crush him along with fellow cuties Jonathan Toews and Pat Kane.

19. Oscar Klefbom

  • the Edmonton Oilers got to draft *again* and this time they took yet another hottie!

20. Connor Murphy

  • unlike the city of Phoenix where he’s headed, this guy is not hot

Now they’ve announced a trade between Chicago & Washington, but I can’t picture the only name in the trade  (Troy Brouwer, who was traded for a draft pick), so I’m going to assume he’s not a hottie4.

21. Stefan Noeson

  • Ottawa got to pick again! And this time they took a very not hottie.

Anaheim trades pick 22 to Toronto for pick 30 & 39. Guess Toronto really wants someone that they think will be gone in the next 8 picks?

22. Tyler Biggs

  • I guess the Leafs were just dying to get this non-hottie
  • Brian Burke says “We like hostile players.” Does he even know what “hostile” means?? I mean, I could see you liking someone who is “spirited” or “aggressive” even, but doesn’t “hostile” suggest that he’s a jerk?

Another trade! Detroit trades some picks with Ottawa.

23. Joe Morrow

  • Penguins take an uggoe. Clearly, they have reached their salary cap for hotness just by having Sidney Crosby on their team.
  • also, his name rhymes with “tomorrow”5

24. Matt Puempel

  • Freaking Ottawa gets to draft again?? This time they take a hottie again. I guess they are alternating between hotties and notties. Interesting strategy, Ottawa.

25. Stuart Percy

  • another non-hottie heading to Toronto – perhaps they are trying to corner the market on non-hotties?

26. Philip Danault

  • Chicago Blackhawks took a guy that I wouldn’t call necessarily call a “hottie,” but more an adorable little muffin! Which I guess is a *type* of hottie.

27. Vladislav Namestnikov

  • not a hottie
  • headed to Tampa Bay

28. Zack Phillips

  • an uggoe goes to Minnesota

29. Nicklas Jensen

  • *finally* my beloved Canucks get to pick someone!
  • and he’s not half bad looking to boot! Not the hottest guy ever, but he’s acceptable. It’ll deem him a hottie.

30. Rickard Rakell

  • And last in round 1 of the draft, we have a not hottie heading to Anaheim.

So there you have it folks:

  • 11 hotties
  • 18 notties
  • 1 undecided

It shall be interesting to see how many of these guys we see playing in the NHL in the next few years – and how many of them stay as hotties!

  1. It’s 2011, people. Why don’t we have the Internet on planes? Tubes aren’t long enough? []
  2. I think maybe it was Bob Cole, but I could be mistaken. []
  3. Sigh. []
  4. A quick Google image search tells me that I’m oh-so-right about that. Ick []
  5. I know. This is the kind of insightful analysis that brings you here time and again, right? []

By

Bottled Water Is Bullshit – Canucks Edition

Darren Facebooked earlier today about his disappointment at seeing Canucks-branded bottled water in stores recently – you know, given that bottled water is a “lousy, wasteful product,” (or, as I like to say – bottled water is bullshit).

Just the other day I’d been in Save-on-Foods and saw the exact product he was talking about – they are selling bottles of water with pictures of various Canucks players on them. Now, despite the fact that I don’t buy bottled water because I completely agree with Darren that it is wasteful and stupid – we have the best quality water in the world coming right out of our taps, with no need for environmentally unfriendly plastic and transportation of said water-filled plastic bottles – I’m embarrassed to say it didn’t occur to me to think “this is stupid.” Instead, what I thought when I saw these in the store was:

IMG_2039

… “Wow, they drew different pictures for Daniel and Henrik Sedin. I totally would have just used the same one and put their different numbers on their sleeves!”

Priority FAIL!

By

And My Boys Are Off To Round Three!

Day 110
So tonight the Canucks won game #6 of their second playoff round, eliminating the Nashville Predators1 and advancing to the third round for the first time in 17 years!!

I watched the game at my friend Lianna’s place and when I headed back home afterwards, I’d completely forgotten that 72nd and Scott Road is *the* place for Canucks fans in Surrey, so when I took the 72nd Ave exit off Hwy 91, it took me a minute to figure out why the heck traffic was at a standstill! And I inched forward along 72nd, waiting until I could get to a major street to take a detour, would you believe that my iPhone, which I was using to play music on shuffle, started playing Combat Baby? That is the truest of true stories, my friends. And I may, just may, have driven along my little detour with my window open, blaring Combat Baby and honking at all the other fans who were waving flags on the side of the road, or driving up and down the streets.

Go Canucks Go!

  1. I think everyone can agree that it is a mercy that Shea Weber can now shave off that horrible, horrible beard! His beard is so out of control, in fact, that it had its own Facebook page! []

By

Shea Weber Looks Like A Serial Killer

Is it just me, or does Shea Weber, captain of the evil Nashville Predators, look *a lot* like serial killer Dexter Morgan?

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the team Weber plays for is called the “Predators.”

By

Hockey Pool – All Hotties, All The Time

A little while ago, Darren announced on Twitter that he’d be running a hockey pool to which, naturally, I immediately responded “count me in!” As you know, I have a knack for in-depth analysis of hockey players and what better way to put said skills to use than to join a hockey pool, right?  The pool is a straight up points pool – you draft 12 players (and thus only one person in the pool can have each player) with draft order picked by random number draw, and you get a point for every point your players score, no minimum/maximum number of defenceman/forwards, and no goalies (you know, given that they typically don’t score points and all). My philosophy in hockey pools – as in life – is to pick the hot ones.  The draft was held on Saturday and I was lucky enough to draw draft position #2 and since Darren took the exceedingly unattractive Ovechkin first overall, I was able to get my #1 pick, the exceedingly adorable Sidney Crosby! After my round #2 pick of super hottie Jonathan Toews, a comment may have been made that “Beth likes ’em young” – a point which, of course, I did not argue. Now, given that this was a draft, there were quite a few hotties that I did not manage to snag for my team, like, for example, the delicious Zach Parise, my hometown hottie Alexandre Burrows, and the little cutie Pat Kane1. But I was able to successfully draft a team of a dozen fine looking young men:

  1. Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh)
  2. Sidney Crosby

  3. Jonathan Toews (Chicago)
  4. Jonathan Toews

  5. Mike Green (Washington)
  6. Mike Green

  7. Jason Pominville (Buffalo)
  8. Jason Pominville

  9. Mikko Koivu (Minnesota)
  10. Mikko Koivu

  11. Dustin Brown (LA)
  12. Dustin Brown

  13. Shea Weber (Nashville)
  14. Shea Weber

  15. Mike Knuble (Washington)
  16. Mike Knuble

  17. Ryan Clowe (San Jose)
  18. Ryan Clowe

  19. Devin Setoguchi (San Jose)
  20. Devin Setoguchi

  21. Scottie Upshall (Phoenix)
  22. Scottie Upshall

  23. Brenden Morrow (Dallas)

Brenden Morrow

So those are my boys for the season. Do me proud, my hotties, do me proud!

  1. without the playoff mullet, Pat is a hottie []