Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


You Know What’s Worse Than When A Massive Spider Builds a Web Outside Your Living Room Window of Your 6th Floor Apartment and Then Just Sits There Looking Threateningly At You All Day?

I will tell you what’s worse. It’s when a massive spider builds a web outside your living room window of your 6th floor apartment and just sits there looking threateningly at you all day for several days, knowing full well that you have no way whatsoever to reach him and kill him like he deserves because your windows don’t open (except for a tiny spot that is nowhere near his web) and your window is too high up to be reached from the outside… and then he disappears. Because now you have no idea where that eight-legged beast of pure evil has gone to and he could be ANYWHERE!

So, basically, I think I have to move now.


Not Off To An Auspicious Start

There was a monstrous eight-legged beast in my hallway this morning. Monstrous, I say! My apartment was still mostly dark as I had just gotten out of bed and was making my way to the bathroom when I caught sight of the bastard. To make matters worse, he was in between me and my giant collection of shoes by the front door and, as we all know, shoes are the best weapon one has against these evil fiends. Lucky for me, my shoe collection is too large to all be located in one spot, so I grabbed a shoe from the shoe reserves in my closest and steeled myself for what I had to do. Then the behemoth started to move. And the only thing worse than a spider is a moving spider. I get so freaked out by the way they move! GAH! So I screamed like a little girl and hit it with the shoe and then jumped back and jumped up and down screaming some more until my heebie-jeebie level came down a few notches. Then I steeled myself again so that I’d have the strength to get close enough to the carcass to suck it up with my vacuum, but I saw that the bastard was twitching. Oh. My. God! It was clearly being reincarnated as a zombie-spider, which is absolutely, unquestionably the worst kind of anything ever. So I smacked it again to ensure it was really, truly dead and then jumped up and down freaking out again for a bit. GAH!

I will now spend the rest of the day freaking out every time I detect – or think I detect – movement out of the corner of my eye.


The Spider Conspiracy Continues

So, as my long time readers know, the spiders are out to get me. They have sent many an assassin to try to kill me and I think they are getting angry that none have yet achieved the objective because they have now sent in the big guns.

The other day, I noticed a very large spider web that had been constructed on the light fixture outside my door. Now, we all know what spider webs are. They are the spider equivalent of the Dexter kill room. And this one was so large that it was clear that (a) it must have been a behemoth of monster that constructed it and (b) this spider is clearly intending to kill me. But said monster was nowhere to be seen. I silently prayed to the FSM that a neighbourhood cat or some such had found the beast and devoured it, but alas, I am not so lucky. It turns out that the beast is a nocturnal web dweller, as when I went out later that night to take out my garbage, he was sitting there smugly in his giant web, taunting me. Now, generally, my fear of going anywhere near a spider fights with my fear of spiders being alive anywhere near me and I am able to steel myself enough to off the bastards. But this one was SO BIG. So I decided it was best to take my garbage out the next morning when he would hopefully be gone, but if he wasn’t, at least I’d have daylight on my side so that he’d be less able to use the dark of night to launch an attack against me. The next morning he was, in fact, gone and I quickly destroyed his web.

Last night when I came home, the bastard was sitting on the light fixture, glaring at me for destroying his web. I quickly scurried inside, locked and alarmed the door and sprinkled holy water and garlic around to prevent it from being able to get in1.

When I went outside this morning, as I wanted to sit outside in the glorious sunshine, do you know what I found? Not only had the bastard made a new web, but this time he made it from the light fixture in front of my door on the one side to the opposite wall of my alcove2 on the other – that is to say – a web that entirely blocked my path to leave my apartment! If I had any doubts that this spider was trying to kill me, those doubts have been removed. Also, I didn’t have any doubts.

Of course, I destroyed this second web, but now I fear what the monster is going to do to yet again up the ante. I’m going to my friend’s stagette tonight and crashing at her sister’s place, and I fully expect to come home the next morning to find that my entire alcove is one giant web. *shudder*

Anyone want to come over to my place to kill a giant killing-machine of a spider? I can make no assurances that you will survive, but if you do, I will bake you cookies.

  1. Holy water and garlic stop spiders, right? []
  2. I’m not sure if “alcove” is the correct word here. Basically, my front door is at the bottom of a flight of stairs and sits sort of within a concrete… alcove? bunker? I don’t know the right term, so here’s a picture []


The Spider Conspiracy – An Update

I got into my car this morning and started driving to work. And then some movement near the driver’s side visor caught my attention.  Can you guess what it was?  That’s right, it was a freaking *spider*!  A horrible little yellow and black striped one, soulless and vile!  Thankfully, my dad always taught me to take extra napkins from fast food joints and keep them in the glove compartment1, so I was able to pull over, jump out of the car armed with a napkin and then carefully reach in and squash the little bugger to death.

Then, when I got home from work, guess what was hanging from my freaking front door handle?  A big stupid black 8-legged beast! Gah!

All this, of course, just proves that there really is a spider conspiracy going on.  I mean, no sooner did I reveal this spider conspiracy on my blog and they sent not just one, but two assassins after me.

I’m kind of afraid to go to sleep tonight.

  1. has anyone *ever* kept actual gloves in the glove compartment of their car? []


Dear Me Three Months From Now

So I was out at Golden Ears Provincial Park this past weekend and I noticed a weird purple dot on my arm. “It’s a tick bite!” declared my friend, Clayton. Then he said something derogatory about me being a “city girl” and I promptly forgot about it (I probably got distracted by something shiny). Anyway, over the last few days I’ve been watching it and it’s definitely some kind of a bug bite. It’s red, a bit swollen and definitely warm.

The reason I’m mentioning it here is because if it is, in fact, a tick bite and if the offending tick was, in fact, infected with something horrible, the symptoms won’t show up for months, by which time I will have forgotten all about this. So, if a few months from now I’m complaining of fever, headache, a circular skin rash and arthritis1, it’s your job to remind me that I probably got bit by a tick and probably have Lyme disease, k?

In slightly related news, I was told today the bugs (like ticks and their soulless 8-legged cousins who shall remain nameless here) have an affinity for estrogen and thus prefer to bite women2. Bastards.


  1. of course, now I’ve started reading about all the horrible things that can happen to you from a tick bite – like psychosis (!) in later stage infection with Lyme disease or paralysis and gangrene (!) from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, so I’m probably going to end up with Münchausen syndrome []
  2. In the interest of full disclosure, while I was told this by someone that I trust to know what they are talking about, I was unable to find a source to verify this information.  And I looked for, like, 3 whole minutes.  I think it’s a conspiracy.  A spider-based conspiracy.  The spiders don’t want you to know!  Double bastards! []