Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


The Return of The Cursed Chocolate Bar

Long time readers of NTBTWK may remember the tale of the cursed chocolate bar. For those who don’t, let me explain. Back in the NHL playoffs of ’07…. oh hell, here’s a cut-and-paste job from my blog posting at the time:

I nearly had a heart attack watching tonight’s game! It had been very frustrating to watch my boys lose the last two games, where they could have ended the series, but didn’t, resulting in tonight winner-take-all matchup. Then it occurred to me what the problem was… my chocolate bar was cursed. Two games ago, I was watching the game with a bunch of friends at two of my friends’s apartment and during the intermission between the third period and OT, a couple people decided to go to the store for snacks and I got a big bar of dark Swiss chocolate. It was quite delicious, but certainly more than I could eat in one sitting. We lost that game in OT, and then we lost the next game. I had eaten some more of the chocolate bar over the past few days, but still had quite a bit left when this game started. I started to have an inkling that my chocolate bar might be cursed, preventing the Canucks from winning, but when Dallas scored first in tonight’s game, I decided it was time to take action. I ate the rest of the bar. And shortly after finishing said bar, the Canucks scored. Did I ever mention that I’m supersititious?

Thanks to me devouring the cursed chocolate bar, the good guys prevailed and the bad guys… well, they got sent back to Dallas.

Fast forward to this year. The Canucks are up 3-0 in their series against the hated Chicago Blackhawks and then they lose game 4… and 5… and 6. Things look dire. My sista from another prime minista is worried. The following conversation occurs on Twitter:

twitter conversation

That’s right folks. ANOTHER cursed chocolate bar! And this one was *hiding* from me – it’s just *that* insidious!


This is not a photo of the ACTUAL cursed chocolate bar, but rather a photo of one that looks like it that I found on Flickr, because I thought you all needed to be forewarned about possible chocolate bar curses. I didn’t waste any time photographing the actual cursed chocolate bar as it was CRITICAL that I devour that item as quickly as possible. Also, I didn’t want anything of that cursed chocolate bar to exist – not even a photo! I wolfed down the remainder of that freaking chocolate bar so fast that I thought I would barf1! But I knew that barfing was not an option, as that would mean the chocolate was not destroyed. Barfing was not an option!

Mercifully, the destruction of the cursed chocolate bar worked and my beloved Canucks triumphed over the evil Chicago Blackhawks last night! And the city rejoiced2!!

Also, while talking about my superstitiousness3, I should point out that there were two good omens yesterday that foretold of the glorious Canucks victory.

First, there was a freaking double rainbow in Vancouver4!

What does it mean?

What does it mean? It means Canucks victorious, bitches!

The second was an omen that was revealed only to me. Earlier in the day while at work, I was listening to the radio and the song Combat Baby by Metric came on. I even tweeted it: “♫ Combat Baby! Said you would never give up easy! ♫” And as I listened to that line, I realized that my Canucks would never give up easy. And, knowing that my iPod is sentient, I got it in my head that I needed to hear Combat Baby as I drove to Alicia’s place for the game. But I couldn’t intentionally play it – it had to show up in my shuffle. And would you believe that not only did my Bellatrix5 play Combat Baby for me while I listened on shuffle, but it played it when I was 3 minutes and 32 seconds away from arriving at Alicia’s! As I was driving up Davie Street to her place and Rihanna’s Only Girl in the World was coming to an end, I said aloud, “Come on, Bellatrix! Play Combat Baby!” And no word of a lie, at that exact moment, Combat Baby started. True fucking story. And I knew at that moment that my Canucks were destined to win.

Image Credits:

  1. Granted, I was so anxious about the game even before I found the chocolate bar, I felt like I was going to barf []
  2. Honestly, I watched the game at my friend Alicia’s place in Yaletown and the atmosphere in the city was exactly like when we won the Olympic gold medal in men’s hockey last year! There was yelling and cheering and horns honking and it all went well into the night []
  3. Yes, I am a superstitious atheist. And no, that does not make any sense. Your point? []
  4. Full disclosure: I didn’t actually see the double rainbow, but read about it on blogs and Twitter afterwards []
  5. Bellatrix being my iPhone’s name []


This is how dedicated I am

Last night I went to a lovely wedding on a boat (congrats to Tanya & Barry on their nuputals!). We had to leave at 5:30 p.m. to go to Granville Island to board the boat. But the first game of the Canucks second round playoff series started at 5 p.m. and as we all know, it is my eating of a Drumstick ice cream cone that ensures Canuck playoff victories. So what’s a dedicated Canuck fan to do? Well, she’s to get dressed up in her wedding-appropriate finest and then scarf down an ice cream cone while watching the first half hour of the game, that’s what (see photographic evidence below). So, yeah, that 5-1 Canucks victory… You’re welcome, Vancouver. You’re welcome.


Ice Cream Supserstition

So there’s this other blogger out there1 and I’m pretty sure we are twins who were separated at birth.  She’s a scientist and an uber-Canucks fan and blogs about dirty hockey terms2,  and is, as it turns out, superstitious.  Specifically, superstitious about the Canucks. Like me. Anyway, I made a comment on her blog about my Canucks superstitiousness… specifically, about the case of the cursed chocolate bar.  And my comment was so full of awesome, I even made it into her “Bragging Rights Central” – the place of honour where the most awesome of awesome comments on her blog go every week:

Screen shot 2010-04-24 at 6.29.36 PM

Which brings me to my new superstition.  As anyone who is anyone knows, the Canucks are currently playing the LA Kings in the first round of the playoffs.  Well, it just so happened that when I went out grocery shopping on the day of game 1, these were on sale:


And who am I to resist an ice cream sale, right?  During the game, I enjoyed one of said delicious sale-priced ice cream cones.  And the Canucks won game 1.  But then for game 2, I wasn’t at home and I didn’t have an ice cream cone and guess what happened?  That’s right, a Canuck loss.  I think you can see where this is going, right? Game 3 – again not at home, again no ice cream cone and again a Canuck loss.  At that point I realized – much like the cursed chocolate bar, it was the eating of the ice cream cones that were required to ensure Canuck wins.  And when I thought about it, it was so obvious. There are four cones in the box and you need to win four games to take the series.  How could I not have seen it before?  So game 4 I watched at home and ate an ice cream cone in the third period – and we got a Canucks win!  For game 5, I knew I’d be at Tod’s, so I brought the remaining ice cream cones there and ate one at the start of the game and we all know what happened – a 7-2 blowout for the boys in blue!  I think this is pretty compelling evidence that my gastronomic selections are directly responsible for the on-ice performance of the Vancouver Canucks.  It’s a good thing I’m doing a fair bit of running though – with 13 more wins to go, I don’t know if my waistline can handle that many ice cream cones!

  1. come to think of it, I don’t even remember how/when I started following her blog []
  2. see here and here for comparison []