Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


12 Bars of Christmas 2010

Or should I say, the 11 bars and *barf*. Being that this was my 5th years of 12 Bars, I decided to do something special. Like puking at Coppertank. Because I’m classy like that. But I’m getting ahead of myself!

Day 167 - 12 Bars of Christmas Outfit

The very first year that I went to 12 Bars, I managed to drink a drink at every bar. We are talking 12 drinks in 6.5 hours. Remember that I’m 5 ft tall – it’s pretty much inhuman that I managed to do that. And I’ve never been able to repeat that feat. Usually by around bar #7, I’m done. I drink water at the remaining bars and thus enjoy a nice time at the remaining bars, including the unofficial 13th bar we go to after the 12 bars are completed. But I always feel like such a failure, because I know that I did it that one time1! This year, however, I was feeling fine at bar #7. I even remembering saying to someone2, “I’m usually so done by Nevermind! But I’m feeling fine.” Fast forward four bars, however, and it all went downhill fast! I went to the bathroom, thinking that I just had pee, but as soon as I walked in the door, I realized that it was another bodily function that I needed to do – puke. And puke I did, right into the (very well-placed) garbage can. Some lovely people3 brought me some water and a chair to sit on.  And then apparently, though I do not remember this, I went back to the table where other merry 12 Bars-ers were… and proceeded to puke in a cup. Because I am just that awesome. And then Erika kindly put me in a cab to Linda’s4. I managed to get to Linda’s without puking again, for which the cabby was very grateful5, but then I puked again when I got there. This whole thing becomes even more pathetic when you realize that we start 12 Bars at 3 pm, so it was all of 9:30 at this point! Fortunatley, I had a very good long sleep at Linda’s, waking up briefly to have some water which I immediately puked up6, but other than that sleeping straight through ’til about 10 a.m.

I took some photos, but mostly just of my drinks and honestly even looking at the photos of the drinks as I uploaded them made me a little queasy, so you’ll have to just check them out over on Flickr if you want to see them.  But I do want to show you this one photo:

Guy in a beaver suit and someone who is apparently supposed to be GSP

These guys walked into Elwood’s Gargoyles7 while we were there.  Naturally, I took their photo and then ran over and asked “Why are you dressed like a beaver?”  “Because I just got my Canadian citizenship,” he said, in his British account.  So I turned to the other guy and asked, “And why are you dressed as a ninja?”  “I’m not a ninja, I’m supposed to be GSP.” My blank stare then elicited, “He’s a fighter. A Canadian fighter.” I think I’ll have to take the ninja’s word on that one.  Later another guy, dressed in a track suit and black face joined then. Seriously, black face. “Who are you supposed to be?” I asked. To which he replied, “Ben Johnson.” Seriously, I couldn’t even make this shit up.

  1. Yes, I do realize that it’s very silly to think of consuming 12 drinks as anything akin to “success” []
  2. though I have no idea who I was talking to []
  3. again, I don’t know who most of them were, but thank you guys for looking after me! []
  4. where I was staying for the night []
  5. “It costs me $200 if you puke in my cab!”” he said, repeatedly []
  6. puking up pure water is a very weird sensation []
  7. at least, I think it was Elwood’s []


12 Bars 2010 – Two Week Warning!

This afternoon as I was dutifully sitting at home marking papers, I received the email that one waits all year for – my invitation to the 12 Bars of Christmas!  Clearly, this was a reward for me being so responsible and staying home and marking papers all weekend, right? Of course, excitement about the impending 12 Bars distracted me from my marking and now it’s 7 p.m. and I still have 12 papers left to mark! But I digress. 12 Bars. So. Excited.

This year, instead of our usual $10/head1 donation to the Canadian Liver Foundation, our $10 per person charitable donations will go towards Paul’s Movember fundraiser.  Now, this goes strictly against my refusal-to-support-the-growing-of-facial-hair-even-if-it-for-a-good-cause policy, but… but it’s the 12 Bars!  I think maybe that is more of a “guideline” than a policy, really.

To remind you why I’m so excited, why don’t you peruse my blog postings on the 12 Bars of Christmases Past?

  1. er, $10 per liver []


12* Bars of Christmas 2009

The alternate title for this blog posting: UFC1  is the Grinch who stole three of the bars of Christmas.

So now that my liver is functioning again, it’s time to blog about the 12 Bars of Christmas ’092!  As always, I took pictures throughout the night to capture this epic event for posterity3.  In previous years, I’ve used the antiquated method of having partygoers indicate the bar number with their fingers, like so:

These two fellas are showing that we were at bar #12 (from last year).

But this year I’ve technologized4, so bar numbers are indicated on my beloved Bellatrix the iPhone!  Plus I checked in on Foursquare at all the bars along the way – which I figured would make me look a lot less lame than my usual check-ins at grocery stores and libraries.

Traditionally, Bar 1 has been Erika & Paul’s house, but they live in Seattle now and we figured that the walk from there to 4th Ave in Vancouver would be a bit much.  Fortunately, E & P’s friends Lian & Jon moved into E & P’s old place, so we didn’t have to change locations!

Bar #1 – Lian & Jon’s Place

Jon & Lian, hosts of Bar #1.

My Drink: hot chocolate & Bailey’s.

Bar #2 – Los Margarita’s

Casey & Linda (who is holding my drink for the photo) at Bar #2.

My Drink: strawberry margarita.

Bar #3 – Hell’s Kitchen

Iain, with whom I waited *forever* to pay our bills at the bar, shows off the number 3.

My Drink: Amaretto sour.  HK has the best Amaretto sour in town!

Bar #4 – Room Eighteen

Tanis, my hockey buddy, smiling at bar #4.

My Drink: Amaretto sour.

Bar #5 – Mandala Restaurant

Matt appears to be very happy to be at bar #5.

My Drink: Wine.

Manadala’s is the dinner stop.  I had spring rolls, gyoza and yam & avocado maki.  I also realized during dinner that I’d forgotten to stop at the credit union on the block before the restaurant (and credit cards are just too darned slow when you are on a tight schedule like this!), so I doubled back there after dinner and then met up with everyone at the next bar.  Also, on the way I stopped and bought a hat.

Bar #6 – Darby’s

A whole bunch o’ people, all of whose names escape me except for Zoey on the left, showing off that we are at the halfway point – bar #6.

My Drink: Amaretto sour.

Bar #7 – Nevermind

Me & Zoey, two shorties, at Nevermind, showing off the number 7.

My Drink: Diet Coke & Amaretto5.

After Nevermind, however, things went a little sideways.  We all went to the scheduled bar, Gargoyle’s, and I headed right to the bathroom.  When I came out, however, everyone was gone!  It turns out that they wouldn’t let us stay because the place was packed with people watching UFC and they aren’t allowed to have more people that seats.  So I figured that everyone went on to the next scheduled bar, The Shack, so I went there, but it was also packed with people watching UFC and the same thing happened at the following bar, Elwood’s.  At that point I tried calling a few of the people from the group to figure out where the heck everyone was, but no one was answering their phones!  And then, mercifully, I saw a few people that I knew coming up the street!  As it turned out, most people went to Swiss Chalet6 when they couldn’t get into Gargoyle’s, but these few people decided to just get to the next bar.  I told them there would be no getting into The Shack or Elwood’s, so we decided to head to the following scheduled bar, Coppertank, where we’d just get a few drinks and wait for the others to catch up.  So, for me and a couple of other people at least:

Bar #8-11 – Coppertank

Dennis shows us that Coopertank represents the next four bars!

My drink: Wine.

As we spent a fair bit of time at this place, I got a few extra photos with alternative “elevens”:

Christine’s two straws = 11!

Linda’s two sticks of gum also = 11!

After everyone caught up, Erika came around and said that we’d just stay there as bar 12, so I took this photo:

Me at bar #12, but it’s not really 12 ‘cuz we ended up going to Regal Beagle after all! 7

And thus ended the 12* Bars of Christmas!

Also, for the record I unlocked the “Crunked” Badge on on FourSquare, for the illustrious accomplishment of checking in to four or more places in one night. Because I’m awesome like that.

But then the next day I received the “Bender” badge on FourSquare, for checking in to places four nights in a row!

Go party animal go!  Note that it was my checking into SAFEWAY – that’s right, Safeway the GROCERY STORE – that prompted this.  I am so awesome.

  1. Ultimate Fighting Championship []
  2. yes, I do realize that it’s been more than a week since 12* Bars, but hey, I’ve been busy! []
  3. and not, as some might tell you, so that I can reconstruct what happened during the evening at a later date.  I don’t know where you would even get such an idea!! []
  4. is so a word []
  5. I was soured out at this point []
  6. and then went somewhere else for a shot, although I came remember where they said they went []
  7. Also, notice my awesome hat, that I bought to replace the exact same hat that I’ve lost TWICE!! []


T minus 24 hours

…’til the start of the 12 Bars of Christmas ’09.  My liver hurts already.

I was just flipping through my blog postings from the previous 12 Barses1 and realized that this is my 4th year of 12 Barring, not my 3rd as I was thinking it was.  Not sure how I could have made that mistake, given that the emails keep saying it’s the 5th time that Erika & Paul have run this event and I know that I only missed the first year of it2.  Tomorrow’s forecast calls for snow, as seems to always happen for 12 Bars, but on the plus side I’m going to get some kickass Foursquare points, let me tell you.

Anyhoo, wish me luck on my latest attempt to consume far more alcohol than is reasonable even for a person of normal size, let alone for a shrimp like me – and keep your fingers crossed that the coming snowstorm doesn’t result in me having to walk home like I did last year.

  1. Barses is the plural of Bars, right? []
  2. perhaps this annual drinking at 12 bars in 6 hours isn’t good for the old brainarino? []