Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


My New Cage

So apparently I’m on a kick of buying sports related stuff. In addition to my new insoles, last week I finally broke down and bought myself a new face protector for my hockey helmet. All of my playing career, I’ve worn a clear plastic full visor, like this:

Helmet with old face protector

The one shown above is actually my second such visor – the first one never really fit properly and got way too scratched up and so I had to buy a replacement. As you know, I’m a big fan of safety equipment when it comes to sports, and I wouldn’t dream of playing without a full face protector of some sort – I’m just way too pretty to risk my beautiful, beautiful looks. Plus, I’ve been hit in the visor enough time with sticks and pucks to ever think it would be a good idea not to wear one! Especially since I got my braces. It seems like ever since I got them, I get hit in the face every time I play!

When I got my braces, I started wearing a mouth guard1, but I found that when I got off the ice and took out my mouth guard (as in, I took it out of my mouth, but it’s still contained inside my face shield) to drink water, my face shield immediately fogged up something terrible. And no amount of “anti-fog spray” used before the game would prevent it. This is a bit of a problem, especially if we don’t have a lot of players and I have to get back out onto the ice really quickly – there’s not enough time to drink water, get my mouth guard back in and also wipe away the fog!

And so it was off to Canadian Tire I went to buy this:

New cage for my helmet.

I found the claim on the tag a bit unlikely though:

"Vision enhancing?" Really?

“Vision enhancing”? A cage right in your line of sight is “vision enhancing”? I highly doubt that!

Anyway, after much fighting with my helmet, I finally managed to get the thing installed:

New cage for my helmet

I’ve only worn it to two games, but so far I like it. It took a bit of getting used to – I found that in the first game I wore it, a few times when I jumped out on the ice it seemed like all I could see was the cage! But you really quickly are able to focus on the game and then you barely notice the cage at all. By the second game, it was like it’s wasn’t even there! And it’s just *so* nice to not having anything fogging up anymore!

I also tried out my insoles that I bought for my running shoes in my hockey skates for last night’s game and I freaked loved it! I think I may need to head back to Kintec to buy a second pair!

And lately I’ve been seriously considering buying a bike! I think maybe I’ll go bike shopping this weekend…

  1. An aside: the reason I never wore a mouth guard before my braces was because I thought they were solely meant to protect your teeth and I always figure that my teeth were fine because I wore a full face protector. But I have since learned that mouth guards are also meant to help prevent concussions, because apparently when you get hit in the head but you are biting down on a mouth guard, it absorbs some of the shock []


My Lucky Chin Strap

At my hockey game tonight, I learned that I’ve been playing without a chin strap on my helmet. Like, for my entire hockey playing career. Now, when it comes to hockey gear, I’m usually the safety queen. I’m the one who guilts and/or scares the other players into wearing neck guards with graphic descriptions of blood shooting out of their carotid arteries. I’m *that* guy. So to find out I’ve been playing with a key piece of safety equipment for, did I mention, my entire hockey playing career was quite a shock! How did I find out, you ask? Well, the ref in tonight’s game came up to me and pointed out that my chin strap was missing. “I have a chin strap!” I said, confusedly, pointing at, you know, the strap around my chin. “That’s not a chin strap,” he said. Turns out that the thing that I had always assumed was my chin strap because, you know, it’s a strap and it goes around my chin, is actually just the strap for my face shield and the little thingamabob that your chin sits in1. You are, apparently, supposed to have a different strap, one that hangs loosely underneath your chin and makes sure your helmet doesn’t come off. Though how my helmet could possibly come off when it is tightly attached by the strap-that’s-not-a-chin-strap, I have no idea.

not a chin strap


chin srap

Also, how I have managed to play hockey for 7 or 8 years2 without ever having a chin strap and without anyone ever noticing until now is also a bit of a mystery. I mean, I’ve played in three different leagues in three different arenas, plus provincials, plus two tournaments (including one in Vegas) and no one has EVER NOTICED. My best guess is that ref was totally checking me out. But I digress.

So the ref tells me that “It’s very nice that you have *this* [indicating the not-a-chin-strap], but that is not a mandatory piece of equipment.  You cannot play another shift until you get a chin strap.” GAH! Our team was already playing with only two lines and now I can’t pay until I find a chin strap!

So I run off to the pro shop and totally interrupt some poor kid who was just trying to buy a hockey stick with my “I NEED A CHIN STRAP AND I NEED IT FAST!! I’M MISSING SHIFTS AND MY TEAM IS SHORT!3” And, FSM bless them, the boys in the pro shop were like a Nascar pit stop crew – they hooked me up with a chin strap and replaced two screws in my helmets with clips so that I could attach both my chin strap and my not-a-chin strap4. And they did it so fast AND for free! Go pro shop boys!5

And, would you believe, that when I got back into the game I scored the most beautiful goal I’ve *ever* scored in my entire hockey playing career?  I’m talking I threw on the super-speed, stole the puck from the other team, got a breakaway, and shot that puck top shelf where momma keeps the cookie jar!

It pretty much looked like this, except that I’m much prettier than Mike Pecca:

And for that goal, I credit my new lucky chin strap!

  1. no clue what that thing is called. A chin guard, maybe? []
  2. I can’t remember exactly when I started playing hockey and at first I was thinking it was about 6 years, but now that I think about it, it’s got to be at least 7, possibly 8. I’ve been done school for more than 4 years and I’m sure I played for three seasons at UBC while I was a student []
  3. where by “short” I mean we only had two lines, so without me they were playing with just three wingers. Not short as it “no one on my team is taller than 5 ft!” []
  4. incidentally, this is how I know that I’ve *never* had a chin strap before. I’ve had a full face shield on my helmet from day 1 – I’m far too pretty to play hockey without my pretty, pretty face being protected – yet I only had one set of clips on my helmet. Ergo, I could never have played with a chin strap because there was nowhere that it could have been attached. Also, incidentally, it was the man who would later become my ex-husband who originally put my face shield onto my helmet, so he must be the one who took off the chin strap that I’m sure must have come with the helmet when I bought it, given that it’s a mandatory piece of equipment. Way to try to kill me, ex-husband! []
  5. Also, it didn’t hurt that they were cute. I’m just sayin’ []