Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


Men Wanted

So you know that running study1 I was telling you about yesterday? They need more men to join. The study is meant to look at if sex is a risk factor for running injuries, so they need to have both males and females and right now they have more females. So boys, if you are interested in running and interested in science, this group is chalk full of fit ladies! Just sayin’.

If you are interested, you can tweet the study manager at @justdoitYVR or email

  1. Also, at the running group this morning, we met the Principal Investigator for the study, Jack Taunton. He’s a sports med doctor who was the Chief Medical Officer for the 2010 Olympics and founded both the Sun Run and the Vancouver International Marathon, among other achievements. So, you know, a total slacker. []


More Hockey Terms That Sound Dirty

Because they want to be just like me, the Vancouver Canucks decided to win their divisional championship this year too! Roberto Luongo, for the record, is a god.

In honour of this momentous championship victory, I decided to update my list of Hockey Terms That Sounds Dirty.  These are things that radio and television announcers have said during hockey play-by-play that just sound so dirty.

  • “he’s got good hands”
  • “he stuffed it in”
  • “poke check”
  • “making moves”
  • “gets his stick in there”
  • “scoring”
  • “two on one”
  • “hitting from behind”
  • “he couldn’t get it up”
  • “he got double teamed”
  • “rimmed it back deep”
  • “they aren’t afraid to go into the dirty areas”
  • “he got in there too tight”
  • “he rode him into the corner”
  • “he’s got a big one tonight”
  • “5 on 3”
  • “bang it home”
  • “come from behind”
  • “can’t get one off”
  • “he got good wood on that one”
  • “he reached around”
  • “he took one on the face”


Dildos in Texas

So I just saw over on that a federal appeals court has overturned a Texas law banning the sale of sex toys. This video1explains a number of the rules that Texas had about sex toys:

Highlights include:

  • You could buy a dildo, but only as long as you didn’t call it a dildo. You could only have it for “educational purposes” – such as using it to demonstrate how to put on a condom.
  • You could buy a vibrator, but only as long as you didn’t call it it a vibrator. It’s a “personal massager.”
  • You could buy a butt plug. And you could even call it a butt plug because, and I quote: “The anus is not defined as a sexual organ by Texas law. So you can buy whatever you like to go there.”

Which, of course, makes me wonder if they ever sold the baby Jesus butt plug in Texas.

1For some reason, WordPress keeps eating the embed code when I try to embed this video in this posting. Even though I’m sure the code is correct. So, I’ve given up and now all y’all2 will have to click on the link to see the video.
2I said “all y’all” ‘cuz this is blog posting about Texas.


(no title)

So, I’ve been writing a big long blog posting, but I’m just too damned tired to finish it up today. It’s gonna be good, but I need more time to write it and polish it and make it all lovely and shiny for you to read and right now my brain is fried after a long day and all I want to do is go to sleep! In the meantime, you’ll have to just be happy with this photo of what I did with the “Word Whammer” toy on my sister’s fridge when I was visiting her at Christmas time”:


I can haz Flickr photoz?

While searching through Flickr for some photos with Creative Commons licenses to use in an online course I’m developing, I came across this photo, which totally cracked me up. (Hint: that’s a picture of Ivan Pavlov):

I also noticed during this search that a hell of a lot of people have named their dogs and cats “Pavlov.” Also, a lot of mofos put up pictures of spiders and tag them with innocuous words like “Pavlov” or “baby.” Which means innocent Flickr searchers, such as myself, end up looking at photos of spiders against our will!

Also, I found this image during my Flickr travels. I can’t remember what I was searching for, but I can assure you it was a totally legitimate search.

Photo by procsilas


I knew there had to be a scientific reason for my love of high heels

“Why wearing stilettos could boost your sex life” in the Daily Mail news


The Naughty but Nice Sex Show. And did I mention they had lube?

This weekend was the Taboo Naughty but Nice Sex Show. It’s held every year and I’ve always wanted to go and so yesterday I finally got around to doing just that. And, I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. I’m not sure what I expected exactly. I guess I just expected more variety. Every single booth seemed to have the same thing – if you were in the market for lube, vibrators, lube, a sexy Catholic school girl outfit or lube, you were in luck. But how many vibrator-lube-sexyCatholicschoolgirloutfit-and-lube booths can one person really look at in an afternoon?

The show is supposed to be like a trade show. And aren’t trade shows supposed to be about showing the newest 1 innovations? I have to say that, based on this show, there really isn’t any innovation in vibrator technology… with the notable exception of the vibrator that attaches to your iPod and then vibrates in time with your music. Seriously.

Other “highlights”2 of the show include:

  • A show on the main stage that I didn’t actually watch, but more was subjected to as I walked by. A show by Blyssful Productions – “Home of Blyss, the World’s Only Dominatrix Clown.” You know, Blyss, there’s a reason why there aren’t any other dominatrix clowns in the world. Because who the f@$#^ wants to watch a dominatrix clown???
  • At one booth, they were selling what were essential baby wipes for grown ups. The product was not so much what was interesting here as the explanation about this product’s usefulness given by the saleswoman. And I quote: “These are great to keep in your car. You know, like if you have a quickie and he comes inside you, these are great for cleaning up.” That’s just not something you hear everyday. She also explained that they smell really good. Because you know, you smell bad. Similarly there was a cream to help “tighten” you up3. Can’t you just see some guy buying that for his girlfriend? “Here honey, I bought you this cream ‘cuz you are kinda loose. Oh ya, and you smell bad, so I bought these wipes.”

All in all, I’d have to say that it would be better to spend an afternoon having sex than going to this show.

1I’ve never been to a trade show, but that’s what I always thought they were about.
2And by highlights I mean, um, lowlights.
3Honestly, I’m not making any of this up!


Second Only to Sex….

… that was how the goalie who played for our team last night described hockey1.

Also heard in our locker room yesterday:

  • Spit or swallow?2,4
  • I can eat 6 men.3, 4

We won 6-0, after losing the past two weeks (our first two losses of the season, after 9 straight wins). And *I* got an assist. I managed to get open in front, took a pass from the centre and shot a mighty shot6 which the goalie just barely managed to stop… it was too hot for her to handle and she let it rebound, a rebound that was then picked up by the other winger who shot it in the net. And the crowd7 went wild.

This entire posting was not just a lame excuse to talk about my assist, why do you ask?

1although she did also say something to the effect of “my husband would kill me if I said hockey is better than sex,” which makes one wonder, really.
2This was allegedly in reference to the Skittles gum that was being passed around the dressing room before the game. Gum which I, upon reading the label and seeing that it contained shellac5, declined to chew.
3This was allegedly in reference to gingerbread men. Allegedly.
4For the record, it wasn’t me who said either of these.
5So I just learned something new! I didn’t want to eat shellac because I have memories of spraying it on paintings in art class as a kid to preserve them. But when I just read that Wikipedia entry, I saw that it’s made from bugs! Ick! Glad I took a pass on the squished bug gum!
6“Mighty” may be translated as “I actually shot it at the goalie”
7There may or may not have been a crowd that may or may not have gone wild.

Photo by notanartist on Flickr


Hockey Terms That Sound Dirty

Listening to Canucks games on the radio, I’ve noticed quite a few terms that the commentators use while describing the game that sound dirty1, including:

  • “he’s got good hands”
  • “he stuffed it in”
  • “poke check”
  • “making moves”
  • “gets his stick in there”
  • “scoring”
  • “two on one”
  • “hitting from behind”

Any other ones that I’ve missed?

1Proof, yet again, that I have the sense of humour of a 12-year-old boy.



Yes, it’s what you think it is. And it makes a great conversation starter, like when you are out for dinner, out clubbing on Saturday night or around the water cooler at work: “Hey, what did you do this weekend?” “Well, let me show you!”

Exciting features include:

  • full colour pictures of each position
  • detailed description of how to do the position, in case you find the pictures confusing
  • checkboxes to keep track of which positions you’ve tried
  • note pages to record important information about each position (like, “tried this with so-and-so,” “I <3 this position,” and “causes serious injury; do not attempt”
  • searchable by posture (including “standing,” “sitting,” “kneeling,” “from behind,” and “preliminaries”)

The Palmasutra – d ownload it to your Palm Pilot today!