I’m Never Going To Get To Sleep Tonight

WARNING TO DAN: DO NOT CLICK ON THE FOLLOWING LINK!!!!!!!! And this isn’t one of those instructions, like most instructions in life, where I recommend not following the instructions.

This link contains a news story with a horrible, horrible picture of a horrible, horrible spider. Even more horrible than the average spider, which is already horrible enough.

I was just perusing the news, as one is wont to do, and saw this horrifying headline: New “cave robber” spider found in Oregon.

OMG! Cave robbing spiders?? What does that mean?? I had to know, but I was also terrified to click on the link, because I knew they’d have a picture of the damn things and that they’d give me nightmares. So I made Devon click the link1 and scroll it so that the picture – which I knew would be there – wasn’t on the screen, so I could find out what the what. Apparently this spider, which was recently discovered in caves in Oregon, had to be given its own taxonomic family because it “evolved so distinctly”2 and is the first new spider family in North America since 1970 (!), is called a Trogloraptor which means “cave robber” because it has “fearsome front claws”. First of all, what do claws have to do with cave robbing? And secondly, holy motherfuckingshit, a spider with CLAWS? GAH!!! Like spiders weren’t bad enough with their eight horrible legs and their penchant for devouring human souls? Oh, and speaking of devouring, apparently “scientists don’t know yet what or how it eats.” What the fuck? Doesn’t it eat with its mouth like everything else in existence? Or do they mean that they don’t know if this bastard will suck your soul out before or after it devours your body? GAAAAAHHHHH!!

OK, now that I’ve sufficiently given myself the heebee jeebees thinking about the fact that not only does this horrific, clawed spider exist, but that there are possibly other, as-of-yet undiscovered horrible spider atrocities, I’m going to go watch my adorable frogs play and try to forget that I ever read about this. *shudder*

  1. Did I ever mention what a patient man Devon is? []
  2. Whereby “distinctly” they mean “horribly”. []

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Category: rants