Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


Computers Hate Me

Computers hate me.

First, it was my work computer. It started out when I called I.T. to ask them to figure out why I suddenly couldn’t print to one of the three printers in my office, which are shared among all the staff. It’s my preferred printer to print on, as the other black & white printer1 is at the front where the clerks sit and they often print on labels, so when I send a print job there, it sometimes ends up on a sheet of labels that one of the clerks has just stuck into the paper tray – so wasteful. I.T. told me that it would be simple to fix – the driver was corrupted, so they needed to remove it and replace it with a non-corrupt driver. But when they logged onto my computer remotely, they couldn’t remove it, no matter how hard they tried. A couple of different I.T. people tried, yet the driver would not budge from my computer! They could remove the drivers for the other two printers, but not this one. Clearly, my computer is haunted.

They also noticed that it takes eleventy billion years for my Windows profile to log onto my computer. I usually deal with this by logging on the moment I get into my office, and then taking off my coat, bringing my lunch to put in the fridge in the lunchroom, etc. etc. and by the time I’m done all that, I’m logged on. But the I.T. person said, “Oh, we can fix that.” And then they did a bunch of stuff and it didn’t help at all. In fact, one of the things they did was reset my Windows profile, and the next time I logged on, a whole bunch of files appeared on my desktop. Files that I had deleted A YEAR AGO. Clearly, these files are zombies, returned from the dead to eat my computer’s brains.

So the next step I.T. decided to take was to do a complete reinstall of Windows on my computer, which fixed my printer driver problem, but pooched my qualitative data analysis software, which reinstalled fine, but refused to be activated. Qualitative data analysis software, I might add, which I’m needing for a few of my high priority projects right now! Clearly, my computer is a vampire, sucking the activation-y goodness from my qual software.

Then, just to add insult to injury, the printer at the back – the one that started this all – went on the fritz and we can’t use it right now. I really wish I were making this all up, but alas a truer story has never been told.

So that’s just my work computer. But would you believe that two other computer systems, completely unrelated to each other, and both of which are for Big Important Things I’m working on, both screwed up royally on me? One had a major glitch whereby the work that I did appeared on my end to be submitted back at the end of September but was not received by the people who needed to receive it and I only found this out this week when I emailed them to follow up. The other system first wouldn’t let me enter any of the information I needed to enter at all and then, once I got that fixed, kept giving me error messages that my entry needs to be 1000 characters or fewer, even though my entry is only 995 characters. O. M. G.

How is it possible that this many computer issues could happen to one innocent young lady such as myself? Clearly, this must be some conspiracy of global proportions. I’m pretty sure the spiders are behind it. Or the zombies. Or, god forbid, the zombie spiders.

Image Credit: Comics are by – they are hilarious and shared with a Creative Commons license, because the creator is awesometastic. 

  1. The third printer is a colour printer and I only print on it on the rare occasions that I need to print in colour. Obviously. []


#16 – Dear My Computer

Dear My Computer,

Now is not the time to do the thing you like do where your clock, out of nowhere, starts running very, very, very slowly (for example, as I type this is it 1:11 p.m. and my computer says it is 12:57, depsite the fact that I *just* told it to sync up with the “Internet time server” about 15 minutes ago).  You like to do this to me periodically and then I end up late for stuff because I rely on that little clock in the bottom right hand corner of my screen and when I finally check my watch, I discover that it’s actually 45 minutes later than I think it is.  But you only do this periodically, so it’s not like I can just assume your clock is wrong, because sometimes it is right.

But now is not the time. I’m trying to publish a blog posting every half hour and you are making it very hard to do sice it takes you 87 minutes to move a 1/2 hr.  So stop it.  Just stop it.



  • I need a Mac.
  • I probalby shouldn’t have named my computer “Madam Pychosis

blog468x60 by you.Don’t forget to donate!

Read about the charity that I’m supporting, Options for Sexual Health!


A few random things

  • Remember how my couch cloned a pen?  While my desk at work is now in on the act – where once there was a single blue highlighter, now there are TWO:

IMG_4945 by you.

Seriously, I have no memory of taking two blue highlighters from the supply closest. Yet there are two blue highlighers on my desk!

  • Although I suppose it’s possible that it wasn’t the desk, but rather the new computer who is doing the cloning.  The new computer who I’ve named Chloe after Chloe O’Brian on 24:

my new desk & computer by you.

  • Chloe has been giving me some trouble.  I got her just more than a week ago and for the first week and a day I had her, she wouldn’t load my roaming profile.  After countless phone calls to I.T. and a process that was complicated by the fact that the email name change1 I applied for came through in the middle of all this, the problem was finally fixed… and somehow my email can no longer receive emails from people outside the organization.  I think Chloe may be possessed.
  • I may have bought two pairs of shoes yesterday.  It may be a bad thing that I discovered a Payless Shoe Store right next door to my office building.

sandals by you.IMG_4961 by you.

  • There are about 50 billion little green flying bugs that appear to have taken up residence in the bushes next to the door to my apartment.  They attack me every time I enter or leave my place. They don’t bite – they just fly at me.  It’s very weird.
  • 9 times out of 10 when I intend to type “interested,” I type “interesting” instead.  “I am interesting in getting some information from you about your program” or “I am interesting in applying for the position of scientist/social engineer/model with your company.” I think, deep down, I just think I’m interesting.
  • As you may have noticed, Smart cars are very small.  Like, they pretty much don’t have any hood beyond the front windshield, and there’s no trunk beyond the back window. Yet when I’m trying to park the car, I always think I’m really, really close to the car in front or behind me (when I’m actually several feet away from it) because I’m used to regular cars where the hood does extend further out.  My friend Jen B. coined a term for this: phantom hood syndrome.
  • Only in Vancouver will you find something like this:

hippie chips by you.

1I was originally assigned an email address with my real first name, Mary, in it. But since I’ve never, ever, ever gone by Mary, no one would ever find me in the directory with that name and it would cause no end of problems, so I submitted an application to have my email account changed to say “Beth” instead.