Not To Be Trusted With Knives

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Hockey Hotties – Fresh Meat 2011

I wrote the bulk of this posting on my flight home from Toronto back on June 24. But I needed to add some stuff in after the flight – stuffs that requires connection to the intertubes – and I was stupid busy once I got home, so I’m only getting to this now. This is why no one ever pays me – nor ever will pay me – to blog.

I’m watching the NHL Draft on my flight home from Toronto, thanks to the awesomeness that is live TV on WestJet flights. I’m writing this up offline, thanks to the unawesomeness that is no wifi on airplanes1. Anyway, despite the fact that we left late thanks to the baggage dudes miscounting bags and having to unload & reload them, I still managed to catch the first overall pick, just as he was getting on the stage.

Anywho, as is my custom, I am providing an in-depth analysis of the draft picks based on a single criterion: hotness.

1. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

  • drafted first overall, off to the Edmonton Oilers
  • he’s cute. Definitely cute. Plus he’s a Burnaby boy. I like Burnaby boys. Cute + local + number 1 draft pick overall rounds him up to “hottie” status

2. Gabriel Landeskog

  • Colorado decided to take a hot Swede with draft pick #2
  • hard to believe this kid is only 18 years old – he looks much older than that!
  • verdict: SuperHottie!

3. Jonathan Huberdeau

  • the Florida Panthers decided to take the first non-hottie of the 2011 draft

4. Adam Larsson

  • the New Jersey Devils apparently did not consider hairstyles when making their draft pick. This guy’s creepy hair and weird face make him decidedly a non-hottie

5. Ryan Strome

  • Garth Snow (no relation) and the NY Islanders drafted a not-hottie
  • he’s from Mississauga, the city next to my hometown.
  • also, the announcer during the draft broadcast2 said: “John Tavares and Ryan Stromme will make sweet music.” This was the first, but not the last, example of hockey porn during this broadcast!

6. Mika Zibanejad

  • having just been in Ottawa, I was interested to see who the Senators would get in the draft and I was pleased to see they took the half-Finnish, half-Iranian cutie
  • he speaks Farsi, Finnish, Swedish and English. And now he’s a Top 10 NHL Draft. Way to make me feel like a total slacker, Mika.

7. Mark Scheifele

  • the new Winnipeg team first officially revealed that they would be called the Jets, and then they took a guy that resembles Winnipeg in the winter – Not Hot

8. Sean Couturier

  • Philadelphia Flyers chose a non-hottie

9. Dougie Hamilton

  • the Boston Bruins3 took a hottie, but one who really needs to learn that a grown man should not go by the name “Dougie.” While he’s at it, he can tell that to Scottie Upshall.
  • what worries me, though, is that he sort of resembles the kid who played Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies before he turned uggoe, so there’s the threat that Dougie too will lose his hottie-ness as he ages
  • according to the broadcasters, this guy has a 94% average in school, including a 97% in calculus! Smartness is hot.

10. Jonas Brodin

  • another Swede with a bad hair cut was taken in the draft, this time by the Minnesota Wild. Verdict = non-hottie.
  • more hockey porn from the announcers: “they got enough physical on the back end”

11. Duncan Siemens

  • perhaps Colorado figured they couldn’t handle any more hotness after drafting super-hottie Landeskog, so they took a non-hottie in Siemens
  • also, this guy’s last name is pronounced “semens.” True story. How I wish I weren’t on a flight right now so that I could tweet the hockey porn potential of this guy’s name to Cath

12. Ryan Murphy

  • Carolina Hurricanes drafted a cutie. Way to go, Carolina!

13. Sven Bartschi

-My least favourite team, the Calgary Flames, took a someone who I can’t tell if he’s hot or not. When I watched on the plane, on the tiny TV screen, I thought “hottie” and in some photos from the interwebs, he looks kinda cute:

  • But in other photos – icky!

  • Leave it to a Calgary Flame player to be annoying like this!

14. Jamie Oleksiak

  • drafted by the Dallas Stars
  • not a hottie!

15. J. T. Miller

  • this uggoe is now a NY Ranger

16. Joel Armia

  • not a hottie was drafted by the Buffalo Sabres
  • best hockey porn statement from the announcers thus far: “there’s a display of his hand skills”

17. Nathan Beaulieu

  • this cutie is off to play for the Montreal Canadiens

Holy crap! They just announced that one of my fav hotties, Devon Setoguchi, was just traded from San Jose to Minnesota. Damn you, lack of intertubes access, preventing me from tweeting @janers22 about this devastating development!

18. Mark McNeill

  • tragically, the hated Chicago Blackhawks took a cutie. It’s such a shame my beloved Canucks will have to crush him along with fellow cuties Jonathan Toews and Pat Kane.

19. Oscar Klefbom

  • the Edmonton Oilers got to draft *again* and this time they took yet another hottie!

20. Connor Murphy

  • unlike the city of Phoenix where he’s headed, this guy is not hot

Now they’ve announced a trade between Chicago & Washington, but I can’t picture the only name in the trade  (Troy Brouwer, who was traded for a draft pick), so I’m going to assume he’s not a hottie4.

21. Stefan Noeson

  • Ottawa got to pick again! And this time they took a very not hottie.

Anaheim trades pick 22 to Toronto for pick 30 & 39. Guess Toronto really wants someone that they think will be gone in the next 8 picks?

22. Tyler Biggs

  • I guess the Leafs were just dying to get this non-hottie
  • Brian Burke says “We like hostile players.” Does he even know what “hostile” means?? I mean, I could see you liking someone who is “spirited” or “aggressive” even, but doesn’t “hostile” suggest that he’s a jerk?

Another trade! Detroit trades some picks with Ottawa.

23. Joe Morrow

  • Penguins take an uggoe. Clearly, they have reached their salary cap for hotness just by having Sidney Crosby on their team.
  • also, his name rhymes with “tomorrow”5

24. Matt Puempel

  • Freaking Ottawa gets to draft again?? This time they take a hottie again. I guess they are alternating between hotties and notties. Interesting strategy, Ottawa.

25. Stuart Percy

  • another non-hottie heading to Toronto – perhaps they are trying to corner the market on non-hotties?

26. Philip Danault

  • Chicago Blackhawks took a guy that I wouldn’t call necessarily call a “hottie,” but more an adorable little muffin! Which I guess is a *type* of hottie.

27. Vladislav Namestnikov

  • not a hottie
  • headed to Tampa Bay

28. Zack Phillips

  • an uggoe goes to Minnesota

29. Nicklas Jensen

  • *finally* my beloved Canucks get to pick someone!
  • and he’s not half bad looking to boot! Not the hottest guy ever, but he’s acceptable. It’ll deem him a hottie.

30. Rickard Rakell

  • And last in round 1 of the draft, we have a not hottie heading to Anaheim.

So there you have it folks:

  • 11 hotties
  • 18 notties
  • 1 undecided

It shall be interesting to see how many of these guys we see playing in the NHL in the next few years – and how many of them stay as hotties!

  1. It’s 2011, people. Why don’t we have the Internet on planes? Tubes aren’t long enough? []
  2. I think maybe it was Bob Cole, but I could be mistaken. []
  3. Sigh. []
  4. A quick Google image search tells me that I’m oh-so-right about that. Ick []
  5. I know. This is the kind of insightful analysis that brings you here time and again, right? []

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Hockey Hotties – Fresh Meat 2010

It’s sunny and warm today – just the type of weather that gets one thinking about hockey!  This weekend marks the NHL 2010 Entry Draft, being held at the Staples Centre in Los Angeles.  And, as has become my custom, I’ve done a thorough analysis of the draft picks.

First, what’s up with the names of these kids?  Picks #1 and 2 are Taylor and Tyler? Perhaps this makes me officially old, but when I was a kid, boys had names like John and Scott and Bryan.

Tyler Seguin, left, and Taylor Hall, the top two picks, pose for a photo before the first round of the NHL National Hockey League draft at Staples Center in Los Angeles Friday, June 25, 2010.

Tyler and Taylor.

Now, on to the more important things.  Taylor Hall, a left wing drafted by the Edmonton Oilers, and Tyler Seguin, a centreman heading to Boston, both =”hotties.”  Also, I’m pretty sure Taylor is Val Kilmer’s illegitimate love child.

NHL Draft Hockeyhttp://shhville.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/val-kilmer-20060626-140085.jpg

Taylor Hall (top), Val Kilmer (bottom)

The next picks six picks – Erik Gudbranson, Ryan Johansen, Brett Connelly, Jeff Skinner, and Alexander Burmistrov – all belong in the “not” category.

But then comes draft pick #9.  Hello Mikael Granlund, the 5’10” centreman from Finland, drafted by Minnesota:

http://www.junnut.com/kausi0809/kuvat/ka_pelaajia08/_MG_9471_Mikael-Granlund.jpg

Hot-tie!

Rounding out the top 10 is Dylan McIlrath, who doesn’t look half bad in the photo on the NHL draft’s webpage:

but looks extremely not hot in every other photo of him on the interwebs:

http://www.mjwarriors.ca/siteimages/Game%20Day/MAR1309/Awards10.jpg

So that’s three hotties out of the top 10 drafts picks. Not great, but it could have been worse.

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Hockey Hotties – Fresh Meat

Just in time to provide some relief to my hockey withdrawal, yesterday and today was the NHL draft!  In addition to bringing in a new crop of talent to the league, this also marks a new crop of fresh meat for my hockey hotties team.  This was brought to my attention when Darren scouted out the hotness that is Victor Hedman, the second overall pick  in the draft.  The picture isn’t Creative Commons licensed, so I can’t put it on my blog, but click the link.  Seriously, you won’t regret it.

Now, I have to say that I’m not overly impressed with his face, but that physique lands him a spot on my hottie list.

Other hotties that I noticed from the draft include:

  • Evander Kane from the Vancouver Giants, chosen 4th overall by the the Atlanta Thrashers.  No relation to hottie Patrick Kane of the evil, evil Chicago Blackhawks.
  • Scott Glennie from the Brandon Wheat Kings, chosen 8th overall by the Dallas Stars.  Also, his howntown is Oakville!
  • Peter Holland from the Guelph Storm, chosen 15th overall by the Anaheim Ducks.
  • John Moore from the Chicago Steel, chosen 21st overall by the Columbus Blue Jacket.

And last but not least, the Vancouver Canucks first round pick, Jordan Schroeder of the University of Minnesota.

Welcome to the big leagues, boys. We here at NTBTWK will be watching your hotness, er, skill development closely.