Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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One More Advantage To Being Short

Many moons ago, I made a list of reasons it was good to be short.  The list was, not surprisingly, short.  But I’ve just remembered one more reason to add to the list.  Being short means the ability to wear children’s clothing1.  Case in point: I wanted to get some of the nice Canada clothing that was made for the Olympics, but I was too cheap to buy it full price.  I figured that I’d wait ’til after the Olympics and see if I could get something for half price2 I knew there was a chance that all the good clothes would be gone, but it was a chance I was willing to take3  Anyway, I searched a bunch of Bays and Zellers after the Olympics were over (and so did my mom) and no good Olympic clothes for adults were to be found.  Lots of stuff for little kids, but nothing for grown ups.  And then I found this shirt:

It’s a kid size 14 shirt. I believe this means that I have the body of a 14-year-old. And for a $15 shirt with no PST, that works for me.

  1. and hockey gear. All of my hockey gear is junior boy’s gear, which is significantly cheaper than, though otherwise pretty much identical to, women’s gear []
  2. I may not have mentioned this before, but I am pretty cheap frugal. []
  3. moreso that I was willing to pay $60 for a hoodie. Did I mention cheap? []

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R.I.P. T-Shirt Hell.com

It is my sad duty to report that T-shirt Hell.com is closing up shop.  I’m assuming it’s my duty because T-shirt Hell.com has sent me this week’s e-newsletter, stating that they are closing, three times.  The same e-newsletter.  Three times.  Why else would they keep sending me that unless it was a not-so-subtle hint to blog it?  You may recall that Torsopants also recently closed, but then I saved them.  Alas, that save turned out to be a mere two month reprieve, as Torsopants was added to the T-shirt Hell.com site, which, as you may recall from earlier in this paragraph, is now closing.

You have until Feb 10, 2009 to purchase their T-shirts. This time, I’m pretty sure they are closing for real.  Either that or they are good liars, which is not totally impossible.  Anyway.

Some of the gems that I’ve purchased from T-shirt Hell.com over the years include, this one that I got for Tod for Christmas:

IMG_4376 by you.

…this one that I got for my friend Clayton for Christmas:

IMG_4375 by you.

He works for a video game company, which makes this extra funny.  Also, he thinks your mom is hot.

I got this shirt for Kalev for Christmas 2008:

IMG_4377 by you.

And this one I gave to Kalev the Christmas before (or perhaps it was for his birthday?):

rainbow.god.gay.sex by you.

Because no one is too young to have a shirt from T-shirt Hell.com, I bought this one for both Sarah & Dave’s son, Teddy, and Clayton & Jodelene’s not-yet-born son, Mason:

IMG_4379 by you.

And last but not least, I have the bestest T-shirt ever, which I bought for myself:

tshirt by you.

And since I can’t bear the thought of not purchasing one last T-shirt Hell shirt, I just bought the one that makes me laugh every time I think about it:

words on a shirt by you.

It was listed on their “Last Call” page, where they list shirts of which they only have a few left.  And they just so happened to have this design only in the small size of the women’s babydoll style, which is exactly what I wanted.  Which pretty much means it’s fate that I own this shirt.  So I bought it.  And now if you try to go to that shirt’s page, it says:

THIS PRODUCT IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE FOR SALE
This Product is unavailable at this time and we don’t know when it will be available again.
Please click here to view better shirts, you loser.

That’s right. I bought the very last one.  Yay me!

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(no title)

From the T-Shirt Hell.com e-newsletter that was sent out yesterday:

As you may know, T-Shirt Hell opened a sister site called Torsopants last year, that was basically a clothing company geared towards retards and undesirables. Well, Torsopants closed its doors on Dec 23rd and most people didn’t care.

But there were 2 people that were upset (Beth and Steve)…and because EVERY LOSER IN THE WORLD matters to us here at T-Shirt Hell, we’ve decided to bring Torsopants back! That’s right, each week, along with our regular new shirts, we will be adding new Torsopants as well, which will be located in their own section on the site. [emphasis mine]

Um, ya. So I was pretty sure that “Beth” was referring to me.  Because I *did* blog about how upset I was over the demise of Torsopants.  And if you Google Torsopants, I am the sixth hit.  And then I thought that maybe it was just my rampant narcissism kicking in, but then Chris tweeted @ me that he thought that was me, so I’m pretty sure that must be me, right?

So, yeah. T-shirt Hell noticed me.

I am not a loser.

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R.I.P. Torsopants

Yesterday, I received an email telling me about the untimely demise of Torsopants:

It is with great sadness that I announce, at the urging of Bilderberg, that I am closing the doors at TorsoPants.com at midnight December 23rd, 2008. I cannot get into complete details, but my higher masters have told me that my mission will be changing over the next few months and this is the first step in a series of movements I will make in my life to fulfill the prophecy that is Sunshine Megatron.1

This is very sad, as Torsopants is where I purchased one of my most favourite shirts:

DSC_5062 by you.

Here we are enjoying delicious lemon fake “chicken” at Lucky Creation in San Francisco:

IMG_3750 by you.

Oh, those were happy times, before my beloved T-shirt’s homeland was on the brink of death.  Poor T-shirt.

Now I’m trying to decide if I should buy this one2 before the 23rd:

solipsistic

Or possible this one:

with this arrow

Or this one:

words on a shirt

1For the record, they always say weird stuff like that in their emails. The fish.
2It’s funny because you have to look it up in the dictionary.