Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


Horcrux, Not Vampire

So I have found the culprit that has caused the vampire bite-like injuries that I told you about yesterday. And that culprit is a seemingly innocent looking necklace.

Sarah had suggested in the comments of yesterday’s blog posting that perhaps a new pendant might be to blame, but since I haven’t bought or made any new jewelry in forever, I dismissed that idea. But then I put on my purple necklace last night and thought, “Well, this necklace covers up my vampire bite quite nicely…. wait, it covers it up a little *too* nicely.”

I give you Exhibit A (click the “play” button for video demonstration):

My mom gave me that necklace ages ago and it’s never bothered me in the least before, so why is it burning through my skin now? Clearly, the only viable explanation is that Voldemort snuck into my apartment while I wasn’t there and turned my necklace into a Horcrux. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before. I mean, I am friends with Harry Potter, after all.


Why Do I Look Like I Was Bitten By A Vampire With Bad Aim?

So, yesterday when I got out of the shower, I noticed this1:


I have no freaking idea what it’s from!

I also have a bruise on my inner thigh from getting it with some chick’s stick in my hockey game on Wednesday, but I’m refraining from taking a photo of that. I wouldn’t want to sully my usually high class blog with such a tawdry thing.

  1. It actually looks worse today, but I don’t have time to take a picture as I’m writing this up super quickly and have to run out the door to hockey now. []