Not To Be Trusted With Knives

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Things That Pissed Me Off Today

Now that I’m gainfully employed, not only do I have to get up before noon, but I also have to wear something other than jeans & a T-shirt or my PJs. And since I have this complex wherein I believe that no one will take me seriously because I’m so short, I dress up in business attire for work to try to appear more like a professional and less like a kid. Which means heels. And nylons. Today, I have a bone to pick with nylons.

This is the size chart for a typical pair of nylons:


Do you notice anything funny about the sizing? Why the f is there no size “A” in nylons?? There’s B, C and D… but no “A”! I fall within what would be the “A” category if there was one. Basically, this means that, unless I gain 20+ lbs*, it is impossible for me to get nylons that will actually fit me. And if they had called the smallest available size “A” instead of calling it “B,” I might have said, “OK, I’m just an abnormally short person.” But they didn’t. They called the smallest available size “B” – it’s pretty much like they are saying “we know that there are people smaller than those for whom we are willing to make nylons – this is implied in the “A” category that we haven’t included – but we just don’t want to make nylons for you “A” people. Suck it, shorty!”

Why am I so pissed off about nylons you ask? Because I inevitably rip every pair of nylons I ever own, because they are always too big for me and I’m constantly having to pull them up, whereupon they rip. And so I spend a stupid amount of money buying friggin’ nylons. And I don’t have a lot of money because, despite being gainfully employed, most of my money is going to be going to pay off my student loans!

Speaking of which, that’s the other thing that pissed me off today. As you may recall, I had gone into the bank on the weekend to try to get info on paying back my loans, but they couldn’t get through on the phone to their own student loan centre, so they arranged to call me back once they had talked to the student loan centre. Here’s a list of the things that pissed me off in this transaction, in chronological order:

  • I get to my office after a meeting and there is a message from the bank to call them back. I call back and am asked, “Are you aware that we have a special account manager for health care professionals?” I’m pretty sure they asked me this because when they left a message on my voice mail, they heard that I’m “Dr. Beth.” I explained that I’m a Ph.D., not an M.D., but then I asked why health care professional get their own special account manager – do they get some special perks? “Health care professionals are very busy and can’t always come in during bank hours, so they have an account manager who can provide service for them.” Now, this strikes me as elitist. I have nothing against health care professionals, but other people are busy too!
  • I am then informed that the bank’s student loan centre didn’t have my updated addres, so I have to call them to tell them my new address. “Wait,” I say, “You have my correct address, but you don’t give it to your student loan centre? I’m supposed to tell them separately?” How was I supposed to know that? It’s the same bank, just a different office! And she was talking to them on the phone, why couldn’t she just tell them my new address??
  • I am also informed that she can give me an estimate of how much I will have to pay per month for Ontario student loans and how much for Canada student loans, but she can’t tell me how much I need to pay on each of the individual accounts (you may recall that I have 14 separate loans with the bank, because that’s how they handed out the student loan money – 2 or 3 separate loans per term). “Wait,” I say, “I’m expected to make 14 separate transactions every single month? Why can’t they all be put together?” “I don’t know,” she tells me, “You’ll have to call the student loan centre to find out what they can do.”
  • So I call the bank’s student loan centre. Somehow they have my updated phone number, but not my updated address. How is it possible that they got the new phone number, but not the new address? I mean, I got the new phone number on the exact same day as the new address! I know that I have never called the bank’s student loan centre ever before, so they had to have gotten my new phone number from the regular part of the bank… why didn’t they get my address too?
  • The person I talked to at the student loan centre seemed completely unaware of how student loans work, how they are to be paid off or what the loan forgiveness program is. She was unable to tell me if I have to make 14 individual payments every single month or not, and the totals she gave me for my Ontario and Canada student loans do not match what it says in my account on the OSAP website, nor do they match the numbers listed in my online banking. And from the length of time it took her to calculate these numbers, I’m pretty sure quantum mechanics were involved, which may explain why nothing in this whole situation makes sense.

*for the record, I am NOT going to gain 20 lbs for the sole purpose of being able to have nylons that fit me.

9 Responses to Things That Pissed Me Off Today

  1. Jorge says:

    Obviously you should quit your job and go into business making size A nylons.

    Might as well start making Q and Z as well, just in case you have friends that need those (Q = 4 legs, Z = trasnvestite pouches)

  2. Dave says:

    Regarding the nylons, there was an old SCTV skit about spray-on-socks. Or socks in a can. Or something. Basically, it was just a bunch of dudes spray-painting socks on. “Comes in black, grey, brown, and now—argyle!” I believe this same technology can be used for nylons.

  3. Kalev says:

    Oh my gosh that “healthcare professional” shit is totally ridiculous! What a crock of shit!!!

    And why is it that the people administering all these student loan programs are so moronically uninformed?

    But if you can, totally press them to consolidate that ridiculously high number of loans you have. It’s shameful and disgusting they would even bother to set them up that way and they need to fix it, pronto! It would save them hassle and money, too, not to mention you.

    I’m sorry 99% of the people in the world are so fucking stupid. You deserve better.

  4. Rebecca says:

    My problem with nylons is the complete opposite – aparently, women my height/weight aren’t supposed to wear them at all – maybe we’re supposed to stick with mumums and tube socks? They do make plus-size nylons, but you have to be 6’7″ to wear them, because I can pull mine up to my armpits when I deign to wear them.

    And it is possible for the loan people to combine your payments – you just have to keep at them.

  5. Beth says:

    Dave – not sure if you were kidding, but I’m pretty sure I have seen spray on nylons. For real. Problem with that is that, believe it or not, I wear nylons not only to hide the fact that I’m an albino, but also to keep me warm (I know they are thin, but they do keep you slightly warming than bare legs… at least in my mind they do!)

    Kalev – ya, I knew you’d freak out just like I did over the stupidity of it all.

    Rebecca – I’ll keep at them. And they better fix it!!

  6. Sarah says:

    Babe…you can get size A nylons. I have a number of pairs. I am looking at a package now – it is for those 4″10-5″4, 95-130 lbs. I get them in bulk at Costco, in both black and ‘nude’…maybe we can hit a Costco when I am out there or when we are in Calgary. It’s a great deal – 6 pairs of the ‘Silk’ sheer nylons for around $20. They’re control top, though.
    Do you want me to pick some up this weekend and bring them with? Tell me what colour and how many…

  7. hothead paisan says:

    (on an unrelated note, my captcha spells “yfukxha”. I think that might be a new swear.)

    Ill-fitting tights and nylons are a tool of the patriarchy to keep wimmin down. Seriously. You can neither climb the corporate ladder nor kick ass while holding up saggy tights with one hand.

    And in more seriousness, spray on pantyhose is a pretty awesome concept. Even though it was an SCTV skit first. I’ve tried it… I have a bottle sitting right here – “Vitamn K Airbrush Legs” by Sally Hansen.

    You pointed out one of the drawbacks already, Beth – unfortunately it doesn’t come in tweedy fiberglass-laden varieties to keep you warm (yet). The bottle does advertise that it is “optically slimming” (!) and good for hiding bruises (!?).

    The colours are ick. It comes in a bunch of shades of browny orange … skin tone for _somebody_. (Not anyone I’ve ever met though.)

    In conclusion, spray on pantyhose covers albinoness pretty convinicingly, and gives you that ugly beige pantyhose colour that says “my legs aren’t naked!”. Beyond that, it still has a way to go.

  8. Scott says:

    Very impressive on the nylons… if you have any questions about student loans, I work at a student loan company. Call me and I can help maybe. Just ask for Scott.

  9. Pingback: Adventures At Costco | Not To Be Trusted With Knives

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