Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese



So, I’m going to two weddings in the next couple of weeks and I’m really excited about both of them.

First of all, both couples are AWESOME! You know how sometimes couples are together and everyone is always (behind their backs, of course) like “wtf? why is she (or he) with him (or her)? She (or he) is way too good for that schmuck!” This is not the case with these couples – I can honestly say that I’m totally happy for both of the brides, who are getting awesome husbands, and both of the grooms, who are getting awesome wives!

Second, these two weddings are going to be about as different as can be. The first one is a traditional Indian wedding, meaning that I’m going to four different events, spread out over a week and a half, some of which will have 700+ guests. There’s a pre-wedding reception thrown by the bride’s family, a party where all the girls get hennaed, a wedding ceremony (plus a ceremony for leaving the parents’s house and another one for entering the new house) and the reception thrown by the groom’s family (and probably ten thousand other things I don’t even know about). I’ve never been to an Indian wedding before, so I’m very excited to experience it all (especially, the food! I *love* Indian food1!)

The second wedding will (most fittingly for a bride and groom who got engaged after climbing the Chief and who registered their wedding on the gift registry at Mountain Equipment Co-op) be outdoors on a property out in Langley, and many people will be camping out that way that night. I tried to convince the bride that she should do a keg stand at her wedding, but apparently it will be cans of beer, not kegs, so that plan was foiled! There certainly won’t be 700 guests (I think it’s something like 100-150, but I might be totally making that number up). And no guests are allowed to attend that haven’t met the bride and/or groom at least once (i.e., no bringing random dates just so you can have a date!). The idea is that the bride and groom want a great party with their family & friends, which is very in keeping with their personalities2.

All of this talk of guests and whether or not the bride and groom actually know all the people at their wedding is sort of getting mashed up in my brain with recent conversations I’ve had about Facebook (i.e., how some people only add their actual friends, whereas other people add anyone and everyone they meet (and sometimes people they haven’t even met)). And so I have a question for you, blog reader:

How many of your Facebook “friends” would you invite to your wedding? 100% of them? 50%? 10%?

1I was talking with Dave the other day and mentioned that the bride & groom are vegetarian, so I’m going to get a wicked good Indian vegetarian dinner, and he said, “Nice to see that your dietary lifestyle choice will be met.” (This was a reference to the MC at his & Sarah’s wedding, who cracked us all up when he said, “Vegetarians and vegans, please inform the waitstaff of your dietary lifestyle choice.”). I replied to Dave, “Yes, and my other dietary lifestyle choice too. Open bar.”

2 OK, as I’m proofreading this post, it almost sounds like I’m slagging on the one couple because they are having a less ornate wedding and/or slagging on the other couple because they are having a huge wedding with a lot of people that aren’t close friends there… but I’m so totally not doing that! I really am excited about the two weddings and just think the contrast is very interesting, not that one is better than the other.


Sushi Party!

Just got home from a sushi party. Wanted to post pics, but my computer is taking FOREVER to upload them to Flickr and I’m sleepy and want to go to bed RIGHT NOW. So suffice it to say that my girlfriends ROCK! We made delish sushi (not to mention Ali’s marinated strawberries and chocolate ice cream cake!); had good wine; talked about food, boys we are seeing, boys we are not seeing and decided we need to have an aphrodisiac party*. Too sleepy to post more now… I’ll post pics tomorrow, k?


*Yes boys, that is correct. A house full of hot women were discussing our need to have an aphrodisiac party in Sheila’s bed. Everything you ever thought happened when girls get together really is true.


One Week ‘Til The Half Marathon

If you were at a certain birthday party on the beach today, you would have heard the following exchange:

Person #1: So, are you guys carbo loading?
Person #2: Do bellinis count?

Guess which person was me in that conversation?


The Land That Vegetables Forgot

Start of our second full day in Calgary. Yes, we start our day at 11:35 am – do you have a problem with that? Actually, we’ve been up for a little while, feeding our Facebook addictions* and drinking tea and eating brekkie.

Oh ya, so Calgary has totally turned me into an environment-destroying monster. Yesterday when Dave and Justin went out to get us coffee, I forgot to give them my travel mug, so I used my first paper cup of the Roll Up the Rim to Win season**. And today I used the oven (as in the real, full-sized oven) to toast my English muffin. Before you know it I will be driving a stretch SUV.

As for the title of this post, I think you can guess what this means. It’s not called Cowtown for nothing, folks. But it’s OK, we went to Safeway and bought a bunch o’ food. Here’s a pic of the fridge when we’d been to the liquor store, but not yet the grocery store. See if you can spot the food in this fridge***:

Also, be sure to check out Dave‘s list of “things you didn’t know about Cowtown” – I’m sure you will find it insightful and informative. Especially the stuff about the boot stores.

*Except Justin, who thinks that all this computer stuff is anti-social and why aren’t we all just using messenger pigeons for communication and listening to records?

**For the record, I Rolled Up the Rim to Not Win.

***It’s sort of like “Where’s Waldo”.


Chuck Norris Parties Here

So we decided to go out to watch the game and just have “a few beers” on Saturday night. Ya, on Saturday night, which was St. Patrick’s Day. I’m sure you can guess how that ended! I can now confirm that (a) they still do give free shots to everyone sitting at the bar at Nevermind whenever a Canuck scores, (b) even emtpy-netters count, (c) I’m an extremely good luck in the Canuck of the game scores = free beer for everyone in the restaurant (I’m three for three on that front) and (d) I don’t do well with free alcohol. Oh yes, and Chuck Norris parties at Nevermind:


Think & Drink Green

I’m going to the “Think & Drink Green” beer garden tonight. It’s combining the joy that is drinking green beer for St. Paddy’s Day with raising awareness about sustainability. And I think they are raising money for something. However, much to my chagrin, I have discovered that I have *nothing* green to wear! What kind of an Irish girl am I?? OK, I’m off in search of some green ribbon to put in my hair…


Look Ma, No Wires!

I finally got my new laptop!! Despite Future Shop’s best efforts to keep me from getting it (first by insisting that the holder of the credit card (who is in Toronto) that paid for laptop show up at the pick up location (which is in Vancouver), then (after agreeing she could pay there and I could pick it up here) by twice denying her the opportunity to pay for the damn thing in Toronto via (1) their system being down one day and (2) having a lineup so huge that my sister waited for her whole lunch hour and never got to the head of the line the next day), they finally let her pay for it and then gave it to me without my even showing any ID! Seriously, I walked in and said that someone in Toronto bought me a computer to be picked up at this location, and they just handed it over!

Anyhoo, I’m composing this posting on my lovely, shiny new laptop. My Wifi-enabled beauty, meaning that I could be just about anywhere! The fact that I am sitting in the chair at my desk, right next to my desktop computer is immaterial! I could be sitting in bed writing this. Or in my kitchen! Or maybe even out in my backyard, seeing as it is sunny today! Or at a coffee shop! Or even at Nevermind, which has a fatport connection!

Also, the keyboard on my new laptop is bilingual. Did you know that the French version of “PgDn” is “P.suiv” or that the French version of “Alt” is “Car”?* Of course, when I set the computer up for the first time, there was a message when I chose “English” as the language I wanted to use that essentially said, “Are you sure? If you choose English now, you will never ever, ever be able to switch it to another language! Even if you do a complete system recovery! Even if you dismantle the computer into its component atoms and re-construct it, atom by atom, you will never be able to make it work in French. We swear! No fooling!!” So here’s hoping that I don’t want to use Windows in French!

OK, I should go now. I need to go for a run (yup, still training for the half marathon!). And then I’m off to school to get some stuff out of my old office (stuff I’d completely forgotten was even there!) and then to help set up for the Aggie Bzzr Garden. You may recall reading about the last Aggie Bzzr Garden. I’ll try to behave myself this time. But if I ride the mechanical bull again, I’ll be sure to sign my waiver “Lara Croft.”

*Damn, this keyboard is slightly different than my other one and I keep accidentally hitting the “Verr.maj.” key.


Birthday Bash!

As we all know, 29.5 is the new 19. Well, six months goes by fast, my friends, and that means that somebody’s 30th birthday is just a few days away. If you had asked me at the tender age of 29.5 what I wanted on my 30th birthday, I would have told you three things: (1) my Ph.D. (check), (2) my divorce to be finalized (check) and (3) to be living in California (not so much on the check). And while two out of three ain’t too bad, far be it from me to not score 100%. So I’ve revised #3 so that it now reads “(3) to go surfing in Tofino.”

For those of y’all who aren’t from around here, here’s a map:

As you can see, Tofino is on the west coast of Vancouver Island and I am under the understanding that the waves are wicked good this time of year. We’ve got a pile of friends (including some of my roommate’s friends (one of whom is also having a b-day this weekend) and some of their friends) and a couple of cabins (with hot tubs!). To those who think it is ill-advised to surf this far north in the Pacific in January, and to my mother who is sure that I’ll break my neck, I say “hush up you!” I can’t think of a better way to celebrate 30!

P.S. Should I be concerned that “Bear Aware” is one of the links on the District of Tofino website? Only time will tell.


Holiday Potluck

I was at a potluck on Monday night. Brought my cheesecake – it was a big hit! It was a little softer than usual, which resulted from a combination of putting just a splash too much Amaretto and taking it on an hour long bus ride, where the bus drivers were maniacs and the centrifugal force of them taking the corners at Mach 10 pretty much liquified my precious cheesecake. But it still tasted damn good, which is really what matters.

The party was lots of fun, but there were two particular points of interest that I thought I’d share with y’all. First, I tried Gløgg. And it was really good! Ordinarily, I’m not much interested in chunks of food in my beverage (bubble tea, I’m looking in your direction!), but I quite enjoyed the nuts and raisins in my Gløgg!

Mmmm, Gløgg!

Second, I thought you might enjoy seeing some of our entertainment for the evening. I’ve never put anything up on YouTube before and I just took the clips on my digicam, so the quality isn’t the best, but you can still tell what is going on:


The 12 Bars of Christmas

The date: Saturday, December 16th, 2006.

The premise: It’s Erika’s birthday. We celebrate by going to 12 bars in one night.

The rules: You must consume at least one drink per bar. You must finish your drink on time to get to the next bar on schedule, lest you get yelled at by the Pub Crawl Nazis (read: Erika, Paul and, eventually, Linda). Five, three and/or two minute warnings will be given, depending upon the time at which a Pub Crawl Nazi looks at their watch. You must sing the appropriate verse of “The 12 Days of Christmas” before leaving each bar.

The participants: Anyone crazy enough to join in. While some people did join us along the way at various bars (the schedule having been emailed out the week previous), only those who started at Bar 1 were truly cool.

The photographic evidence: First, a confession. I have shamelessly ripped off my photo idea from paid homage to Dave’s Movie Marathon 2006 photography – at each bar, I had someone hold up the appropriate number of fingers to represent the bar in question. Or at least I attempted to. It was necessary, because I knew I was going to be in no state to remember where the hell we were in these photos by the next day. Unfortunately, I am not as skilled a technical wizard as Jorge (read: I can’t figure out where on my computer my animated GIF program has run off to) so my photos are not in cool slideshow format like Dave’s are.

3 pm* – Bar 1 (E & P’s place). Of course, two people are showing number 1, which may lead you to believe that this is bar 2, which it is not. Clearly, the drinking has begun:

3:30 pm – Bar 2 (Bimini’s). Beth shows off a festive (and highly overpriced) Amaretto Sour*:

4 pm – Erika tells us it is Bar 3, as does Linda (again, making it look like it is bar 6, rather than Bar 3). Dave K. (who was only at bar 3) shows us his two beer, further confusing our numbering system. Oh ya, this is Hell’s Kitchen, which had by far the best Amaretto Sour:

4:30 pm – Showing that we are now at Bar 4 (Kitsilano Restaurant), with glass of House Red in hand.

We had the luxury of a whole hour scheduled at Kitsilano Restaurant, as we also had dinner there. And although we were surprised by how fast they could make 21 orders of chow mein, it did take slightly more than one hour. Which meant we needed to spend less than our 1/2 hr at the next bar in order to get back on schedule.

5 pm – Hence this photo:

The first few of us into Bar 5, Tatlows, started negotiate with the bartender: “We need 23 shots of something – what kind of deal can you offer us?” She agreed to make 23 Crispy Crunch shots. Which were then paid for by a total random sitting at the bar, with whom Leanne had been chatting. Said he was missing out on a holiday party that day, so he’d buy our shots and “Merry Christmas!” Merry Christmas indeed!!

And now we start to get creative! 5 shot glasses to represent Bar 5!

6 pm – Bar 6 was Darby’s.

Our fearless leaders, Erika & Paul, lead us in song. “On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six geese a-laying!” at Darby’s.

6: 30 pm – Bar 7 is one of my favourite bars – Nevermind!

7 pm – Bar 8 Lou’s. Christine is holding up 3 fingers, I swear! We may be on our 8th drink (shots of Jäger, ‘cuz they were on special), but we can still count!

I would also like to point out that I chatted up a hot boy, who took this photo for us:

7:30 pm – Bar 9
The Fringe Cafe. Nick is trying to look sexy. Linda seems to find her hand amusing!

Getting a bit behind schedule, and because The Fringe Cafe really can’t fit all 23 of us very comfortably, we opted for shots. Inexplicably, we chose shots of Jäger again:

8 pm – Linda’s sister, Krista*** joined us at Coppertank, and was thus our model for Bar 10:

8:30 pm – Bar 11Mark’s Fiasco – Apparently my photography skills are getting a bit fuzzy by my 11th drink, as I cut Erika’s hand out of the photo. =(

9 pm – Bar 12
and we can still do math! wOOt! Good times at the Reagle Beagle:

9:30 pm ’til late: After Bar 12, we decided to celebrate having survived this insanity by going to another bar – Lola’s. Where we played pool, danced and, unbelievably, drank some more.

Summary: I got the bright idea at some point during the night that I should figure out how many alcohol calories I actually consumed during thidebaucheryry. This morning, I still thought that would be a good, albeit frightening, prospect. And so, as best I can remember (using the photos as help!), I believe I consumed: a beer, an Amaretto Sour, an Amaretto Sour, white wine, Crispy Crunch shot, an Amaretto Sour, an Amaretto Sour, shot of Jäger, shot of Jäger, an Amaretto Sour, an Amaretto Sour, an Amaretto Sour, an Amaretto Sour, shot of Jäger, an Amaretto Sour. Using my diet analysis software and the wonders of the internets for research, I estimate this to be a whopping 1898 Calories!! Considering that my average caloric expenditure for a day is only 1748 Calories and I did actually eat food that day, I also estimate that I now weigh 500 lbs.

For those of you who prefer graphics to all this text, estimates my blood alcohol to have been:

To put that in context, drunk driving in most of Canada and the US is 80 mg/dL. Also from

300 mg/100 ml of blood – At this level most people will lose conciousness.

Now, in my own defence, I don’t believe my blood alcohol was this high. I didn’t feel nearly that drunk****. I didn’t puke, or even come close to puking. Nor did I pass out, or even fall over. I only sunk 1 ball in 2 whole games of pool, but I suck at pool, so I could easily have done that stone cold sober. Similarly, I may have knocked over the drinks of two of the three people who bought me drinks at Lola’s, but I am a generally clumsy person anyway. Jesus, do I sound like I’m justifying things here or what?

Best lines of the night:

I need your fingers” – in reference to the photos!

If you don’t look the other person in the eye during a toast, you will have 7 years of bad sex.” Response: “Oh my god, is that consecutive??”

E: “Hookups trump relationships” This was in reference to the priority list for who, of all the people crashing at E & P’s, would get the spare bedroom (a hookup couple would get priority over a relationship couple, which would get priority over a single person). My response to this: “I agree with that statement in every possible connotation*****

Conclusion: A fun time was had by all, even though it will take me at least 17 weeks of running to burn off all those calories. Anyone who didn’t do all 12 bars is a wimp. Better luck next year!

*Times are approximate… we pretty much stuck to the schedule, so the times are basically correct, ± 15 minutes.

**I was drinking Amaretto Sours for a very good reason – I wanted a drink that I could consume most of the night without getting alcohol poisoning. I thought that was reasonable.

***At least I think her name was Krista… I’m not good with names at the best of times!

****And clearly I was in the proper state to judge such a thing.

*****For the record, there were no hookups. Sorry to disappoint!