Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


Products That Didn’t Need To Be Invented

Chocolate Cheerios


Were people having trouble meeting their Recommended Daily Intake of chocolate, so we needed to put it in their otherwise healthy breakfast cereal?

Kraft Dinner1 crackers:


Why? Just, why?



When I tweeted this photo the other day, a few people pointed out the horrifying amount of unnecessary packaging for 4 pieces of fruit. And while I agree that the amount of plastic used here is ridiculous, what drew my attention to this product is that it’s an apple that’s been made to taste like grapes. Why the fuck would anyone make this product? If I wanted the taste of grapes, I would each grapes. It’s not like grapes are hard to come by. They are right next to the Grapples in the grocery store. I don’t want my apples to taste like grapes! I want my apples to taste like apples! I have never – and I’m willing to bet that no one has ever – bitten into an apple and thought, “It’s OK, but I sure wish it tasted like a grape.”

  1. For my American readers, “Kraft dinner” is what we can macaroni and cheese in Canada. Well, it’s what we call mac & cheese that’s made by Kraft. []


Products I Don’t Understand – London Drugs Edition

Yesterday, on my way back from my orthodontist appointment, I stopped at London Drugs to buy a doohickey that allows me to hook up Chloe, my beloved MacBook Pro, to a projector. You know, seeing as I start teaching my course tomorrow and I’ll be needing to hook up Chloe to a projector and all1.  Of course, then I also bought a presentation remote, some chocolate and some batteries – all of which I totally needed. Especially the chocolate.

But more importantly, I took some photos for you!  Because London Drugs is full of teh awesome.  Like this, the awesomely named “Purse Hooker”:


On the same rack as the Purse Hooker were the “Wear Once Panties”:


Because nothing says “classy” like panties you throw out after one use. You can even keep them in your Purse Hooker.

Less excitingly named, but equally lame, was the EZ Cracker:


First, is it really so hard to crack and separate an egg that you need to buy a large and cumbersome device that does this task for you? How often, really, do you need to crack and separate eggs that would make this a worthwhile investment? And finally, is it just me, or does that picture not show a yolk AND egg white falling into that bowl together? How exactly is that *separated*?

Another product that has one very specific, and likely very infrequent, use is this brownie pan:


Let’s take a closer look at this functionality, shall we?


Seriously, a pan that you bake your brownies in so that you don’t have to cut them? Have we as a society become so lazy that picking up a knife to make seven slices is too laborious for us?

Next up, is the Diva Cup:


Now, I don’t have any problem with this product itself – it’s actually a pretty good idea. Instead of filling our landfills full of feminine hygiene products, you can use this reusable cup. Very green. What I find weird about this product, though, is the little flower pin that you can see near the bottom of the package. Let’s flip over the box to see an explanation of what that’s about:

lapel pin

A Diva lapel pin?? Do they seriously think people are going to wear a pin on their jacket to make sure everyone knows how they collect their menstrual flow? Seriously?2

Also amusing was this bottle of “Diva Wash,” which was on the shelf next to the Diva Cup:

diva wash

I can use it to wash my face AND my menstrual cup? Hooray!

And finally, to finish this lovely tour of products and packages of awesome, a product that I actually did buy:


These batteries can last up to 30% longer in toys? Sweet!

Wait, are they talking about the same kind of toys *I’m* talking about?

  1. last year, I borrowed a doohickey – which I do believe is the correct technical term – but I needed to actually buy one of my own []
  2. For the record, because I know you are all now dying to know how I deal with my menstrual flow and I have no pin on my lapel to give you this information, I can’t use a Diva Cup because it’s incompatible with having an IUD. Or at least so the package tells me. I’m so ungreen! []


Hair Products I Just Don’t Understand

While looking for some hair product at the drug store – my new stylist was teaching me things I can try with my hair at my last visit to her – I came across some products that I just don’t understand.  And, of course, I photographed them to show them to y’all.

First up:

“Dirty Clean” gives you that “day after” effect.  Because apparently greasy hair is in now?  Why would you go through the hassle of washing your hair only to put some stuff in it to make it look like you didn’t wash it?  Wouldn’t it be easier to, say, just not wash it?


You can spray salt water in your hair to make it look like you’ve “spent the day at the beach.”  I don’t know about you, but my hair looks like total crap after a day at the beach.  I went surfing one time and it took three people to get the knots out of my hair thanks to the salt water.  So I think I’ll take a pass on this product.

And finally:

Ignoring the fact that playing on fat phobia with respect to hair is just too much, why the scare quotes around the “0” in “0 Calories”?