Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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England Has A Dirty Mind

I noticed pretty much as soon as I got to England that they use the word “cock” a lot. My first experience was getting on the Piccadilly line at Heathrow and seeing this sign:

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Because of where our hotel was, we took the Piccadilly line a fair bit and so repeatedly heard that we were on the Piccadilly line with service to Cockfosters. Which made me given. Every. Single. Time.

Other cocks we saw in England include the Famous Cock:

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Laycock Street:

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And this giant blue cock outside the National Gallery:

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But it wasn’t just cocks. There were also balls:

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and my personal favourite, Smallbone:

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My New Favourite Podcast

I’ve recently become addicted to a new podcast called The S&M Rants. Get your mind out of the gutter! S&M stands for Shane & Monica, the hosts of this show where they, well, rant. They rant about weird things they find on the Internet. They rant about news stories that are just so insane they make your head explode. They rant about bad writing and bad music and bad dates. They rant about whatever crazy stuff they feel like ranting about. Most of it is dirty. Oh, I guess you can put your mind back in the gutter now.

Now, Monica happens to be a friend of mine and though I’ve never met Shane1, after listening to a few episodes, I feel like I know Shane. Both of them, imho, are freaking hilarious and I just felt the need to share this little gem with all y’all. If you have a sense of humour like mine (i.e., that of a 12-year-old boy), I suggest you check it out. Check it out long time.

  1. At least, I don’t think I’ve met Shane, though I suppose now that I think about it, it’s entirely possible that I’ve met him at a blogger’s meetup or Northern Voice or some such place where geeky types like us are wont to hang out []

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I’ve decided to start planking. Wait, what?

For a while now, I’ve seen photos of Dan and Rick planking. And while I’ve always thought they were pretty cool, I’d never actually planked myself. That is, until yesterday.

Now that I’ve thoroughly confused you, let me start at the beginning. That being: what the hell is planking?? For the uninitiated, planking is where you lie stiff as a board (face down, fingers and toes pointed back, face expressionless) in some unlikely location and take a picture of it. Like this:

And this Globe & Mail article tells me that all the cool kids are doing it. It also told me that May 25 is Global Planking Day. Being that I have the sense of humour of a 12-year old boy, I decided it was high time to get my plank on.

But here’s the thing: planking can be dangerous. Apparently some kid tried to do it on a balcony railing and fell to his death. So I decided it was best if I try my first plank is a safe location. Plus, I didn’t have anyone on hand to take my photo for me, so I needed somewhere I could just set up my camera’s timer. Hence, here is a photo of me planking in my office yesterday:

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Of course, the whole point of planking is to do this in a public location, because it confuses the hell out of passersby and hilarity ensues. Now that I’ve planked1, I feel confident that I can plank publicly in time for Global Planking Day. All I need now is a photographer…

See also:

Image Credit: Image of random chick planing is from planking.me. The other photo is mine, obviously.

  1. Though, really, given that this wasn’t in public, it’s more of a proto-plank []

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BJOB

I was driving home from dinner tonight and as I got off the highway I noticed that the car in front of me had a license plate that started with “BJOB.” Knowing me like I know you all do1, I immediately (a) laughed and (b) thought, “I need a photo of that!!”  And, would you believe that I drove behind this car for the next 8 km, until such time as I had to turn off to go to my house, without hitting a single red light?  Seriously, the *one time* I want a red light and I get smoothly sailing clear across the city! So unfair!

Also, I will neither confirm nor deny that photos were or were not taken in a vain attempt to capture said license plate while in motion. This is how much I may or may not for you, my fair blog readers!

  1. i.e., sense of humour of a 12-year-old boy []

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That’s What She Said

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So I’m reading Monica’s blog and she’s posted about this site called the Random Logline Generator, which is supposed to give you ideas for stories.  As Monica puts it:

It’s set up to produce:

A career [+ sometimes another character] + what happens + occasionally where and where the action occurs.  It also sometimes adds traits/adjectives to the characters.

And then she said this:

Try it yourself.  It’s good for at least an hour’s worth of entertainment.*

Where the asterisk indicates “This assumes that, like me, you have the maturity of a 12-year-old and, quite possibly, don’t leave the house enough.”

OMG, I *do* have the maturity of as 12-year-old boy… I even have a tag on my blog to prove it1!  So of course I tried it.  And I would like to state, for the record, that when she said “at least” an hour, she did mean it was the minimum amount of time one would get sucked into hitting that “Generate Random Logline” button.  So now you’ll have to read a blog posting full of the inanity, because I’ve spent all my time reading randomly generated loglines and have nothing else to blog about.  Blame Monica.

IMG_0924Well, really, she should have seen that coming.

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Wait, the mailbomb is in someone’s mind? Or the barber is?  This is so confusing.

Also occurring in someone’s mind:

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Two women having sex in someone’s mind?  That would never happen.

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I think if anyone shouldn’t be gullible, it would be the wife of marriage counselor.  Also, that’s not how you are supposed to spell gullible.  Look it up.

Next up, what the %^&* is a “peanut teller”?  Because he’s showing up in THREE of my plots and sometimes he has two heads:

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And what is the peanut teller writing in his diary anyway?  A secret so perverse that he can’t even tell it to the peanuts?

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There is something so very wrong about the phrase “eternally-cheerful rapist.”

Apparently screenwriting guru Robert McKee says that you know a comedy will be a hit if you can describe it in one sentence and it makes people laugh.  If that’s true, then this next one will be a blockbuster:

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I don’t know why, but that one made me do a spit take.  And I wasn’t even drinking anything!

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An  ancient online burial ground?  Isn’t that called MySpace?

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This one had me picturing a women in bed with a skeleton.  “Wait a minute, you mean boners aren’t actally ….”

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Wind up what?  Their watches?  In an ancient burial ground in cyberspace?  Don’t leave me hanging!

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Goddamn lion, put on some pants already!

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Wait, weren’t they called the Vancouver Grizzlies?

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First of all, what’s going on in Boston that people are leaving as refugees?  Secondly, I need clarification – are they trying to pick up the alligators?

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I think we may have some gender confusion issues going on here.

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Never trust a player player.  He will totally play you.

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Wait, wasn’t that the plot of Full House?

  1. though now that I look it, I haven’t tagged nearly enough of my postings with it.  Tag FAIL! []

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And speaking of things that sound dirty…

Tee hee. Service penetrations are what you get from hot ciok.

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Heads Are So Priceless and Other Fun Lyrics

Yesterday’s posting got me thinking about a blog posting that’s been kicking around in my brain for quite some time, but that I’ve never gotten around to writing.  Here, in no particular order, are some of my favourite lyrics (I think you will sense a theme):

From “What’s My Age Again” by Blink 182:

Then later on, on the drive home
I called her mom from a pay phone
I said I was the cops
And your husband’s in jail
The state looks down on sodomy

From “Holy Virgin” by Groove Coverage1:

I am your holy virgin,
Be gentle all the time
I am your holy virgin,
I’ll blow your mind

I am your holy virgin
And if you touch me right
I’ll be your nasty virgin

From Alice Cooper’s Poison2:

I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name.

From “You” by Groove Coverage:

My emotions getting strong your heart be close to mine,
If I can be your girl tonight across your soul I’ll sign.

Would you say my name when I’m sleeping next to you,
And would you say it loud when I’m lying over you.
No one does it better no one loves the way you do,
As long as there’s eternity believe me there is you.
Would you say my name when I’m sleeping next to you,
And would you scream it loud when I’m lying over you.


From “Animals” by Nickelback3:

You’re beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It’s hard to steer when you’re breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth

From “She’s Not Me” by Madonna:

I just want to be there when you discover
When you wake up next to your new lover
She might cook you breakfast and love you in the shower
The flavor of the moment, cause she don’t have what’s ours

From “Cemetery” by Headstones:

Went down to the cemetery looking for love
Got there and my baby was buried
I had to dig her up
[and]
There’s only one point that I’d like to make
These kinds of things deteriorate
It’s the gospel truth man
She’s embalmed in love juice


From “Drugs Are Good” by NOFX:

1-2 fuck off, drop out, never trust a fucking hippie4
And for that matter don’t trust anyone.
[and]
Drugs are good, they let you do things that you know you not should.
And when you do ’em people think that you’re cool.

And when you do ’em people think that you’re cool.

From “My Alcoholic Friends” by the Dresden Dolls:

I’m trying hard
Not to be ashamed
Not to know the name
Of who is waking up beside me
Or the date, the season or the city
But at least the ceiling”s very pretty

From “White America” by Eminem:

(As you’ve probably noticed, most of they lyrics I like are just dirty.  But Eminem constantly amazes me with his talent with language.. here’s just two of many examples).

Until I met Dre
The only one who looked past
Gave me a chance
And I lit a fire up under his ass
Helped him get back to the top
Every fan black that I got
Was probably his in exchange for every white fan that he’s got
Like damn we just swapped
[and]
To spit liquor in the faces of this democracy of hypocrisy
Fuck you Ms. Cheney
Fuck you Tipper Gore
Fuck you with the freeness of speech this divided states of embarrassment
Will allow me to have

From “Tap That” by Megan McCauley:

I’m gonna teach you how to scream my name
You’re never gonna get away from me
Yeah, I kinda like that
I wanna tap that
You can bet I’m gonna get you (YOU)
Come over here and play with me
Let me be your dirty fantasy


I’m pretty sure that video got the lyrics right, but clearly the people working at various other lyrics websites didn’t see this particular video and resorted to a lot of guesswork as to what Megan was saying in this song.  A few examples of where two song lyrics websites disagree:

From Metro Lyrics From Lyrics Mania
Don’t play dumb you know you wanted to
feel my cup, that’s what we came to do
Really? Well, I guess maybe he does want to
feel your cup.
Don’t play dumb you know you wanted to
fill my cup, that’s what we came to do
I’m the boss, keep that in your head I’m no monster keep that in your head
Snicker.
Let me be your dirty fantasy Let me be your tiny fantasy
“Tiny” fantasy? What? Like a midget fetish or something?
Head to toe priceless Heads are so priceless

This is my favourite misheard lyric EVER!

1I would like to point out that this video appears to have nothing to do with this song. But I was worried that no one was going to rescue that poor singer who seemed to be inexplicably stuck in that phone booth, so at least they paid that off in the end.
2I’ve included the video of the Groove Coverage cover of Poison here for your viewing pleasure, because I like it better than Alice Cooper video. And it’s not as weird as the GC video for Holy Virgin.
3That is quite possibly the worst directed video in the history of music videos.  And the guy in the car just looks like a is a total douche nozzle, doesn’t he?
4That one’s for you, Dave.