Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese


NaBloPoMo Day 2 – My eyeballs are tired

Been doing some field work this week, so my team and I have been working hard at collecting lots of data and entering it into giant spreadsheets. This has involved very long days of staring at a computer screen – like, longer than my usual 8 hour day of staring at a computer screen and my eyeballs are so very, very tired. Right now I’m typing this without looking the screen (and just proofreading it afterwards so as to minimize looking at the screen right now!). I have at least eleventy billion emails that I should be answering (as I’ve been unable to do my usual emailing since I’ve been so focused on data collection), but I think they may have to wait until my eyeballs feel less like they are going to fall out of my face.

In tangentially related news, it snowed in Squamish today! Here is Zaphod Beeblebrox the Car covered in the white stuff:

Snow in Squamish


Stuff I Learned This Year: Car Part Edition

Much like the Plumbing Edition of Stuff I Learned This Year, this is a lesson I’d have been happy not having learned. It all started on my drive home from work on Friday – I was slowing down for a red light on Stewardson Way and my car jerked (sort of like it would if you were driving a manual transmission car and accidentally put it in the wrong gear) twice, and then as I stopped at the red light, it died. Like, it would not start. And I was on a busy road during rush hour! I put on my four-way flashers and called BCAA to get some emergency roadside assistance. Pretty soon, a couple of women came up to my car and asked if I need some help: “We can push your car around the corner and into this parking lot”. A guy from the business whose parking lot they were referring to, Kirmac Collision1, also came out to help push. Since I drive a Smart car, they were very amused at how light it was to push! I was so thankful that they took the time to stop and help me – no one wants to be the car that they talk about on the traffic report: “A stall on Stewardson Way is blocking the right lane, so there’s only one lane getting through eastbound and everyone just wants to be home already!”

The BCAA tow truck driver showed up in about 20 minutes, which is exactly the time the BCAA dispatcher had estimated (and was more than enough time for me to take over the Pokemon Gym that was there), and he was super nice. Here was where I learned the first thing of this adventure: the location of the battery in my car! Now, lots of things in Smart cars are not where they are in other cars – the engine is in the back and the ignition is in between the driver’s seat and the passenger seat, near the gear shifter, for example. Well, it turns out that the battery is located under the foot well on the passenger side! Also there was the tow hook for the car! I’ve never needed to check my battery before – it’s never been a problem. And the only other time I had it towed was when I had a flat tire and that time it was still under warranty, so I had Smart Car roadside assistance still, and they just took care of it. I knew the battery was working, as I could still roll up my windows and the radio was still working, but the tow truck guy tested it, and decided that I would indeed have to get it towed somewhere, because whatever was making the car not start wasn’t something he could diagnosis on the spot.

Now, I’ve never had any trouble with my car before and I’d only ever taken it to the dealership for its regular maintenance (while it was under warranty I had to take it there or else the warranty would be void and once the warranty was up, I just kept going there out of habit/being too lazy to find an alternative). Smart cars are sold at Mercedes dealerships, so you know that there is going to be a bit of a premium on their prices. But I really wasn’t prepared for how bad it would be!

First, when I called the dealership to say I was going to have my car towed there, they said it was no problem even though they would be closed for the night, the driver could just drop off the car and put the keys in an envelope with my name and number on it through the drop spot they have for just such occasions. However, the next day when the service guy contacted me, he was all “We have 68 cars with appointments ahead of you, so we can’t even look at it until Monday and I won’t do anything until you approve the $200 minimum fee to diagnosis it. Plus it is due for a major service appointment (replace spark plugs, belts, oil, etc.) and that costs $970. So with have halted everything until you approve the fees”. My first thought is “why is he making a big deal that other cars have appointments. My car died with no warning. Sorry I didn’t make an appointment for that!” And my second thought was “why would I approve $1000 of maintenance if I don’t know what is wrong the car? What if it isn’t even fixable and they just do all that maintenance on a car I’m going to throw away?” So I said I’d pay the $200 diagnostic fee, but not approve the maintenance before I knew what was wrong with the car.

IMG_4775On Monday, they contacted me with a diagnosis – the clutch actuator motor had died – and an estimate – $900 for the part, $800 for labour (including the $200 diagnosis fee). So in total they wanted $2700 + tax to fix my car, which is 8 years old and only worth about $4000 (if it weren’t broken!). So this made me an unhappy camper because I have a lot of more exciting things that I would want to spend $2700 + tax on, such as anything else. I would rather spend that much on pretty much anything else. Also, they would have to order the part of Toronto and it wouldn’t arrive until Friday, and that’s only if they placed the order that day (i.e., trying to pressure me to make a quick decision!).

So this is the major car part thing that I learned: what the heck is a clutch actuator motor? I knew what a clutch was from my years of driving manual transmission. When you drive manual, you step on a clutch pedal, which allows you to shift gears (or to start the car moving from a stationary position) – basically, stepping on the clutch pedal disconnects the running engine from the turning of the wheels so that you can shift gears; then you release the clutch pedal, which allows the engine to continue turning the wheels with the car in the new gear you’ve just selected2. However, Smart cars don’t have manual transmissions – they have something called a Tiptronic – with this type of transmission, you can shift the gears yourself, but you don’t need to step on a clutch pedal and if you fail to shift correctly, the car will just shift it for you so that the car doesn’t stall. In the photo above, you see that there is Park, Reverse, Neutral, and Drive, which in an automatic car and you can just drive your Smart as an automatic using those. If you want to do the shifting yourself, when in Drive, you push the stick over to the left (where the + and – are) and then you push up (towards +) and release to shift up or down (towards -) and release to shift down. I did this when I first got my car, but it just wasn’t as satisfying as driving a real manual, so I’ve driven it as an automatic after about the first month of owning. Anyway, the clutch actuator is a part that basically takes the place of the clutch pedal that you would step on to change gears in a manual transmission car. So, the fact that the clutch actuator died and was making my car not work was like insult to injury –  it’s a part that my car has because of a feature I don’t even use!

Anyway, I called a friend of mine who is into cars for advice and he said, “They are likely charging you a Mercedes tax. I know this other shop run by a good guy – they know their stuff and they are straightforward and charge fair prices.” So we contacted them and they gave me an estimate for all the same work (replace the clutch actuator and do the full maintenance service): $1200 + tax! So basically Mercedes was trying to fleece me out of $1500! So I called them back and said I would not be having them do anything more with my car – I would pay their $200 diagnosis fee and then have a tow truck come to take it away. He said it would take some time to put my car back together and he’d call me when it was ready. And then he called me back shortly after, said he’d talked to his manager, and since I’ve been such a good customer, they wanted to know what I was planning to do with the car3. I said that I was taking it somewhere else to get it fixed, where they are charging me a reasonable price and where they can get the part tomorrow, not Friday. He asked what the other place was going to charge me and when I told him, the guy says that because I’ve such a good customer4, they can match the price for replacing the clutch actuator ($1000 for parts & labour, instead of $1700), but he didn’t believe that the quote of $200 for maintenance (vs. Mercedes charging $970) could be right. “Are you sure it’s a full maintenance, with spark plugs and belts and everything? Are you sure it’s not just an oil change?” And I was sure, because I’d sent the shop the list of what was included in the list of things for maintenance. But he was all “nope, we can’t drop the price on that”5. And then he also dropped in that “We’ve found the part locally, so we can have it by today instead of 5 days from now”. At this point, I was just pissed off, and I said, “Well, if you can drop the price of replacing the clutch actuator almost in half, just like that, now I just feel like you were trying to fleece me! And that’s a very interesting coincidence that all of a sudden you found the part locally, once I told you that I taking it to another shop! I’m taking my car – please tell me when you have it reassembled so I can tell my tow truck driver it’s ready.”6

So that was Monday. They didn’t have my car reassembled until the next morning, but I got a tow truck to take it to Deckers Auto in Burnaby, who had the car fixed and all the maintenance done in about 24 hours, and the cost was right on what they’d estimated! And to put a cherry on top, when I got there, the guy was super friendly and helpful, he showed me the parts that had been replaced and explained what was wrong with them, and basically treated me like I was a person capable of understanding information about cars (which many mechanics do not do when they speak to women.). He also told me that my car is in great shape, so I shouldn’t have to worry about it for quite some time! I was just so pleased with their service and I will be definitely going back to them for all my maintenance from now on. If you are ever looking for a great auto shop, I highly recommend them!

Reflecting back, I have a lot of people to thank for helping me out in this situation:

  • the two lovely women who stopped to help me out when I was stalled in traffic, along with the lovely gentleman from Kirmac who helped them push my car. Also, the other nice guy from Kirmac who came out while I was waiting for my tow truck to make sure I was OK
  • the friendly and professional BCAA driver who came for emergency roadside assistance
  • my friend Tig who gave me a ride to our hockey game that night!
  • my friend Randy who recommended Deckers Auto and who talked with me through my options
  • the amazing mechanics at Deckers Auto who treated me fairly and professionally and who charged me a fair price for the work they did
  • my Dad, for teaching me about how cars work
  • my sister, for pointing out that my Dad’s legacy lives on through our tendency to call people out on their bullshit

Here’s a video of how a manual transmission works, in case you are interested:

Image Credits:

  • Cross section of Smart car showing engine location is from Wikimedia Commons shared with a Creative Commons license.
  • Gear shifter in my Smart car photo was taken by me!


  1. Those of you from New West may be noting that Kirmac just so happens to be right next to New West’s craft brewery, Steel & Oak. And if I didn’t have a hockey game to play later that evening, I definitely would have meandered into S&O’s tasting room for a pint after the tow truck took my car away! []
  2. Here’s a simple explanation, if you are interested: []
  3. At this point, I was assuming he was going to try to sell me a Merc. []
  4. Interesting that they didn’t seem to care that I’d been such a good customer until I was threatening to leave! []
  5. Of course, he couldn’t drop the price on that because then if I came back for my next service appointment, they wouldn’t be able to charge me the hundreds of extra dollars anymore! []
  6. I was telling my sister this story and said that I wished Dad was here to help me deal with this car stuff – he is the one who taught me all the things I know about cars – and she said “It seems like he is. What you said to them was such a Dad thing to say!” I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! []


Debt Free

Yesterday, I paid off my car loan. Which makes me 100% debt free!

While not quite as thrilling as the time I paid off my student loans, as my car loan was less than a quarter of my student loans, it still feel pretty good to have that monkey off my back.

Look how pretty this is:

Car Loan Paid Off!

And now I own my shiny Smart car outright. Huzzah!



This happened today:


For the record, there are three instances of 666 in that number.

It seems like only yesterday 1,333 days ago, I only had 666 km on my car! They grow up so quick.



Zaphod Gets A New Pair of Shoes

Today was the day that I took my beloved Zaphod Beeblebrox the Car into Kal Tire to get her new tires, which, for a car, is like getting a new pair of shoes, except ones you have to wear nonstop for 3.5 years and nearly 65,000 km. And they cost $700.

I was going to take a photo to show y’all, but they look exactly the same as the old tires. Rather disappointing for a new pair of shoes. On the plus side, I feel much safer now that I have tires with tread!

In tangentially related news, I have this song in my head:


Car Detailing

Also, I recently detailed my car. OK, someone taught me how to detail my car. OK, actually, someone who loves cars detailed my car for me and I sort of watched. And here’s the thing about car “detailing” – it’s just another word for cleaning. I’m assuming that they had to invent a different word for it because a guy would never admit to enjoying cleaning. But really, it just means cleaning your car like you have OCD. I think from now on I’ll be calling it “detailing my apartment” instead of cleaning.

And here’s the other thing about car detailing: it actually makes a surprising difference to your car. We used the best of the best cleaning detailing products and they really did make the inside of my car shine. And smell good. And honestly, it makes it seem like your car is better after you are done detailing it. So now I think I’m kind of into detailing my car. Which is just awesome, because I barely have enough time in my week to do things like feed myself and ensure I have clean clothes to wear, so adding on another time sink into my life is a great idea.


I Drive A Lot. And A Review of Fuelly.

I took my beloved Zaphod Beeblebrox the Car in for its 45,000 km service appointment this week, so I figured it was as good a time as any to write an update about my beloved car. Also, it gives me a chance to tell all y’all about the new fun website I’ve been using to track my gas usage (spoiler: it makes graphs!)

Ever since I got my car, I’ve been tracking my mileage. To do this, I’ve been using a handy dandy spreadsheet1. And because of this, I can easily tell you that in the 2 years and 2 months that I’ve owned my car, I have:

  • driven 45,609 km2 – that’s an average of 57 km per day!
  • used 2,839L of gas
  • spent $3,656 in gas and about $1,300 in other car maintenance-related expenses3

But I was recently introduced to Fuelly 4, a website that tracks your mileage for you… and gives you pretty graphs and infographics! Being a graph-loving nerd, I naturally had to try it out. Fortunately, Fuelly lets you import data so I could just import the data I’d been tracking on my handy dandy spreadsheet and viola – graphs!

fuelly 1

fuelly 2

fuelly 3

fuelly 4

Aren’t they pretty?

If you are interested in my ongoing tracking of Zaphod’s mileage – and who wouldn’t be, really? – you can “follow” me on Fuelly.

  1. Spreadsheets. Is there anything they can’t do? []
  2. For my American readers, that’s 28,340 miles []
  3. e.g., regular service appointments, deductible for replacement windshield, replacement of flat tire. []
  4. As per usu, I have no affiliation with Fuelly other than that I use their free service []


My Shiny New Bike! It’s Shiny!

I finally found a hybrid bike that fits in the trunk of my Smart car! And it’s shiny and new and fun to ride and it’s sitting in my apartment right now because I bought it on Saturday! Item #73 on my list of 101 of things to do in 1001 days, consider yourself crossed off that list!

The bike that I ended up buying is the Cannondale Quick 3. It’s a sweet little hybrid with a carbon fibre fork, two quick release wheels, and a whole lot of awesome.

My new bike (Cannondale Quick 3)

Look how pretty it is!

The best part, of course, is that I can fit it in the trunk of my Smart car!

Cannondale Quick 3 - It fits in the trunk of my Smart Car

Thankfully, I’m very short, so my bike is the “petite” model (which is what Cannondale apparently calls their “extra small” bikes.), which means its small enough to fit into my trunk. The quick release wheels take just seconds to remove and it’s really light, so it’s super-easy to get it in and out of my car.

Of course, once you buy a bike, you have to buy a few accessories to go with it! Fortunately, I happened to have a gift card to Mountain Equipment Co-op, so I went there to buy the things I needed. Things like:

Bike lock

A bike lock

Bicycle pump

A bicycle tire pump

Water bottle cage for my new bike

A water bottle holder

Coffee Thermos

A thermos that seals tight and fits into the water bottle holder, in order to bring my coffee to work on days when I bike!

I probably should get a few other things, like some lights and such, but I figure that we are still having fairly long days, it allegedly being summer1 and all, so I have some time before I need to figure that out. Because I have to say that this shopping for bikes and bike accessories has really made me feel like there are too. many. choices. The options for types of bikes2 and features on those bikes3 and what those bikes are made of, etc. – were rather overwhelming. And then I went to MEC and there were eleventy billion options for locks and pumps and really I just wanted someone to tell me what to buy! Anyway, I’m pretty happy with what I got, so it’s all good.

Last night, I took it for its inaugural ride4 – a quick trip around the block and have to say it’s lots of fun to ride:

My first bike ride

I’m looking forward to taking her out for some longer rides – perhaps a seawall trip in the near future? As well, I’m planning to ride her to work when I can – the beginning of this week doesn’t look good for that, as I have meetings I have to get to and thus will need my car. But perhaps Thursday or Friday I will be able to!

Also, I need to think of a good name for my bike5. Any suggestions?

  1. I say “allegedly” because, although the amount of daylight we get and the date on the calendar suggests it is summer, our weather is decidedly autumnal. []
  2. road, mountain, hybrid, commuter, fitness, cyclocross, etc. []
  3. Do you want disc brakes or V brakes? Internal gear hubs or derailleurs? etc. []
  4. Well, its inaugural ride as *my* bike. I did take it for a test ride before I bought it and I’m sure others test road it as well. []
  5. My car, of course, is named Zaphod Beeblebrox the Car []


Flat Tire Is Flat

So when I got to work this morning, one of my coworkers, who was also just arriving, rushed up to my car. “You have a flat tire!” she said. And flat it was!

Flat tire is flat

Now, you may have noticed that Smart cars are very small. But did you know that they are so small that they don’t come with a spare tire, because there is really nowhere to put it? So I called the “Smart Move Assistance” line – that’s the name of the roadside assistance that comes with your Smart car. The guy on the phone told me that since Smart cars don’t have spare tires, they’d have to call a tow truck driver to take me to the dealership to get it fixed or replaced. I was *supposed* to be going to Langley today to run a couple of focus groups, so I had a bit of a scramble calling a manager to get her to contact the attendees – the list of whom I had to find in my email on the web browser on my phone – to tell them *not* to go to Langley, since I wouldn’t be able to get there. Because *of course* this couldn’t happen on a day when I didn’t need to drive somewhere.

So the tow truck driver showed up and put my poor baby car onto his truck, like so:

Poor baby Zaphod

I opted to go with the tow truck driver to the dealership, because I really didn’t have another way to get to the dealership to pick up my car1. Plus, since there was to have been a bit of spare time in between the two focus groups that I was intending to go to, I had some work in my bag that I could work on while I waited, so it didn’t really matter much if I was doing that at the dealership or in my office.

Now, the tow truck driver was an interesting fellow. First, he was freaked out that I was in such a “dangerous” area full of “crackheads” and “did you see all the hookers just over there?” I was at King George Boulevard2 and 72nd, which, for my readers who are not from Surrey3, isn’t exactly the scariest part of town. I mean, I go there every day for work and have never felt the least bit scared4. Also, there is a police station within spitting distance. But apparently he figured he arrived just in time to save my life. During the brief drive to the dealership, he managed to fit in several rants, including one about his ex-wife who is now engaged to his ex-best friend and one about Asian drivers5.

At the dealership, I learned that replacing one measly Smart car tire costs almost $300! WTF? That’s a lot of dollars! They did clean and vacuum my car, which is something that I’ve been meaning to do since forever. So procrastination FTW!

Terrible "cappuccino"

Terrible “cappuccino” from the machine at the dealership.


What I was reading while I waited for my car to be fixed.

While I was there, I also asked about the cost of a Smart car bike rack, given that I’m seriously considering buying a bike. Would you believe that a bike rack for my Smart, including installation, costs nearly $1000?!6.

And to think just this morning I was thinking “I have no idea what to blog about today!” Be careful what you wish for, Bethy!

  1. I mean, I suppose I could have asked a coworker for a ride, but my coworkers are all very busy! []
  2. of Broken Dreams []
  3. i.e., all of my readers []
  4. Except that one time I decided to go to the nearby liquor store on a Friday evening. That time, I did think I was going to be murdered []
  5. Bitterness *and* racism! Together at last! []
  6. This prompted me to do some Googling this evening and I discovered that you can buy a bike rack designed for Smart cars that you can install yourself. Will still probably run me several hundred, but not a thousand! []


Happy Belated Car-iversary To Me!

I can’t believe I forgot my own car-iversary! It was two years ago yesterday that I brought my bouncing baby Smart car home from the dealership.

My car:

Black Cars Look Better In The Shade

Clearly, I’m compensating for my giant IQ.

Happy car-iversary, Zaphod Beeblebrox the Car!