Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese



OK, so it’s not technically summer until Friday, but you’d never know it from the weather we’ve been having. It’s sunny and warm and the sun is up until nearly 9:30 pm.

Things I’m excited about for the summer, in no particular order:

  • The New West Grand Prix – watching professional cyclists ride around and around and around and around my home is actually a lot more exciting than one might expect. Plus my gym will have beer and snacks
  • playing tennis – Scott and I bought some tennis rackets that were on super duper sale at a sports store that was closing down, right before I sprained my MCL. And while the MCL healing has been going slower than I would like, it’s definitely getting better. So much so that I’ve been able to play hockey with a knee brace – so I think I’ll give tennis with a knee brace a try too!
  • the New West Farmers market – while the Farmers Market in New West runs all year, the winter market is uptown on Saturdays and somehow I never manage to get all the way uptown! But the summer market is at City Hall, which is just a short walk (up a very steep hill) from me on Thursday afternoons/evenings. I haven’t gotten out there for the first few weeks, but I’m planning to go soon.
  • canning/jamming more stuff – my friend Patricia has some pear trees near here that have those most amazing tasting pears EVER. I can’t wait until they are ready because I’m going to pick some and can them!
  • tackling stuff from my 2019 goals list – I am VERY behind on my goals for this year (I blame teaching too much in the January semester), but now that that is behind me (along with all my work travel for May), I can actually do some of that stuff
  • Fridays on Front Street and the New West StrEAT Food Truck festival – two New West traditions. I have a couple of friends who are moving/have moved to New West this year, so I’m excited to indoctrinate them into our New West ways
  • hiking – every summer I say I’m going to do more hiking. Hope springs eternal!

I also have a bunch of vacay that I need to book, but I don’t really want to go away when it’s so nice out and there’s so many fun things going on. Perhaps I’ll take some days off to do stuff around here (especially if a certain friend of mine comes to visit and wants to jump out of a plane with me, as we may or may not have previously discussed).

And maybe I’ll look at the fall for a trip somewhere…


Not To Be Trusted With Irons

So the other day I decided that I probably should do some ironing, given that I had a tonne of wrinkly clothes hanging in my closet that weren’t getting unwrinkly on their own. Now, I don’t have a very good track record with ironing. The last time I attempted it, I broke my coffee table’s glass top and it cost me $130 to replace it. Long story short – I assumed the glass table top was made of tempered glass, but, as it turns out, it was not. So when I put a towel down on the table and started ironing, I very soon heard a loud crack and the table top was cracked into several pieces. To add insult to injury, it cost nearly as much to replace the table top ($130) as it had to buy the whole table ($150)! At least I know that this new table top is tempered glass, though I definitely won’t be ironing on it!  I have since purchased a small ironing board, so I was confident that I could pull off this feat of domestic achievement without incident. Spoiler alert: I could not.

I managed to get most of the ironing done, but then I reached across the grab something and accidentally touched my arm to the iron. For the record, this is not something I recommend that you do. You know, in case you were thinking of trying it. This is what my arm looked like right after the incident – well, right after I’d spent some time running cold water over it:

Day 233


I thought I saw a blister starting to form (you can’t really see it in the above photo), but it was really just the actual burn I was seeing – the red splotchiness surrounding it went away by the next day, revealing the spot where I’d touched flesh to burning hot steel. This is what it looked like on the 3rd day post-burn:

Day 236


The office I work in has a bunch of physicians in it, so I asked one of them for their expert medical opinion: “This looks like it’s healing OK, right?” He concurred with my diagnosis, so I’m two-for-two on diagnosing my self-inflicting (but accidental) injuries.

Just to add insult to injury, however, earlier this evening I was playing with Watson and he accidentally scratched me. On the arm. Right on the burnt part of my arm. You can actually see the scratch mark on the bottom left side of the burn:

Day 239It hurt like a mofo.

In related news, does anyone have advice on how to clip cat nails1?


  1. Or know any single guys that really love to iron? []



And while we are talking about my exercise goals, let’s take a look at how I did on my pushup goal!

Goal: 1,300
Completed: 1,385

Success! I completed 107% of my goal! Luckily, I did a *lot* of pushups early in the year (see Figure 11 ), as my hockey-related hand injury put me out of pushup action for quite a while2. In fact, I hurt my hand on October 27, and though it feels fine normally, when I did some pushups this week, it totally hurt. Boo-urns.

pushups 2013

Figure 1: Monthly count of pushups for 2013

Hopefully it will feel better in the new year, as pushups are such a convenient way to do something for my upper body, as all my other exercises – running, biking, hockey – are lower-body ones.

  1. I haven’t yet graphed my running and biking numbers, as there is a chance I may run and/or bike before the end of the day on Tuesday. []
  2. Also, as the graph reveals, my enthusiasm for pushups dropped off mid-year, long before my hand injury. []


My Lifelong Fascination With Left-Handedness

When I was a kid, I really, really wanted to be left-handed.  I’m not sure where the fascination for this came from, but I do know that my sister is left-handed and I thought it was cool.  When I got bored in school (which was often!) I would practice writing with my left hand to entertain myself (yes, I’m easily amused) and I actually got pretty good at it.  My mom grew up in Quebec, going to Catholic school and in those days, when she tried to write with her left hand (as was her natural inclination), the nuns would hit her hand with a ruler. Because, you know, it’s a sin to write with one’s left hand, devil child!  So she writes with her right hand now, but she was really born a southpaw.

Although my right hand is the dominant one for most things for me (e.g., writing, eating, brushing my teeth), I play sports like a left-handed person (mostly).  I play hockey left, bat left, I golf left – but I throw right.

Anyway, for the past two days I’ve had my right hand wrapped up – half because compression is good for the strain and half because it serves as a reminder for me not to lift things with my injured hand.  And not at all because it’s good for getting sympathy (I can’t believe you’d even suggest that!)  I’ve even moved my mouse to the left side of my keyboard.  And, you know what?  It sucks.  I want my right hand back!  I’m so much more efficient with it!


My Best Excuse Yet

So, Sunday is the day that I’m supposed to write my entry in my BC Premier series1.  And I know you are dying to hear about all the high jinks2 that Charles Augustus Semlin, the 11th Premier of BC, got up to during his crazy3 time in office. But I have a very good excuse as to why I’m not writing my entry today:

IMG_4374 by you.

My wrist hurts.  In fact, it’s hurt since last week’s hockey game, when I think I must have fallen on it funny.  And, since it’s my right hand that hurts – the hand I write with, the hand I mouse with – I haven’t really rested it during the past week. And now, after tonight’s hockey game4, it hurts more.  So I’ve made the drastic move of wrapping it in a tensor bandage. And I have plans to sleep with an ice pack (which I also did last week).  And I’m typing this with one hand.

And thus, I am not doing tonight’s scheduled entry in my BC Premier Series.  But that’s a pretty good excuse, right?

1And I do at least 50% of the time.
2I have no idea if there were high jinks, as I have not yet done my blog posting on him.
3Similarly, I have no idea the level of craziness, if any, of his time in office.
4Which we won 4-0, btw.


Stupidest Tongue Injury Ever

Picture it. I’m sitting in my office, chewing some gum and, out of nowhere, I bite my tongue. But not only do I bite my tongue – oh no, that wouldn’t be ridiculous enough. I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds. Profusely.

You’d think that with 31 years experience, I’d be able to have my own tongue in my own mouth without biting it.  You’d think.

I would like to point out, in case you are ever considering biting your tongue so hard that it bleeds, that it’s very difficult to put pressure on one’s tongue in order to stop profuse bleeding.  I mean, I grabbed a tissue and applied pressure, but then the tissue just all sticks to your tongue and it’s all “Ick, I’m eating a Kleenex now!  A bloody Kleenex from my profusely bleeding tongue.”

Also from the too much information department, some photos of said injury:

Today’s episode of stupidity has been brought to you by the letter I1

1as in, I am a jackass.


Stupidest Toe Injury Ever

Today, on the way to work. My flip flop flipped when it should have flopped and, as a result, my big toe scraped along the ground, taking a big chunk out of it in the process.

This incident of stupidity has been brought to you by the letter J1

1as in, I am a jackass.