Not To Be Trusted With Knives

Products That I Just Don’t Understand III

November 3, 2009 by Beth

In transferring all my files from my old computer to setting up my new MacBook Pro ((which, did I mention, I totally love?)) and playing with iPhoto ((which I love so much that I would marry it, were such a thing legal)) I discovered some pictures that I clearly scanned from pages that I clearly ripped out of the SkyMall magazine on some trip – I’m guessing it was my trip to Mexico last Christmas, because I don’t think I’ve been on any other flights to the US since then.  Because any time I go on a flight to the US now, the first thing I do is flip through the SkyMall catalogue to find out what kind of insane products they are trying to sell now.  And it appears that I haven’t blogged them yet so, for your blog reading pleasure I give you: Products That I Just Don’t Understand, Part 3:

As always, there has to be a “world’s largest” something in SkyMall.  In this case, it’s the so-called “World Largest Write-On Mural Map”:

But really, how do they know that it’s the largest map that you hang on a wall on which you can write on in the whole world? ((I had to look up “mural” because I realized that I didn’t really know what it meant, but it just means “executed on or affixed to a wall”)).  And how do they know that it’s the “only accurately detailed, eight-colour 2006 mural of the world”?  Maybe someone else with way too much time on their hands also made one of these.

But what to write on your world’s largest mural map?  Maybe you can trace the route you drove in your fancy new car…. which lives in a car bubble:

I’m sure if you have a really expensive car, this product might make sense, but owning this product would make you look like a douchebag.

Next up is the “laser guided pool cue”:

Now, if the laser showed you where your ball would go after you hit it, like what angle it would come off of the wall and thus allow you to line up your shot so that you’d know your ball would hit the wall, bounce of and strike another ball, which would then go into the hole – well, that would be awesome. But it appears that this laser just shows you where you pool cue will touch the cue ball when you hit it.  Um, isn’t it obvious? Can’t you just *see* where you are going to hit the ball??

Have money burning a hole in your pocket?  Why not buy this totally useless product?

“With a touch of a button, you will have an ice-cold can of soda or beverage.”  Or, you know, you could just put your pop in the fridge like a normal person.  And why, exactly, did they choose “10 cans” as the limit?  Don’t pop and beer come in 12 packs?  What are you supposed to do with the extra 2 cans?

Also in the realm of products that really aren’t needing, here’s a microwave for people who are too lazy to walk to their other microwave in the kitchen:

And speaking of products that fill a need that doesn’t exist, how about this clock that only tells you what day it is?

Stressed out?  Well, stress no more – it’s the “emWave Personal Stress Reliever” to the rescue:

Why waste your time with exercise or mediation or other such silly de-stressing strategies when you could just press that button and *poof* all your stress is gone and your “emotions balanced.”

And for the germ phobes:

And speaking of hands:

Why hire an actual acupuncturist when you could “diagnose and heal yourself and your family”?  You can’t afford not to buy that, really.

Ever wonder what product you could buy that would tell that world “I’m a freak”?  How about this “I kiss my dog on the lips” bracelet?

Or this:

Or this:

“Instant cool”?  Really?  Because if I saw someone wearing that, “cool” is probably the last thing I’d be thinking.

This next product itself isn’t so bad (I mean, I wouldn’t buy it myself, but I wouldn’t think you were a total freak if you owned it), but the caption leaves my questioning:

Crack the whip?  What is this, S&M Peanuts?

And speaking of cartoons, you know the person who “invented” this product was under a deadline to come up with a “new” product and just happened to be watching an episode of The Simpsons:

These next two products really made me laugh:

And this next product made me ask: does Senator Al Franken get royalties?

And finally, this product requires comment mostly because I knew a guy who had one of these:

And if you think it looks weird with someone in it, imagine seeing that contraption hanging from someone’s door.  Awk-ward!

Previous editions of Products That I Just Don’t Understand: I and II

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