Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

By

In-Depth Analysis of The Latest Canucks Trade

I got a text message from my friend JB yesterday. All it said was:

“Beth Snow + David Booth = babies?”

David Booth, I thought? Who the hell is David Booth?  Turns out that I’ve been a negligent Canucks fan and had missed the news that we’d traded away Samuelsson and Strum for Booth and Reinprecht from the Florida Panthers.

This is David Booth:

Hello, hottie!

My friends know me too well!

The rest of the people in this deal are uggoes, so by my calculations we unloaded two not-hotties and picked up one hottie and one not-hottie. Thus, I approve of this trade!

By

Game 5 FTW!

I’m wary of saying too much, because, like Erika & Paul, I’m afraid of saying/doing/not doing anything that could be a jinx right now. Instead, here are some photos from the celebrations downtown after last night’s game:

IMG_2158

IMG_2159

IMG_2160

Day 354

IMG_2169

IMG_2171

Here’s an overhead shot of downtown:

And here’s the sound of the city after the goal:

Also, Maxim Lapierre, I will have your babies!

By

Miss Vancouver

So, we all know that Boston Pizza has changed its name to Vancouver Pizza, the Boston Cream donut is now known as the Vancouver Cream donut and even the town of Boston Bar is going by the moniker Vancouver Bar.

But I think this one takes the cake – a teacher who changed her name from Miss Boston to Miss Vancouver:

The pressure began on Monday, May 30, when fourth graders at Quilchena elementary school learned of Boston Pizza’s temporary name change to “Vancouver Pizza” and thought Grade 7 teacher Catherine Boston ought to get rid of her now-hated surname, a painful reminder of the Canucks’ rivals, the Boston Bruins. (Source)

And she did. Hilarious!

Go Canucks Go!

By

Are You A Canucks Fan? Do You Have A Heart Rate Monitor?

Just Got Them! Heart Rate Monitors to Keep MotivatedMany years ago, I read about a study in which the researchers measured the heart rate1 of recreational hockey players. And I’ve always thought it would be fun to do a similar study on hockey *fans*. Going through the first three rounds of the playoffs and the first two games of the Stanley Cup Finals, I can tell you anecdotally that watching your beloved hockey team in playoff games is hella stressful2. But I am a scientist and we scientist types do not rely on anecdotal evidence. No, we need observable measurements! Thus, I have decided to conduct a little experiment. I – along with whomever I can convince to also partake – shall wear my heart rate monitor for Stanley Cup Finals games 3 and 43. I shall record my average and peak heart rates. And I shall report my findings here, in The Journal of NTBTWK. My recruitment strategy4 has already secured me one participant and I am now expanding my recruitment efforts to this here blog posting. So, here’s the ask:

Are you going to be watching games 3 and 4 of the Stanley Cup Final? Do you own a heart rate monitor and would you be willing to wear it during those games? If you answered “yes” to these questions, leave a message in the comments. Or email me. Or Facebook, tweet, DM, IM, text, call, or send me a message via telepathy5.

Also, if you know anyone else who might want to partake in this groundbreaking piece of research, let me know!

  1. And other cardiac measures. []
  2. Yes, “hella stressful” is the technical, clinical term for this condition. []
  3. As we all know the Canucks will sweep the Finals. []
  4. I.e., Twitter []
  5. OK, maybe not that last one. []

By

The Stanley Cup Finals

Things are crazy awesome in this city right now. Cars are covered in Vancouver Canucks flags. Every second person you pass on the street is wearing a Canucks jersey. On game days, the energy across the city is palpable! It’s like the Olympics all over again!

This is my lunch room at work:

lunch room shrine

After every win, the number of playoff games we’ve won – and the number of wins left until we hoist the Cup – are s updated on the whiteboard 1. Also, that photo doesn’t really do it justice. The Canucks posters go across the entire wall of the lunchroom.

Professionals are wearing Canuck jerseys to work:

Playoff Beth 3

Since we are facing the Boston Bruins in this Stanley Cup Final, “Boston Pizza” has been renamed “Vancouver Pizza”2:

Vancouver Pizza

And the town of “Boston Bar” is now being called “Vancouver Bar”.

And this:

Boston Cream Doughnut

… is no longer a “Boston Cream” donut. It’s a:

'Vancouver' Cream Doughnut?

I watched Game 1 on Wednesday with some friends at Coppertank on Broadway. And made some new friends, as the place we so crowded we had people from the group at the next table squished in at our table. And when I went to the bathroom at second period intermission, I came back to find some random in my chair! There were more people in there then you would believe could fit, all of whom sang the national anthem at top volume along with Mark Donnelly and there wasn’t a moment in the three hours that followed that wasn’t filled with cheers, screams, gasps, hugs and many, many high fives! When the goal was finally scored in with 19 second left in the game, the place erupted, with every person jumping to their feet screaming (including my non-hockey watching friends who had come to hang out3! I jumped up so enthusiastically that my chair actually went flying backward, much to the delight of my new friend Annamay4!

Bring on game 2!

Image Credits: “Vancouver Cream” sign and donut both posted by Stephen Dyrgas on Flickr.

  1. Similarly, afterevery win, my friend JB updates his Facebook status to indicate how many wins we have left. And I obsessively “like” those FB statuses! []
  2. The Shark Club did the same thing during the Western Conference finals against the San Jose Sharks – they changed their name to the “Vancouver Club” []
  3. My friend Larry said it was the first time in his entire life he’d ever cheered for a goal! []
  4. One of the people who ended up squished at our table with us []

By

Because I Am Nothing If Not An Attention Whore

Updated on May 30, 2011: Because there is now a YouTube video to embed. And I have new things to say.

So the other day, Lisa Johnson1 from the CBC tweeted, “Hockey fans who watch in pubs: is your Canucks support playing havoc with a healthy lifestyle?” Naturally, being a fan of both hockey and the CBC2, I replied, “Yes! I don’t think I’ve ever drank so much beer and ate so many French fries in my life!” and “Also, I’m running a half marathon in June and my training is certainly suffering as there’s no time to fit in a run on game nights!” Because, seriously, these playoffs have turned me into a total beer consuming machine! Beer didn’t used to be my drink of choice, but something about these last few rounds has had me consuming beer like there is no tomorrow! Anyway, this Twitter exchange led to a few emails and an invitation to join Lisa and a few other for lunch at the Lennox!

The result: this awesome story, which aired on the CBC news on Friday night after the Boston-Tampa Bay game:

Which you can also see at: http://www.cbc.ca/news/offbeat/story/2011/05/27/bc-canucks-playoff-diet.html

Note: To see the video, follow the link above and click on the play button on the image. Some people have mistaken it for just a photo rather than a video.

I think my favourite part of the whole story was Dennis’ description of what he eats during a typical playoff game.

As soon as the story ended, my phone exploded with calls, texts, emails, tweets and Facebook messages. Attention whoredom: achieved!

A few other things worth pointing out:

First, here is the answer to the question I received from a few people when I posted the link to this story on Twitter yesterday:

CBCNews

Next, and probably less interesting than the boob question, when I watched the story on the news that night, I was very thrilled with the open shot, yelling out “That’s my hand!!!”:

CBC News

Also, I am pleased that I am forever immortalized by the CBC as “Beth Snow, Canucks Fan”:

CBC News 2

And finally, I don’t have anything of import to say about this final screen shot, but I thought I looked good here!

CBC News 1

Also, that beer was delicious.

Update on May 30, 2011: In addition to my phone exploding with calls/texts/emails on Friday night, apparently a lot of my coworkers watched the CBC News 3 because all day today long I was met with comments like “Hey! I saw you on the news!” and “Hello TV star!” and “Why didn’t they say *you* are a nutritionist??!!” And when I went to get my afternoon coffee at the little coffeeshop across the road from my office, the coffeeshop owner said, “You were on the news! I had it on the TV [points at the big TV]4 and I said, “That’s my customer!!”” Steve Buscemi’s doppelgänger, however, said nothing.

  1. Coincidentally, Lisa moderated the panel of science bloggers that I was on at Northern Voice. Note to self: weren’t you going to blog about that? []
  2. And, admittedly, an attention whore. I figured this meant Lisa would be doing a story on this topic and replying was a good way of throwing my name in the hat! []
  3. I may or may not have sent an email to the entire office on Friday suggesting that they *should* watch the CBC News. But I digress. []
  4. The big flatscreen TV that he has put into the coffeeshop during the playoffs and which only shows sports, I might add []

By

And Now My Boys Are Off To THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!

Day 337

Why yes, I always dress like this at the office. Doesn’t everyone?

We beat the Chicago Blackhawks in 7 games

We beat the Nashville Predators in 6 games.

And last night we beat the San Jose Sharks in 5 games.

Clearly, we are going to take the Stanley Cup in 4 games.

It’s simple math, people. Simple. Math.

Now let’s all re-watch Kevin Bieksa’s game winner in double overtime again for the one zillionth time:

Go Canucks Go!

By

Bottled Water Is Bullshit – Canucks Edition

Darren Facebooked earlier today about his disappointment at seeing Canucks-branded bottled water in stores recently – you know, given that bottled water is a “lousy, wasteful product,” (or, as I like to say – bottled water is bullshit).

Just the other day I’d been in Save-on-Foods and saw the exact product he was talking about – they are selling bottles of water with pictures of various Canucks players on them. Now, despite the fact that I don’t buy bottled water because I completely agree with Darren that it is wasteful and stupid – we have the best quality water in the world coming right out of our taps, with no need for environmentally unfriendly plastic and transportation of said water-filled plastic bottles – I’m embarrassed to say it didn’t occur to me to think “this is stupid.” Instead, what I thought when I saw these in the store was:

IMG_2039

… “Wow, they drew different pictures for Daniel and Henrik Sedin. I totally would have just used the same one and put their different numbers on their sleeves!”

Priority FAIL!

By

The Return of The Cursed Chocolate Bar

Long time readers of NTBTWK may remember the tale of the cursed chocolate bar. For those who don’t, let me explain. Back in the NHL playoffs of ’07…. oh hell, here’s a cut-and-paste job from my blog posting at the time:

I nearly had a heart attack watching tonight’s game! It had been very frustrating to watch my boys lose the last two games, where they could have ended the series, but didn’t, resulting in tonight winner-take-all matchup. Then it occurred to me what the problem was… my chocolate bar was cursed. Two games ago, I was watching the game with a bunch of friends at two of my friends’s apartment and during the intermission between the third period and OT, a couple people decided to go to the store for snacks and I got a big bar of dark Swiss chocolate. It was quite delicious, but certainly more than I could eat in one sitting. We lost that game in OT, and then we lost the next game. I had eaten some more of the chocolate bar over the past few days, but still had quite a bit left when this game started. I started to have an inkling that my chocolate bar might be cursed, preventing the Canucks from winning, but when Dallas scored first in tonight’s game, I decided it was time to take action. I ate the rest of the bar. And shortly after finishing said bar, the Canucks scored. Did I ever mention that I’m supersititious?

Thanks to me devouring the cursed chocolate bar, the good guys prevailed and the bad guys… well, they got sent back to Dallas.

Fast forward to this year. The Canucks are up 3-0 in their series against the hated Chicago Blackhawks and then they lose game 4… and 5… and 6. Things look dire. My sista from another prime minista is worried. The following conversation occurs on Twitter:

twitter conversation

That’s right folks. ANOTHER cursed chocolate bar! And this one was *hiding* from me – it’s just *that* insidious!

sydney_home_lindt

This is not a photo of the ACTUAL cursed chocolate bar, but rather a photo of one that looks like it that I found on Flickr, because I thought you all needed to be forewarned about possible chocolate bar curses. I didn’t waste any time photographing the actual cursed chocolate bar as it was CRITICAL that I devour that item as quickly as possible. Also, I didn’t want anything of that cursed chocolate bar to exist – not even a photo! I wolfed down the remainder of that freaking chocolate bar so fast that I thought I would barf1! But I knew that barfing was not an option, as that would mean the chocolate was not destroyed. Barfing was not an option!

Mercifully, the destruction of the cursed chocolate bar worked and my beloved Canucks triumphed over the evil Chicago Blackhawks last night! And the city rejoiced2!!

Also, while talking about my superstitiousness3, I should point out that there were two good omens yesterday that foretold of the glorious Canucks victory.

First, there was a freaking double rainbow in Vancouver4!

What does it mean?

What does it mean? It means Canucks victorious, bitches!

The second was an omen that was revealed only to me. Earlier in the day while at work, I was listening to the radio and the song Combat Baby by Metric came on. I even tweeted it: “♫ Combat Baby! Said you would never give up easy! ♫” And as I listened to that line, I realized that my Canucks would never give up easy. And, knowing that my iPod is sentient, I got it in my head that I needed to hear Combat Baby as I drove to Alicia’s place for the game. But I couldn’t intentionally play it – it had to show up in my shuffle. And would you believe that not only did my Bellatrix5 play Combat Baby for me while I listened on shuffle, but it played it when I was 3 minutes and 32 seconds away from arriving at Alicia’s! As I was driving up Davie Street to her place and Rihanna’s Only Girl in the World was coming to an end, I said aloud, “Come on, Bellatrix! Play Combat Baby!” And no word of a lie, at that exact moment, Combat Baby started. True fucking story. And I knew at that moment that my Canucks were destined to win.

Image Credits:

  1. Granted, I was so anxious about the game even before I found the chocolate bar, I felt like I was going to barf []
  2. Honestly, I watched the game at my friend Alicia’s place in Yaletown and the atmosphere in the city was exactly like when we won the Olympic gold medal in men’s hockey last year! There was yelling and cheering and horns honking and it all went well into the night []
  3. Yes, I am a superstitious atheist. And no, that does not make any sense. Your point? []
  4. Full disclosure: I didn’t actually see the double rainbow, but read about it on blogs and Twitter afterwards []
  5. Bellatrix being my iPhone’s name []

By

Why Did No One Tell Me That Jeff Tambellini Is Such a Hottie??

As you know, I like me some hockey players. Especially if they are hotties. And especially especially if they play for the Vancouver Canucks. Which is why I am so stunned to have discovered that there is a hottie Canuck that has slipped beneath my radar!

As long time readers may recall, I have a habit of naming certain, um, electronic devices after Canucks players. And I recently purchased one of those particular devices, so I needed to come up with a name to give to it1. And ever since Taylor Pyatt left the team, I haven’t had a particular Canuck that I’m in love with, so I went on over to Canucks.com check out the Canucks roster. At first I went to take a good look at Manny Malhotra, as my friend Jane oft laments that we stole the man she refers to as “Manny Sweet Lips” from her beloved San Jose Sharks. And, admittedly, he’s pretty cute.  But then I caught sight of this man:

Want.

 

This, my friends, is one Jeff Tambellini. I mean, sure, it’s not like he’s the number one player on the team – in fact, they didn’t even dress him for last night’s game. But that’s because he’s too busy being smoking hot! Seriously, check out a few photos of him on Google Image Search and tell me you aren’t in love?

Added bonus: he has the word “bellini” in his name. I think I’ve found the name for my new, um, electronic device. Also, I think I may need to marry him. The man, not the device.

  1. Previous Canucks names that have already been used include Taylor (Pyatt), Brad (Isbister), Trevor (Linden), and Bobby Lou (Roberto Luongo). Not that I think Bobby Lou is hot – far from it, in fact – but because he’s just *that good* of a hockey player []