So the other day I was at the drug store and there was a woman doing free makeovers and she seemed pretty bored because the store was practically empty, so when she offered me a makeup, I figured “why not?” because (a) I’m bored and have nothing better to do and (b) maybe I’ll learn some good makeup tricks. What I learned, however, was that in order to look “natural” it takes 45 minutes and 50 lbs of makeup. Seriously, she used 15 products on me in her attempt to just “brighten up” my face and make me look “natural.” Products included:
- make-up remover – to take off the little bit of foundation I had on
- toner – apparently supposed to help exfoliate your flaky skin
- moisturizer – to, uh, moisturize
- Jesus serum – I call it that because it’s supposed to reincarnate the cells on your face, which will apparently get rid of the sun damage on my forehead, even out my horrible blotchy skin, and wash away the sins of humanity
- eye cream – to minimize my old lady wrinkles
- concealer – to, uh, conceal; apparently the fact that you can see blood vessels in my eyelids due to my fair skin (and which I’ve never, ever thought problematic) is hideous and must be concealed. The concealer was also supposed to cover up the dark circles under my eyes, but in reality just revealed all sorts of fine lines that I didn’t even know were there. Awesome.
- foundation – to even out my skin and cover up the sun damage on my forehead
- powder – to “seal in” the foundation
- eyeshadow – brown and light brown to, uh, make my eyes look shadowy
- eyeliner – to, uh, line the eyes. She even lined under my lash line, which felt really weird!
- mascara – the make-up lady kept complimenting my eyelashes, so points for her.
- lip liner – which she used to not just line my lips, but to colour them in. And to draw them bigger than they actually are, since I have such thin lips
- lip gloss – which she used to blend in the lip liner colour
- blush – to highlight the cheekbones
- bronzer – to finish it all off
So far, we’ve used eight products just to get ready to put the makeup on.
The whole process took about 45 minutes, though that did include her stopping to explain things to me. She told me that on days that she “doesn’t want to wear makeup” she can do her makeup in just 15 minutes – which would be using items 1-8 and a bit of 13. “I know some people say they don’t have the time,” she said, “but don’t you always want to look your best?” But to me, 15 minutes seems like an eternity – I can do full makeup in about 7 minutes1. Anyway, at the end of it all, my face felt like I had a tonne of makeup on it, though I did think it looked “natural”:
- I only know this because my mom sent me a kit from Cargo cosmetics called something like “the 7 minute makeup kit,” which, of course, prompted me to time how long it takes to put on my makeup. It took me 5 minutes, but that didn’t include moisturizing & eye cream [↩]