Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

By

Important Hockey News

It has been brought to my attention that while I’ve been ignoring NHL hockey since none of the Canadian teams made the playoffs, an important thing happened in the world of professional hockey. The San Jose Sharks hired a male model to play in net.

 

For serious.

You can follow along with his sexiness on Instagram and Twitter. I know I will be!

 

By

Who Should Be My Favourite Canuck?

Jake Virtanen.jpg

Jake Virtanen at the 2014 CHL Top Prospects Game

So way, way back in the old timey days of the NHL pre-season, a young Jake Virtanen caught my eye, mostly because he was wearing jersey #27, which is *my* jersey number1 and then I Googled him and not only is he a hottie, but he was born in New Westminster! So clearly, I thought, he should be my favourite Canuck this year, given that my last year’s favourite Canuck, the then-#27 Shawn Matthias, signed as an unrestricted free agent with the Leafs in the off season, as the Canucks did not re-sign him. But then the regular season started and Jake switched jerseys numbers to 18 and I got busy with teaching and promptly forgot about my need to choose a new favourite Canuck for this year.

Ben Hutton 10-2015a.jpg

Ben Hutton during a pre-game warmup on Oct 22, 2015

Anyhoo, I’m watching the Canucks game tonight and I noticed that someone is, in fact, wearing number 27. Turns out it’s Ben Hutton, another kid in his first year on the Canucks. A quick Google search demonstrates that he’s also pretty easy on the eyes2

So now I’m trying to decide: should Jake, the New Westie, be my favourite Canuck this year, or Ben, #27? Or should I declare it a tie and say they are both my favourite Canucks this year?

Image Credits:
Jake Virtanen” by 5of7Jake Virtanen – 2014 Top Prospect. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Commons.

Ben Hutton 10-2015a” by Bure’s Triple DekeOwn work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0 via Commons.

Footnotes:

  1. On one of my teams anyway []
  2. The photo shown here doesn’t really show that, but there didn’t seem to be any photos online with a Creative Commons or similar type license that I could post that show his face. But if you are interested in his face, you can check him out here. []

By

Team Hockey P0rn – Your Suggestions Needed!

Last year, I never really got into the NHL hockey season. With the lockout being so long, by the time the season started, I’d moved on with my life and just couldn’t figure out how to fit hockey watching in. But the thing is, I really *like* watching hockey. And when you add to that the fact that the light at the end of the MBA tunnel is fast approaching, I really will need something to do to fill all the free time I’m going to have come the end of December! All that to say, I’m very excited that the new season starts this week.

And with the new season starting this week, so too does the annual VWXYPool! Hockey pool! The pool is open to regular readers of my friend Cath’s blog, VWXYNot?, which means it’s full of nerdy scientists who love to watch hockey and trash talk one another. So it’s loads of fun!

Now, as you know, I like to have a theme for how I pick the players for my hockey team. In 2011-12, I took the term “fantasy hockey pool” literally and formed Team Hottie, for which I could only chose attractive players. And I did terribly in the pool. So then in 2012-13, I decided to go the opposite way and formed Team Uggoe, for which I could only choose the hideously ugly. And I again did terrible in the pool. So I’m starting to think that choosing hockey players based on appearance may not be the best way to form a hockey pool team. I think it’s time for a new strategy.

And my new strategy is thus: I’m taking a suggestion that Cath made last year in a comment on my Team Uggoe posting – I’m forming Team Hockey P0rn, which means I can only put someone on my team if they have a name that sounds in some way dirty. The obvious members of the team, as Cath pointed out in that comment, are:

  • Grant Clitsome
  • David Legwand
  • Alex Burrows

A quick look at the list of available players has given me the following additions:

  • Victor Hedman
  • Jonathan Quick
  • Patrick Kane
  • Evander Kane
  • and someone I’ve never heard of before, but who is perfect for this team: Jiří Tlustý

This is a good start, but clearly I need more players. So I thought I’d ask you, gentle reader: do you know of any NHL players with dirty sounding names?

By

Hockey Hotties – Now In Pinterest Form!

I appear to have signed up for Pinterest. I’ve been resisting this one for a while, as I felt like I needed another place to keep stuff on the Internet like I needed another hole in my head1. I mean, I’ve got my blog and Facebook and Twitter and Flickr and LinkedIn and Instagram2 and I follow a bunch of blogs/sites via RSS feeds and I track my running and biking on RunKeeper and I collect links of stuff I want to read later with Instapaper and I’m sure there’s a bunch of other crap that I signed up for and then forgot about.

But then Darren pointed out on Twitter the other day that someone else took his usual username because he wasn’t fast enough in signing up and I remembered how much I hate it when someone else takes my username3.

So I signed up “just to get my username so that no one else could steal it.”

And then, because it was the weekend and it seemed like much more fun to do than the Economics reading that I should have been doing, I decide to check out what this whole Pinterest thing is anyway. It’s just a site where people “pin” pictures of stuff they like from the Internet onto virtual “pin boards”, right?

And then I had an epiphany. I could pin pictures of my hockey hotties! And so my Pinterest interest was born.

It’s still a work in progress – so many potential hockey hottie pictures to pin, so little time – but here is my Hockey Hottie pin board. If you have suggestions of pictures of hot hockey players that I should pin, I’ll take them under advisement.

And if you are interested, I pinned some other crap on some other boards too.

  1. As in life, I’m trying to rein in my hoarding tendencies. []
  2. Which I almost never use anyway []
  3. Even though I don’t have a consistent username for all my sites, but I’m trying to stick to one for anything I sign up for going forward. For a while I used Beth77 but then I changed to using drbethsnow because I realized that there is a lot more competition for the former – which many Beths might want – than the latter – because how many Beths share my last name AND have doctorate? []

By

Brad Richards – Shirtless *and* PANTLESS!

So just yesterday I commented on the fact that I should post more pictures of shirtless hockey hotties on my blog, and today Darren brought this photo to my attention:

Brad Richards, a NTBTWK-certified hottie, with no clothes on. No shirt, no pants. Really, what more do I need to say? Well – I do need to say one thing: thanks, Darren, for bringing this to my attention!

By

Hockey Pool, Week 9

So it’s my week to do the update on the hockey pool that I’m in. I really wished that I’d volunteered to do the Week 7 update, where I reigned supreme! Instead, I’m doing the update on this past week, so I get to report on how sucktastic I am. But since it’s not all about me, let’s look at the graphs, shall we?

Hockey Pool - Week 9Figure 1: Week 9 points

As seen in Figure 1,  Cath and Bob did some butt kicking this week, followed closely by dreamsandhope, Lava, and Modscientist, and then Gerty. Me, Richardipus, and Scientist Mother did significantly worse than the others, with the notable exception of arkmennis, who is sadly, sadly at the end of the graph there.

Hockey Pool - Week 9 - Line graph

Figure 2: Change in point totals from week 8 to week 9.

Looking at the overall standings, Dreamsandhope, Richardipus, and Lava are in a three-way1 tie for first overall (287 points), followed closely by Modscientist (285 points). Cath is in fifth place (281 points), followed by Gerty & ScientistMother (272 points each), and then Bob (268 points). As you can see from the graph, arkmennis (248 points) and I (254 points) are breaking away from the pack in a race for the bottom. He and I are clearly able to get by on much fewer points than everyone else, so I think it’s pretty obvious that we are just much more efficient that our competitors.

It appears that my strategy of forgetting to update my team each week is not doing me much good2 – so I actually tweaked my lineup for week 10. Here’s hoping!

  1. Three-way. Tee hee. []
  2. With the exception of week 7 where I changed nothing and won the week, but I was in Montreal at the time, and Montreal is a hockey mecca, so I think that’s why the hockey gods smiled upon me. []

By

In-Depth Analysis of The Latest Canucks Trade

I got a text message from my friend JB yesterday. All it said was:

“Beth Snow + David Booth = babies?”

David Booth, I thought? Who the hell is David Booth?  Turns out that I’ve been a negligent Canucks fan and had missed the news that we’d traded away Samuelsson and Strum for Booth and Reinprecht from the Florida Panthers.

This is David Booth:

Hello, hottie!

My friends know me too well!

The rest of the people in this deal are uggoes, so by my calculations we unloaded two not-hotties and picked up one hottie and one not-hottie. Thus, I approve of this trade!

By

Hockey Pool Week 4: Time To Clean House

I’ve been incredibly lazy in my hockey pool and haven’t changed my picks since the first week. And I’ve suffered the consequences, as I now sit in last place in my pool! *hangs head in shame*

So I decided that it was time to shake things up, which meant I had to actually look at my list and see who was underperforming and who I should replace them with, which, of course, meant I had to make a spreadsheet1. And after this in depth analysis, I made the following changes to my roster.

Kicked Off The Team

  • Benoit Pouliot
  • Dustin Brown2
  • Shea Weber
  • Brent Seabrook
  • Victor Hedman3
  • Carey Price

New Recruits

I should point out that I have adapted my definition of “hottie” for the purposes of this pool. If I can find just one photo of a player on the Internet in which they look hot, they now qualify as a hottie4.

Thomas Vanek

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins

I scouted out Ryan as a hottie in my analysis of the new draftees earlier this year, and while I realize his good numbers have a lot to do with the hat trick he got against the Canucks, I decided to take a gamble on him that he’ll keep playing this well – and that he won’t get sent down to the minors for development.

Erik Karlsson

Christian Erhoff

Former Canuck. Current hottie.

Sheldon Souray

Kari Lehtonen

Here’s hoping the new recruits bring me up from my sad little last place existence!

  1. I do love a good spreadsheet. []
  2. Although Dustin actually has more points than Alex Burrows, who I’m keeping, Alex in my only Canuck. []
  3. Probably the hottest guy on my team, but just not performing at the actual hockey playing part. []
  4. As opposed to my previous definition where they had to look hot in most of their photos on the Internet. []

By

My Week 1 Hotties

Since the NHL regular season starts tonight (huzzah!), I had to pick my players for Cath’s fantasy hockey pool last night. The pool is a little different than the one I was in last year, where there was a draft and then that was your team for the whole year. In the pool I’m in now, the rules are a little more complicated.

The Rules

  • We are required to pick: 6 forwards, 4 defencemen, 2 goalies
  • You pick 3 “star” players (1 of your forwards, 1 of your defencemen, and 1 of your goalies). For those three players, you get double points for all the points they score for you (based on goals/assists for forwards and D-men, and wins/shutouts for goalies).
  • Each player is assigned a point value (1-4) based on how good they are predicted to be and the “salary cap” for your team is 30 points.
  • You can change your picks every week.
All this means that I not only have to pick a bunch of hotties, but I have to pay attention to such things as which teams is playing which other team in any given week, which hotties are on hot streaks and which ones are not. On the plus side, this is a reason to think about my hotties more often than usual!

Anyhoo, I decided that I should probably make a list of hotties from which to draw. I started by going through the leading scorers from last season, picking out the hotties, which gave me the following list to start from (format: name – team – position – # points last year):

  • Martin St. Louis – Tampa Bay – right wing – 99 points
  • Jarome Iginla – Calgary – right wing – 86 points
  • Brad Richards – Dallas – centre – 77 points
  • Jonathan Toews – Chicago – centre – 76 points
  • Ryan Kesler ((I don’t actually find Kesler’s face all that attractive, but those abs alone make him a hottie!  In fact, I wanted to just pick “Ryan Kesler’s abs,” but that doesn’t seem to be an option.)) – Vancouver – centre – 73 points
  • Patrick Kane – Chicago – centre – 73 points
  • Ryane Clowe – San Jose -left wing – 62 points
  • Mikko Koivu – Minnesota – centre – 62 points
  • Dustin Brown – LA – right wing – 57  points
  • Devin Setoguchi – Minnesota – right wing – 41 points1
This didn’t give me very many defenceman, so I had to go further down the list to get some of them:
  • Kris Letang – Pittsburgh – defence – 50 points
  • Shea Weber2 – Nashville – defence – 48 points
  • Brent Seabrook – Chicago – defence – 48 points
  • Alex Pietrangelo – St. Louis – defence – 43 points

From this list, I went onto the hockey pool website and made some choices. I had to do some juggling because of the stupid salary cap, but this is what I ultimately ended up with for this week:

Week 1 Hockey Hotties Picks

And now in photographic form:

martin-st.-louis.jpg

Martin St. Louis

Brad Richards

Brad Richards

Dustin Brown by nicholeglaze

Dustin Brown

Jonathan Toews by dtkindler

Jonathan Toews

Alex Burrows

Me

Benoit Pouliot

080228 Kris Letang by Dan4th

Kris Letang

Shea Weber

Brent Seabrook

Victor Hedman

20100206 Pekka unmasked

Pekka Rinne

 Price_crop_340x234

Carey Price

  1. he’s not at the top, but I had to include him as a possibility ‘cuz he’s so damn cute! []
  2. Only hot sans beard. []

By

Hockey Hotties 2011/12- Your Suggestions Needed!

Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. Time to pick hotties for my fantasy hockey team! This year I’m joining Cath’s Hockey Pool where, apparently, I have to pick a fresh batch of hotties every week. Which I’ve only just realized is a lot more work than just picking a pile of hotties and then ignoring my team for the rest of the season, as I usually do in hockey pools. It also means that I need to select a large roster of hotties from which to choose each week, based on which teams are playing who, and which hotties are injured or on a hot streak (in the hockey-playing sense) in any given week.

As in the past, I’m going to start with my previous lists of hockey hotties (see herehereherehere, here and here), but will do my due diligence to look up their most recent stats as well as search for other potential hotties. And this, my friends, is where you come in. Please provide your suggestions for potential hotties in the comments section. I do, of course, reserve the right to be the arbiter of hotness for my team, but all suggestions are welcome and I will judge them accordingly.

In the meantime, let’s all ogle Scottie Upshall: