Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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Hockey Playoffs!

hockeylogoThis weekend was the playoffs for one of my two hockey teams (the Blazing Blades). We won our games on Friday and Saturday nights, but lost our game this afternoon, giving us a 2-1 record for the playoffs. The team that beat us (the Ringers) also had a 2-1 record, which meant that we had to wait with bated breath to see what happened in the game that was being played right after ours (Fusion vs. Red Bull) to see who was going to the final because, had the Fusion won, they would *also* have had a 2-1 record, which meant it would have gone down to a tie-breaker. The usual tie-breaker in a situation like this is looking at who beat who, but since we beat the Fusion, and the Fusion beat the Ringers, and the Ringers beat us – well, that just ends in another tie. I think after that it would have gone to goal differential. Fortunately, however, the Fusion did not win, so that puts us in the final next Sunday. Go Blazing Blades!

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And Now My Boys Are Off To THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!

Day 337

Why yes, I always dress like this at the office. Doesn’t everyone?

We beat the Chicago Blackhawks in 7 games

We beat the Nashville Predators in 6 games.

And last night we beat the San Jose Sharks in 5 games.

Clearly, we are going to take the Stanley Cup in 4 games.

It’s simple math, people. Simple. Math.

Now let’s all re-watch Kevin Bieksa’s game winner in double overtime again for the one zillionth time:

Go Canucks Go!

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And My Boys Are Off To Round Three!

Day 110
So tonight the Canucks won game #6 of their second playoff round, eliminating the Nashville Predators1 and advancing to the third round for the first time in 17 years!!

I watched the game at my friend Lianna’s place and when I headed back home afterwards, I’d completely forgotten that 72nd and Scott Road is *the* place for Canucks fans in Surrey, so when I took the 72nd Ave exit off Hwy 91, it took me a minute to figure out why the heck traffic was at a standstill! And I inched forward along 72nd, waiting until I could get to a major street to take a detour, would you believe that my iPhone, which I was using to play music on shuffle, started playing Combat Baby? That is the truest of true stories, my friends. And I may, just may, have driven along my little detour with my window open, blaring Combat Baby and honking at all the other fans who were waving flags on the side of the road, or driving up and down the streets.

Go Canucks Go!

  1. I think everyone can agree that it is a mercy that Shea Weber can now shave off that horrible, horrible beard! His beard is so out of control, in fact, that it had its own Facebook page! []

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Hello, Hockey Playoff Finals! Fancy Meeting You Here!

So it seems that my hockey team has made the finals, being played this afternoon, despite coming in last in our division in the regular season! So perhaps my stick did not give her life in vain1!

The team we play in the finals is the same team we played this morning – we tied 1-1. They are a tough team and we had to play hard to get that tie, so I think we are in for quite a game this afternoon!

Wish us luck!!

Update: We did not win the final. But considering we came in last in our division, were plagued by injuries, and didn’t have a regular goalie for the entire season, we were pretty pleased to make the final and give the winners a run for their money!

  1. incidentally, I saw my stick today! As I was leaving the ice after this morning’s game, I spotted her in a garbage can next to the rink. So splintered! So sad! []

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Chicks With Sticks

For as long as I’ve played hockey, I’ve alway brought two hockey sticks with me to the rink in case I break one. I’m only 5 ft tall AND I play left-handed, so I figure if I break a stick, there’s very little chance that someone else on my team is going to have a short lefty stick I can use. So for the past 7 or 8 years, I’ve brought two sticks to every game I’ve played, though I’ve never, ever broken a stick… until today!

Our first playoff game for my Coquitlam team was held this morning and part way through the game a girl from the other team and I collided as we tried to get the puck. Collided and fell. And she fell right onto my stick! When she got up, I saw that my poor innocent little stick had splintered right in half! The ref yelled, “Leave it! It’s broken!” and so off I skated to the bench so someone who actually had a stick could jump onto the ice. And I never saw my poor baby stick again!

At least I have this photo to remember her by:

IMG_4246

So now I only have my (too short) back up stick to play with! Wish me luck that I don’t break it in this afternoon’s game!

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Hockey Playoffs

Today was day 1 of 2 of hockey playoffs.  And despite the fact that we lost both of our games, I have to say that we played really damn well.  Here’s hoping tomorrow we translate playing well into winning!

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Hockey Hotties – Playoff Check-In

While I’m still not over my beloved Canucks being knocked out of the playoffs by the evil that is the Chicago Blackhawks, I figured the end of round 2  would be a good place to check in on how the hotties are doing.

Name Team Goals Assists Notes
Mattias Ohlund Vancouver 1 2 top scorers on Vancouver were the Sedin twins. Who happen to be very, very fugly.
Zach Parise New Jersey 3 3 top scorer on his team
Sidney Crosby Pittsburgh 12 9 top scorer in the playoffs so far! Hot on and off the ice!
Kris Letang Pittsburgh 3 6 tied for fourth in points on his team
Jarome Iginla Calgary 3 1 tied for second in points on his team.  Getting knocked out in the first round, though, really hampers one’s ability to score points.
Joffrey Lupul Philly 1 1 Hmm. Not so impressive. He’s lucky he’s cute.
Marcus Naslund NY Rangers 1 2 tied for third on his team in points. His team didn’t score many points.
Mike Komisarek Montreal 0 0 Ouch.
Georges Laraque Montreal 0 0 Double ouch.  Montreal hotties – you let me down!!
Jonathan Toews Chicago 4 6 third on his team in points.
Patrick Kane Chicago 8 4 second on his team in points

So my team collectively has 36 goals and 34 assists for a total of 70 points. And my goalie, Martin Biron of Philly, made 198 saves with 16 goals against, had a .919 save percentage with 2 wins and 4 losses.  How does this compare to other fantasy hockey teams.  I have no idea.  Anyone out there in a hockey pool where you had to pick 11 players and a goalie?  If so, let us know whether 70 is a goodly number of points or if it sucks.

Now, for the next round of the playoffs, I only have four players left!

  • Sidney Crosby – Centre  – Pittsburgh
  • Kris Letang – Defense – Pittsburgh
  • Jonathan Toews  – Centre – Chicago
  • Patrick Kane – RW – Chicago

Two on Pittsburgh, two on Chicago.  Which is, conveniently, one team from the East and one team from the West.  And I have no hotties from the other remaining teams (Detroit and Carolina).  So that makes my prediction for the Stanley Cup Finals easy – Penguins v. Blackhawks. You heard it here first.

Of course, I have mixed emotions about all this.  I mean, Kane and Toews1 are pretty damn hot. But since they beat my beloved Canucks, they clearly are evil incarnate.  I think I will ease my discomfort around these issues by looking at these pretty pictures of my hotties:

Sidney Crosby by jmd41280.

Sidney.

080228 Kris Letang by Dan4th.

Kris.

Jonathan Toews by dtkindler.

Jonathan.

toews by neekinator.

And more Jonathan.

The Kids - Toews and Kane by dtkindler.

Jon and Pat.

Ah, pictures of hotties. It doesn’t bring my Canucks back to life this post-season, but it’s a nice distraction all the same.

1Pronounced “Taves,” for some reason. That’s something I noticed in the Canucks-Blackhawks series – everyone on Chicago has either a name that is spelled some really fucking weird way, like “Toews” pronounced as “Taves” or “Byfuglien” pronounced as “Buff-a-lin”2 or freaking “Hjalmarsson”… or there name is a very simple, common word: Sharp, Kane, Ladd, Eager!
2Seriously, man, how the hell do you get “Buff-a-lin” out of Byfuglien??

Image credit: Pic of Sid the Kid, posted by jmd41280 on Flickr
Image credit: Pic of Kris Letang, posted by Dan4th on Flickr
Image credit: First pic of Toews dtkindler on Flickr
Image credit: Second pic of Toews neekinator on Flickr
Image credit: Pic of Toews and Kane dtkindler on Flickr

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Hockey Hotties – Playoff Edition

So, I know the question that you are all asking about the upcoming NHL playoffs.  How many of my hockey hotties will be making post-season appearances?

Let’s take a look first at those who did not make the cut:

Hockey Hotties That Didn’t Make the Playoffs:

-His Hotness, Rick DiPietro of the NY Islanders.  In factor, Mr. DiPietro’s team was the very worst one in the entire league.  Of course, this is clearly because Ricky wasn’t bringing his hotness to game as he was out due to injuries.

-And speaking of the Islanders, when I started my hockey hotties list, hottie Mike Comrie was a NY Islander.  Apparently he got traded to Ottawa, where he still didn’t make the playoffs with the Senators.

-Following closely behind the Islanders are Vincent Lecavalier and Martin St. Louis of the Tampa Bay Lightning, the second worst team in the league.  Apparently the double-team hotness of Lecavalier and St. Louis was not enough to make the post-season.

Mikko Koivu and Benoit Pouliot of the Minnesota Wild will also not be making a post-season appearance, having just missed the playoffs being 9th in the Western Conference.

Brad Isbister, who last I checked was M.I.A. from the minor league team to which the Ottawa Senators sent him. So no playoff hottie team for you, Mr. Isbister!

-We also say au revior to Paul Gaustad, Derek Roy, Jason Pominville and Craig Rivet of the Buffalo Sabres, who came 10th in the East this year and thus, despite all that hotness, have started their summer vacation early.

-Also joining them on the golf course will be Dustin Brown of the 14th place LA Kings and former Canuck and current hottie Brendan Morrison of the 12th place Dallas Stars.

-Sadly, Sheldon Souray and the Edmonton Oilers did not make the playoffs and so the man who got me the most hits on my blog will not be fighting it out for Lord Stanley’s Cup this year.

Scottie Upshall got traded from the Philadelphia Flyers, who did make the playoffs, to the Phoenix Coyotes, who did not.  Sucks to be you, Scottie.  And sucks to be me, deprived of one more hottie this playoff season.

Hotties That Did Make the Playoffs:

Taylor Pyatt of the Canucks, of course, made the playoffs. But I’m not sure if he’ll be playing in the playoffs as his fiance died recently in a car accident in Jamaica and the team told him to take as much time as he needed to be with his family.

-The other Canuck on the Hockey Hotties list = Mattias Ohlund.

Zach Parise‘s NJ Devils not only made the playoffs but won their division, so he should be in for a few rounds of playoff action.

Sidney Crosby, Kris Letang and the Pittsburgh Penguins came in a respectable 4th in the Easteern Conference.

Jarome Iginla from that team my Canucks beat out for the Northwest Division championship, the Calgary Flames, makes the playoffs and scores a spot on the list o’playoff hotties

Martin Biron of the Philadelphia Flyers will be my playoff hottie goalie, since His Hotness Rick DiPietro is unavaiable for the role.  The Flyers came in 5th in the east with a respectiable 99 points. Marty’s teammate Joffrey Lupul also makes the cut.

Markus Naslund is playoff-bound as his New York Rangers came in 7th in the East.  Mark Bell is also a Ranger, having been claimed off of waivers from Toronto, but he’s not going to be playing in the playoffs because he’s (I’m assuming1) still down in the minors.

Mike Komisarek, Josh Gorges and Georges Laraque will all be in the post-season as their Montreal Canadiens just made it into the playoffs in the 8th spot in the East. (Carey Price of the Montreal Canadiens can be my backup playoff goalie).

-Chicago Blackhawks players Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane2 are in contention as their team came 4th in the West.

A Playoff Team of Hotties?

Now, Darren challenged me to pick 12 of the hotties to see how they fair against the teams in his pool.  So, I pieced the following team together based on (a) whose teams are actually in the playoffs, (b) hotness and (c) the need to eliminate two of the 14 remaining hotties to get me down to the allowed number of players3.  And this is what I came up with:

My Playoff Hottie Team:

  • Mattias Ohlund  -Defense – Vancouver
  • Zach Parise  – LW – New Jersey
  • Sidney Crosby – Centre  – Pittsburgh
  • Kris Letang – Defense – Pittsburgh
  • Jarome Iginla – RW  – Calgary
  • Martin Biron – Goalie – Philly
  • Joffrey Lupul  – RW  – Philly
  • Marcus Naslund – LW – NY Rangers
  • Mike Komisarek –  Defense – Montreal
  • Georges Laraque – RW – Montreal
  • Jonathan Toews  – Centre – Chicago
  • Patrick Kane – RW – Chicago

My Playoff Predictions

This team, of course, leads me to my playoff predictions.  Unlike Darren, who tried to figure out which teams he thought would go the furthest in the playoffs and then used those predictions to choose his players, I’ve chosen my hotties and will use those players to decide which team I think will win each series.

First of all, the Canucks are going to win the Stanley Cup (even though they only have one hottie on my list4).  Which means a Canucks victory over the Blues.  The Blues, of course, have no hotties, so that works.

In the Blackhawks-Flames series, we have two Chicago hotties to one Flames hottie.  And I hate the Flames anyway, so the series goes to Chicago.

In the Red Wings-Blue Jackets series5, we have no hotties.  But I had a crush on Steve Yzerman when I was little, so the series goes to the Wings.

The Sharks-Ducks series is also devoid of hotties and so I’ll decide it the only reasonable way that one could – in a fight, a shark would totally eat a duck. Sharks take the series.

Over in the Eastern Conference, we have the following matchups:

Bruins (no hotties) vs. Canadiens (two hotties). So I’m calling an upset – the series will go to Montreal.

One Ranger hottie beats zero Capital hotties – that series goes to NY.

Similarly, one NJ hottie beats zero Carolina hotties – the Devils takes that series.

And, finally, the Penguins vs. the Flyers.  Two hotties a piece. What to do, what to do?  I think I have to pick the hotness that is Biron & Lupul over Sid the Kid and Letang.  The Flyers will win.

This will make the second round showdowns as follows:

  • Canucks beating Detroit, as predicted by the 1 hottie to 0 hotties (and the fact that the Canucks are going to win the Cup, of course)
  • The Blackhawks (2 hotties) will upset the hottie-less Sharks.
  • The Habs will pull another upset in the second round with their 2 hotties beating the lone NJ hottie.
  • The Flyers will beat the Rangers, two hotties to one.

In the third round,  the Canucks will beat the Blackhawks, of course, but what will happen in the Flyers v. Habs series? Biron & Lupul vs. Komisarek & Laraque. Tough call.  Clearly this series will go to overtime in the 7th game, but when the dust settles, I think it’s going to be a Montreal victory.

And look at that – an all-Canadian Stanley Cup!

1Research, sme-search.
2According to some random who called in during open phones one morning on CFOX radio (surely a reliable source, no?), Patrick Kane was seen making out with a women at the Roxy after the Blackhawks-Canucks game this season.  Methinks there was a very happy cougar in Vancity that night.
3I’m not including Taylor based on not knowing if he’ll play given the death of his fiancee and I’m eliminating Gorges based on him being the least hot of my four remaining D-man – I figure 3 D-men are sufficient (and I have no idea what the required number of D-men are for a hockey pool team). See footnote 1.
4It’s my blog and so I make the rules.
5Henceforth known as the Battle Of The Primary Colours.

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Hockey Champions For the Second Year In A Row!

hockeylogo by you.We won our hockey playoffs this weekend!  Not only that, but we *swept* the playoffs – winning all four of our games!  Not only that, but we faced off against our arch nemesis team in the final and we won! 1-0. On a shorthanded goal.  No really.

We’d finished third out of four teams during the season so, unlike when we won playoffs last year, we weren’t the favourites to win. But the division was fairly evenly matched this season1, so we went in knowing that it really was anyone’s playoffs to take.

Playoffs involve each team playing each other team during the weekend and the two teams that come out on top face off in a winner-takes-all final on Sunday afternoon.  Our first game was yesterday morning against the 4th place team, which we won 4-12.  Last night we played the second place team – our arch nemesis team.  We beat them, 1-0… in overtime.  The game was pretty rough and we came damn near to having a brawl at one point3, but the main thing was putting the puck in the net with about one minute left in OT to win the game and secure our spot in the final. This morning’s game was against the first place team and it was a close one, but in the end we came out ahead, 3-2. And speaking of heads, mine got slammed against the ice4 when someone took me out in front of the net after the whistle. She got a penalty and I got a headache.

The final game was this afternoon and, well, you know how that ended. Shorthanded goal, of all things.  And now we savour the sweet, sweet victory!

1More evenly matched than I think the standings showed.
2I would like to point out that for two of our four goals I was in my office, doing my special brand of annoying the hell out of the goalie.
3Much to the amusement of the growing number of people who stopped to watch our game when it became apparently how rough things were getting.
4It totally freaked me out when I felt the back of my head hit the inside of my helmet and I popped my head up right away. It was like my brain was saying if you get your head off the ice, then you didn’t really hit it! Considering that our goalie got knocked out for the season with a grade 2 concussion when she was run over (while she was in net) by someone from – you guessed it – our arch nemesis team and her head slammed to the ice, I’ve been paranoid all day that my brain is injured.