Not To Be Trusted With Knives

Hockey Hotties – Playoff Edition

April 14, 2009 by Beth

So, I know the question that you are all asking about the upcoming NHL playoffs.  How many of my hockey hotties will be making post-season appearances?

Let’s take a look first at those who did not make the cut:

Hockey Hotties That Didn’t Make the Playoffs:

-His Hotness, Rick DiPietro of the NY Islanders.  In factor, Mr. DiPietro’s team was the very worst one in the entire league.  Of course, this is clearly because Ricky wasn’t bringing his hotness to game as he was out due to injuries.

-And speaking of the Islanders, when I started my hockey hotties list, hottie Mike Comrie was a NY Islander.  Apparently he got traded to Ottawa, where he still didn’t make the playoffs with the Senators.

-Following closely behind the Islanders are Vincent Lecavalier and Martin St. Louis of the Tampa Bay Lightning, the second worst team in the league.  Apparently the double-team hotness of Lecavalier and St. Louis was not enough to make the post-season.

–Mikko Koivu and Benoit Pouliot of the Minnesota Wild will also not be making a post-season appearance, having just missed the playoffs being 9th in the Western Conference.

–Brad Isbister, who last I checked was M.I.A. from the minor league team to which the Ottawa Senators sent him. So no playoff hottie team for you, Mr. Isbister!

-We also say au revior to Paul Gaustad, Derek Roy, Jason Pominville and Craig Rivet of the Buffalo Sabres, who came 10th in the East this year and thus, despite all that hotness, have started their summer vacation early.

-Also joining them on the golf course will be Dustin Brown of the 14th place LA Kings and former Canuck and current hottie Brendan Morrison of the 12th place Dallas Stars.

-Sadly, Sheldon Souray and the Edmonton Oilers did not make the playoffs and so the man who got me the most hits on my blog will not be fighting it out for Lord Stanley’s Cup this year.

–Scottie Upshall got traded from the Philadelphia Flyers, who did make the playoffs, to the Phoenix Coyotes, who did not.  Sucks to be you, Scottie.  And sucks to be me, deprived of one more hottie this playoff season.

Hotties That Did Make the Playoffs:

–Taylor Pyatt of the Canucks, of course, made the playoffs. But I’m not sure if he’ll be playing in the playoffs as his fiance died recently in a car accident in Jamaica and the team told him to take as much time as he needed to be with his family.

-The other Canuck on the Hockey Hotties list = Mattias Ohlund.

–Zach Parise‘s NJ Devils not only made the playoffs but won their division, so he should be in for a few rounds of playoff action.

–Sidney Crosby, Kris Letang and the Pittsburgh Penguins came in a respectable 4th in the Easteern Conference.

–Jarome Iginla from that team my Canucks beat out for the Northwest Division championship, the Calgary Flames, makes the playoffs and scores a spot on the list o’playoff hotties

–Martin Biron of the Philadelphia Flyers will be my playoff hottie goalie, since His Hotness Rick DiPietro is unavaiable for the role.  The Flyers came in 5th in the east with a respectiable 99 points. Marty’s teammate Joffrey Lupul also makes the cut.

–Markus Naslund is playoff-bound as his New York Rangers came in 7th in the East.  Mark Bell is also a Ranger, having been claimed off of waivers from Toronto, but he’s not going to be playing in the playoffs because he’s (I’m assuming¹) still down in the minors.

–Mike Komisarek, Josh Gorges and Georges Laraque will all be in the post-season as their Montreal Canadiens just made it into the playoffs in the 8th spot in the East. (Carey Price of the Montreal Canadiens can be my backup playoff goalie).

-Chicago Blackhawks players Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane² are in contention as their team came 4th in the West.

A Playoff Team of Hotties?

Now, Darren challenged me to pick 12 of the hotties to see how they fair against the teams in his pool.  So, I pieced the following team together based on (a) whose teams are actually in the playoffs, (b) hotness and (c) the need to eliminate two of the 14 remaining hotties to get me down to the allowed number of players³.  And this is what I came up with:

My Playoff Hottie Team:

• Mattias Ohlund  -Defense – Vancouver
• Zach Parise  – LW – New Jersey
• Sidney Crosby – Centre  – Pittsburgh
• Kris Letang – Defense – Pittsburgh
• Jarome Iginla – RW  – Calgary
• Martin Biron – Goalie – Philly
• Joffrey Lupul  – RW  – Philly
• Marcus Naslund – LW – NY Rangers
• Mike Komisarek –  Defense – Montreal
• Georges Laraque – RW – Montreal
• Jonathan Toews  – Centre – Chicago
• Patrick Kane – RW – Chicago

My Playoff Predictions

This team, of course, leads me to my playoff predictions.  Unlike Darren, who tried to figure out which teams he thought would go the furthest in the playoffs and then used those predictions to choose his players, I’ve chosen my hotties and will use those players to decide which team I think will win each series.

First of all, the Canucks are going to win the Stanley Cup (even though they only have one hottie on my list⁴).  Which means a Canucks victory over the Blues.  The Blues, of course, have no hotties, so that works.

In the Blackhawks-Flames series, we have two Chicago hotties to one Flames hottie.  And I hate the Flames anyway, so the series goes to Chicago.

In the Red Wings-Blue Jackets series⁵, we have no hotties.  But I had a crush on Steve Yzerman when I was little, so the series goes to the Wings.

The Sharks-Ducks series is also devoid of hotties and so I’ll decide it the only reasonable way that one could – in a fight, a shark would totally eat a duck. Sharks take the series.

Over in the Eastern Conference, we have the following matchups:

Bruins (no hotties) vs. Canadiens (two hotties). So I’m calling an upset – the series will go to Montreal.

One Ranger hottie beats zero Capital hotties – that series goes to NY.

Similarly, one NJ hottie beats zero Carolina hotties – the Devils takes that series.

And, finally, the Penguins vs. the Flyers.  Two hotties a piece. What to do, what to do?  I think I have to pick the hotness that is Biron & Lupul over Sid the Kid and Letang.  The Flyers will win.

This will make the second round showdowns as follows:

• Canucks beating Detroit, as predicted by the 1 hottie to 0 hotties (and the fact that the Canucks are going to win the Cup, of course)
• The Blackhawks (2 hotties) will upset the hottie-less Sharks.
• The Habs will pull another upset in the second round with their 2 hotties beating the lone NJ hottie.
• The Flyers will beat the Rangers, two hotties to one.

In the third round,  the Canucks will beat the Blackhawks, of course, but what will happen in the Flyers v. Habs series? Biron & Lupul vs. Komisarek & Laraque. Tough call.  Clearly this series will go to overtime in the 7th game, but when the dust settles, I think it’s going to be a Montreal victory.

And look at that – an all-Canadian Stanley Cup!

¹Research, sme-search.
²According to some random who called in during open phones one morning on CFOX radio (surely a reliable source, no?), Patrick Kane was seen making out with a women at the Roxy after the Blackhawks-Canucks game this season.  Methinks there was a very happy cougar in Vancity that night.
³I’m not including Taylor based on not knowing if he’ll play given the death of his fiancee and I’m eliminating Gorges based on him being the least hot of my four remaining D-man – I figure 3 D-men are sufficient (and I have no idea what the required number of D-men are for a hockey pool team). See footnote 1.
⁴It’s my blog and so I make the rules.
⁵Henceforth known as the Battle Of The Primary Colours.

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