Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

By

The Spider Conspiracy Continues

So, as my long time readers know, the spiders are out to get me. They have sent many an assassin to try to kill me and I think they are getting angry that none have yet achieved the objective because they have now sent in the big guns.

The other day, I noticed a very large spider web that had been constructed on the light fixture outside my door. Now, we all know what spider webs are. They are the spider equivalent of the Dexter kill room. And this one was so large that it was clear that (a) it must have been a behemoth of monster that constructed it and (b) this spider is clearly intending to kill me. But said monster was nowhere to be seen. I silently prayed to the FSM that a neighbourhood cat or some such had found the beast and devoured it, but alas, I am not so lucky. It turns out that the beast is a nocturnal web dweller, as when I went out later that night to take out my garbage, he was sitting there smugly in his giant web, taunting me. Now, generally, my fear of going anywhere near a spider fights with my fear of spiders being alive anywhere near me and I am able to steel myself enough to off the bastards. But this one was SO BIG. So I decided it was best to take my garbage out the next morning when he would hopefully be gone, but if he wasn’t, at least I’d have daylight on my side so that he’d be less able to use the dark of night to launch an attack against me. The next morning he was, in fact, gone and I quickly destroyed his web.

Last night when I came home, the bastard was sitting on the light fixture, glaring at me for destroying his web. I quickly scurried inside, locked and alarmed the door and sprinkled holy water and garlic around to prevent it from being able to get in1.

When I went outside this morning, as I wanted to sit outside in the glorious sunshine, do you know what I found? Not only had the bastard made a new web, but this time he made it from the light fixture in front of my door on the one side to the opposite wall of my alcove2 on the other – that is to say – a web that entirely blocked my path to leave my apartment! If I had any doubts that this spider was trying to kill me, those doubts have been removed. Also, I didn’t have any doubts.

Of course, I destroyed this second web, but now I fear what the monster is going to do to yet again up the ante. I’m going to my friend’s stagette tonight and crashing at her sister’s place, and I fully expect to come home the next morning to find that my entire alcove is one giant web. *shudder*

Anyone want to come over to my place to kill a giant killing-machine of a spider? I can make no assurances that you will survive, but if you do, I will bake you cookies.

  1. Holy water and garlic stop spiders, right? []
  2. I’m not sure if “alcove” is the correct word here. Basically, my front door is at the bottom of a flight of stairs and sits sort of within a concrete… alcove? bunker? I don’t know the right term, so here’s a picture []

5 Responses to The Spider Conspiracy Continues

  1. Dan says:

    I also have no doubt that this beast is trying to kill you, as this is what they try to do. Most people think they live off of sucking the blood and life juices of other organisms, but really, they live off of the blood and life juices of AWESOME organisms. Clearly this is why they are after you.

    Might I also add that I was surprised that you had holy water on hand. Regardless, I’m not sure if spiders respond to such liquids, but it can’t hurt. You might also want to burn an effigy of the spider, or perhaps get a voodoo doll, or a wooden stake, or a gun with silver bullets, just in case.

  2. Dan says:

    Or perhaps a gun that shoots silver plated wooden stakes through the heart of a voodoo doll that you then burn in effigy. It couldn’t hurt, right?

  3. Beth says:

    The problem with burning a voodoo doll in effigy is that it would require me having a spider-shaped voodoo doll and that would totally wig me out. *shudder*

    It is a little surprising that a heathen such as myself would have holy water on hand, isn’t it?

  4. Krista Lee says:

    Holy Water? That’s the water you cooked spaghetti in right?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.