Not To Be Trusted With Knives

Not Off To An Auspicious Start

October 18, 2011 by Beth

There was a monstrous eight-legged beast in my hallway this morning. Monstrous, I say! My apartment was still mostly dark as I had just gotten out of bed and was making my way to the bathroom when I caught sight of the bastard. To make matters worse, he was in between me and my giant collection of shoes by the front door and, as we all know, shoes are the best weapon one has against these evil fiends. Lucky for me, my shoe collection is too large to all be located in one spot, so I grabbed a shoe from the shoe reserves in my closest and steeled myself for what I had to do. Then the behemoth started to move. And the only thing worse than a spider is a moving spider. I get so freaked out by the way they move! GAH! So I screamed like a little girl and hit it with the shoe and then jumped back and jumped up and down screaming some more until my heebie-jeebie level came down a few notches. Then I steeled myself again so that I’d have the strength to get close enough to the carcass to suck it up with my vacuum, but I saw that the bastard was twitching. Oh. My. God! It was clearly being reincarnated as a zombie-spider, which is absolutely, unquestionably the worst kind of anything ever. So I smacked it again to ensure it was really, truly dead and then jumped up and down freaking out again for a bit. GAH!

I will now spend the rest of the day freaking out every time I detect – or think I detect – movement out of the corner of my eye.

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