Not To Be Trusted With Knives

The Internet’s leading authority on radicalized geese

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Blasphemy Day

I just read on Derek’s blog that today is International Blasphemy Rights Day. I only have half an hour left to celebrate!

Blasphemy, according to the holy book of Wikipedia, is:

irreverence toward holy personages, religious artifacts, customs, and beliefs.

I’m relatively certain that I committed some act of blasphemy today. But people, can someone out there remind me next year earlier in the day so I can be sure to go out of my way to yell “Christ on a cracker” or suchlike? Also I wonder if there are days to commemorate similar things like apostasy and heresy?

Related: I learned from my meandering around on Wikipedia that “Heresiology is the study of heresy.” Who knew?

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Vicious Stairs

Here are the stairs I fell down yesterday:

Day 99

OK, I realize that I only fell down one of these stairs – the very bottom one specifically. But given how beat up I feel today – achy back/shoulder/leg/wrist – I’m revising my story to say that I fell down a flight of stairs. Possibly I was thrown down them. I can neither confirm nor deny this rumour that I just started.

Also, I should point out that this entranceway was clearly *not* designed with a zombie apocalypse in mind. I mean, an enclosed concrete bunker at the bottom of a steep, and poorly lit, set of stairs, and then a locked door to get into your zombie-free home. It’s like they weren’t even thinking when they designed this place.

Which reminds me, I took this screenshot from my sister’s Facebook wall *ages* ago, because it’s freaking hilarious, and have totally forgot to blog it. Until now.

hilarious!

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Why A Camera Crew Should Follow Me Around At All Times

A camera crew should follow me around at all times because, like my niece, I’m constantly saying hilarious and witty things that really should be shared with all the world. I mean, it’s a crime against humanity when I say something like, “You definitely can’t plan a spontaneous orgy” or “You had me at “dirty Christmas tree”1 and not everyone gets to hear it.

Moreover, a camera crew should follow me around at all times because I have hilarious accidents that really would be awesome if caught on film. Like, for instance, tonight when I came home from the laundromat2, carrying my heavy basket of clean laundry3, plus a bag of groceries, down the steep steps to my front door4 (do you see where this is going?) and managed to think I’d walked down all the steps5, but really I had one more step to go, so I stepped forward as if the ground would be flat, but the ground was not, in fact, flat and thus I took a nice header into the concrete floor in front of my front door. Clean laundry all over the concrete floor. Gah!

Seriously, though, I bet that would have been hilarious to see. Would almost make the sore wrist & sore shoulder worth it.

  1. For the record, both of these lines actually did come up in conversation. True story. []
  2. dear FSM, I hate going to the freaking laundromat. Curses upon you suburbanites and your unwillingness to share the house laundry facilities! []
  3. between hockey jerseys, running clothes, work clothes and causal clothes, I make an unholy amount of laundry for a single, and relatively small, person []
  4. dear FSM, I would like to someday live above ground []
  5. I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that if you are ever installing a motion sensor light, maybe you don’t want to make it so that people have to walk all the way down the stairs in the pitch black before they trip the motion sensor, at which point they are already at the front door []

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Way More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About My Calf Muscles

So I’ve finally resurfaced from beneath the grant application I was working on this week1.  The nice thing about working on grants on contract, as opposed to actually being responsible for the grant, is that you can set your contract to say “I’m going to give you deliverable X by date Y to level of quality Z” and then you do that. And in this case, it was my job to deliver a solid draft of the grant, but not the final product2. So while the grant isn’t due ’til October 1st, my piece of it is done. The person for whom I was working on this asked if I’d like to take on a second contract to do the next round of revisions, but I declined, because I’m just too freaking burnt out and I need my life back!  I am, you may recall, scheduled to run a half marathon in two weeks, but I didn’t do a single run this past week. Not a single run! I played hockey on Sunday and Wednesday, but hockey is a different type of exercise, and I really needed to get back to running.

Collage of varius Gray's muscle pictures by Mi...
Image via Wikipedia

But when I tried to go for a run yesterday, my calf muscles totally cramped up. Like to the point that I had to stop running and turn around and limp back the 2 km I’d just run. Not impressed. My calves had been giving me trouble lately – the morning after my first hockey game I woke up with a wicked charley horse, but I chalked it up to dehydration.  A few days later, another charley horse, though this time I hadn’t been playing hockey. Then, over this past week, where I had been doing no running and lots of sitting, my calves were being really twitchy. Not charley horses, but little involuntary muscular contractions which ranged from annoying to ouchy. I chalked this up to going from lots of running to no running – my muscles were clearly staging a revolt! I figured that going for a run last night after work would work out the twitchiness out. Clearly, I was mistaken. Immediately upon arriving at home from my aborted run, I booked a massage therapy appointment. My main massage therapist is always booked up3, so I tried my back up massage therapist, but she’s away at a seminar today. So

Day 94

I Googled to find someone who could take me and managed to get an appointment for 8:30 this morning at a sports massage therapy clinic. As it turns out, the guy who worked my muscles today also works the muscles of the BC Lions and, starting next season, the Vancouver White Caps4.  After my massage, my calves felt so much better it was ridiculous. I went out for a nice run – not too fast, ‘cuz I didn’t want to push it, but not that slow – and my calves felt fine!  Hooray!

Also, the massage therapist seems to think that the problem probably resulted from my lack of stretching after hockey and insufficient stretching after running. Because I totally suck at stretching. My thought process is usually “I’ve just spent 2 hours running, I need to get on with my life!”  Or I am so exhausted that I want to do is have a “post-run shavasana” and then, when I have enough energy to pick myself up off the floor, hit the shower. Granted, my main massage therapist, my back up massage therapist and my chiropractor have all, at various points, noted the importance of stretching post-running. But, you know, I’m not very good at doing what I’m told. Now that I’ve seen the repercussions of my lackadaisicality regrading post-exercise stretching5, however, I think I will actually do what I’m told this time. Also, this massage therapist suggested that soaking in hot baths (with epsom salt) is also good for hardworking muscles. And he suggested that one can multitask by soaking in a hot bath with a glass of wine. Multitasking FTW.

  1. seriously, the amount of work that it ended up being was far more than I could have anticipated. There were nights this week that I came home from work at ~4 p.m. then worked until 1 a.m.  Not cool. []
  2. though we did negotiate a bit of extra revisions during that process, as it was a type of grant neither of us had written before, proposing  the use of a fairly new technique as well. That’s the other cool thing about doing this type of work – in addition to making some extra moolah, I also get to learn new stuff! []
  3. in fact, I can only get an appointment with her by being on her cancellation list – she just books me in when someone cancels, because her schedule is perma-booked []
  4. And I have to say that having someone who regularly rubs the muscles of pro athletes tell you that you are fit while he’s rubbing your muscles is a nice ego boost! []
  5. lackadaisical – adjective – lacking enthusiasm and determination; carelessly lazy. See also: flossing []

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So, How Many Shoes *Do* I Own?

So the correct answer to this week’s question of “How many pairs of shoes does Dr. Beth own?” is….

*drumroll*

31. And 4 pairs of boots1.  Which makes Kalev, with his guess of 30, the winner and proud owner of 1000 shiny points.  Try not to spend all those points in one place, Kalev!

I’m actually surprised it isn’t more – I thought my shoe habit was more out of control than this. Granted, I do only have one pair of feet…

  1. well, I guess technically I have 5 pairs of boots if you count my ski boots []

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Ever so tired

Too tired to write in actual sentences. Finally submitted project I was working on during my full workday-length evenings after working full workdays this week. Waiting for sushi which I’m hoping will give me enough brain energy to teach for three hours tonight. Thank the FSM i made awesome slides last year and know this material inside out and backwards, so little prep required. Have a full day session with big wigs tomorrow, and after that I shall take the world’s longest nap. Dr. Beth out.

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Worst Driving Move I’ve Seen Yet

So, we all know there are some terrible drivers out there and we’ve all seen some pretty asshat moves. But the one I saw today takes the cake. This car was stopped at a red light in the left hand turn lane. Now, I don’t know if the driver didn’t realize it was a left hand turn lane or if just changed their mind and decided not to turn left, but when the light turned green, they just drove straight ahead, directly into the *oncoming* left hand turn lane. WTF? I mean, if you screwed and are in the turn lane by accident, just turn left and then find a way to turn around to get back on the road you want to be on1. But who the hell drives into the oncoming lane? Thankfully there was no one in that lane, but it still means that she’s driving on the wrong side of the frickin’ road! Gah!!!

  1. or, at the very least, if no one is behind you, wait until all the cars in the proper lane go by and then scoot over to the correct lane []

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12 Takes

Tonight on the Knowledge Network:

12 Takes, a half dozen BC filmmakers’ takes on a dozen BC artists, from Jenn Strom’s whimsical, animated exploration of the works of Nick Bantock, to Kevin Eastwood’s lively overview of the pop art of Douglas Coupland, to John Bolton’s visually uncompromising study of the design and architecture of Omer Arbel. Knowledge commission.

My friend Johnny is one of the half dozen filmmakers, so I’m pimping this out. You should watch it! Tonight at 9 p.m., and then again at midnight. Tell all your friends.

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How Many Pairs of Shoes Do I Own?

summer shoes.jpg

Someone asked me this the other day and I don’t actually know the answer to this question. I was going to count them, but then I thought, why not make it a contest first? Guess how many pairs of shoes I own!

You have until 11:59 p.m. Pacific Time on Thursday (September 23, 2010)1.

I’ll count them on Friday and the person who comes the closest will win 1000 points!


  1. Only guesses posted on this blog posting at http://www.nottobetrustedwithknives.com/ will count – no comments on The Facebook or The Twitter, because I’m much too lazy to go to all those places to look for them []

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Tee Hee

Spotted at BC Women’s Hospital parking lot:

IMG_0678